“I’m not the one who’s beating you up.” She said.
“No, but it’s you who’s punishing me with no route for redemption for the way I’ve treated you for all these years.”
I had to make sure…
It wasn’t easy, in fact it was downright painful. A pain which wrenched into my very soul. I put everything into a nutshell and let forth with a desperate plea.
I got what I expected and though in some way it gave me release it hasn’t felt that way and I have been very unfocussed since having only brief moments of positivity which winds her up though such negative thoughts from me should really only be expected of me at this time, surely. They don’t really happen that often and the fewer times we see each other it can only be expected that some time is spent talking about ‘things’.
My ‘progress’ with working on myself over such a short period of time is phenomenal and astounding but it’s not bloody perfect! What does she expect? Obviously she seems to have even greater expectations than I do of myself! Now that’s a surprise!
My honesty and openness is, I admit, blunt and is hard work for myself and those who get to hear it but being a ‘private’ person eats away at me and I have spent so much time being physically alone at work, for years now, that when I get into company, especially with who I have for so long regarded as my lover and confidant, it just comes out, even when I try to hold back.
Moments of solitude are getting unbearable unless I displace and fill in my time.
This is probably why I’m so haphazard with my writing and reading at the moment: I’m busying myself to get away from the thoughts which are tearing me apart.
She told me her father was with me also … late at night when I stay up.
“Eh?” I ask.
Later on in the day, I was walking, doing a strength/breathing meditation she suggested and called his name out loud twice: I almost immediately felt my emotions well up and start to feel tears welling up strongly. I tried to ask why … no discernible answer … I said I didn’t do it like you, I know you always had an illusive way of showing your love but you weren’t faithful, I have always been faithful, always in mind and in body and the harm I obviously caused was unintentional and unknowingly done though in some ways none the less damaging I have found out.
On reflection though I think he is being with me for her and not for me, he helped motivate me clear the ground and space for me during that rather blunt and pointed conversation on Wednesday, to feel clean about anything that may precipitate from my clamouring to fill my emotional gaps.
My boys have now been put into the picture of her decision and though we didn’t get to tell them together which was the plan it has probably turned out better as each encounter was easier to manage rather than having a big ‘family announcement’ as it were. I told them in my way, talking about paths and that we’ve decided that we are no longer on the same one; she said she didn’t want to spend the rest of her life with me anymore.
In fact she has told me very bluntly that I make her miserable and at the moment I can see why, I’m making myself miserable and she is making me miserable. She does seem however to reach moments of happiness where as I seem very stuck again.
- Not creating enough meditation opportunities and getting stuck in the ‘process’.
- Not taking the time out to regularly write this blog.
- Not doing my reading.
These all seem to be contributing and I just can’t seem to fit everything in! For goodness sake I’ve been averaging less than 3 hours sleep!
I’ve got to create some money to pay impending bills, I’m doing chores left right and centre and trying to give my self some singular time to meet with friends and do stuff that is solely for me, my enjoyment and well-being, even if it’s going to buy some after shave which was a major expedition!
Wednesday was probably the first time we have sort of ‘argued’ for years – we’ve never really done that. Maybe we should have, and we might have gained a better understanding of each other.
I was anxious about going out in the evening with a friend for no real reason except that I wanted to have a genuinely good time with someone I don’t normally spend time with.
However, the whole day was preoccupied with concerns about ‘telling the boys’ and by the time me going out came round I had told two of them.
Everything seemed rushed during the afternoon and evening, and though I had a bizarre synchronicity in the evening by being led totally unplanned to somewhere called the Angel Inn which made me feel at least protected and not isolated.
There were even a couple of moments when I forgot!
But essentially I didn’t really enjoy myself, I was too distracted and self immersed and not very good company to me or my friend and neither was impressed in a good way.
I surprised myself. I thought I’d be OK; a good listener; humorous and jolly, make some interesting and insightful conversation and maybe even create a spark. Buto, no! I even out weirded myself!!
Later I had a bizarre encounter with another lonely character, probably trying to earn some money out of me by doing some sort of ‘favour’! We ended up having a really good conversation and she ended up feeling more sorry for me, sending me on my way with the best of wishes, the spirit of renewed confidence from her encouraging words, a handshake and we excahnged genuine well meaning smiles for each other’s welfare in the future. “You’ll be fine,” she said, “I know you will!”
“This is ‘normal’!” A correspondent kept telling me. “It just takes time. A certain time. It’s different for everyone and everyone copes differently though everyone goes through more or less the same processes – it is a well trodden path.
“Whatever the type of loss, the feelings of grief, anger, despair and loneliness are all very similar and have moments of deep intensity.
“You have suffered two losses both at the same time: your business and your marriage. It’s hard enough to cope with just one at a time.
“You are trying to ‘microwave’ it. You cannot speed it up – this is an ‘oven’ cooked meal, and will take it’s time. You cannot and shouldn’t under do it and rush into things because it will only leave things left undone.
“No-one will tell you when, no-one will know when – and from my experience it is not a great revelation it is just that one day I woke up and didn’t feel so bad about stuff. All the big problems I had seemed to have answers and for me it was just- ‘oh is that it?’. But I was out of the fog and had focus.”
I was also being warned about my health. The lack of sleep and the intense pressure I kept heaping upon myself.
“If you don’t think I can shorten it, do you think I can prolong it?” I asked.
“No. It takes whatever time it takes but there is the possibility that you can ’emulate’ it for a different reason maybe. It doesn’t prolong the time ‘IT’ takes but only the feeling surrounding it.”
“I don’t feel as if I have much time at all – I just want to get on with it and move on with my life, this pain is insufferable.”
“Making yourself poorly won’t help.”
“I don’t care if I make myself poorly – it would give me something else to think about.” … and I seemed to lose my will again.
“You are doing so well, you really are, but you need to look after yourself. You’ll be fine – I know you will!“
Our ‘chats’ have now all but stopped and she even tries to find out where I am to probably avoid any clash – who can blame her?
Cutting the cords is a systematic process and she seems to be managing to do it fine even at the expense of common courtesies – me less so. But, hey, what do I expect after being like I’ve been with her for years and despite after great strides recently I am still in this abyss of despair and grief.
Friday night was spent with friends, collecting the smell of wood smoke.
More disasters ensued: someone fell on to the fire during some wild dancing. I can’t say I rescued them but I did pull them out.
Someone fell on to a computer and broke the screen, again, nothing I could prevent or make better but I did make comforting cups of tea for everybody – I seemed to be the only one around not totally out of face!
Breakages and near disasters continued on Sunday: a camera broke, someone let go before I had hold and I did manage to stop the house computer from falling over, that didn’t break but my composure did and I shouted and ranted a bit uncontrollable until one of my boys broke down in tears (not the one who nearly broke the computer) and tried to run out saying what was the fuss about, nothing got broken, we should be celebrating!
I immediately got it back together again. The fear of losing him and his brothers from my proximity at this time is so strong that it cut through even my red mist.
We settled and my youngest drew and gave me a little birthday card with cheerful balloons on it. Three months early but what a gift … what a gift … such kindness and what a beautiful smile. I was lifted.
She came home that evening and I told her what happened. She said I didn’t drop the camera; I stopped the computer from getting broken; and I probably reduced the extent of someone’s burns injury.
Spose it’s perception then isn’t it, I keep feeling disaster is following me around but others see sheer accident or intuitive calls for well timed and calm pro-action.
Saturday was a shopping day. We did a big shop for the household and bought a table for the front room so we could eat whilst sitting on the floor, together.
We took it for a test drive with a take away and it works fine!
The evening was a bit flat and we all came home early (12:30) from the pub.
I really enjoyed being with the family as I also did on the Sunday.
Instead of doing what I’d intended, cleaning windows to let more light into the house, I went out for a long-ish walk with two of the boys by the canal to a nearby ruined abbey.
Lots of ‘good stuff’ and the occasional photo taken to prove if nothing else than that I exist.
It is telling that there are not many photos around with me and my children at all, they are all of her. My parents house is totally decorated with them to remind me of my absenteeism from family life.
The nigh ended strangely.
The twins wanted to stay out late and I didn’t. I also didn’t want to make things any worse and make a ‘father doing the telling’ sort of scene so I backed off, took my foot off the gas, was gentle with them and myself and came home without them.
I did mull over the thoughts that I had been put into this situation by my lack of spousal support with this issue, she recently and I suppose I in the past are hardly fine examples of coming home at a reasonable time (at least I actually came home though). I didn’t want to be the demon or the policeman but had to counter this with being a responsible parent.
They did, eventually, drag themselves home at about 4am.
The next morning was predictably tricky and after a lot of encouragement to get up I settled on the lecture: “Now look, you have the choice totally with you. By getting up and going to school you make everybody right. You make yourself right by saying you could cope and you make me right for listening to you and changing my decision and my point of view by trusting you. If you don’t get yourself up and off to school you make everybody wrong: me and most importantly you!”
15 minutes later we were pulling up outside the school gates.
Earlier that evening, I canvassed some opinion from another male friend. A hidden man this one with wonderful insights I have been tapping into for a while and he brought a very masculine point of view about everything.
About expectations, about parental and family demands clouding the obvious. All the same as I have been discovering over these last few weeks.
“It takes time. It’s different for everybody but you can’t do the square peg in a round hole. You can’t reclaim what never was or could not have been. It is as it is and what you are going through is only to be expected. Be strong. You’ll be fine, I know you will!”
Strong? I don’t feel like it.
Fine? Doesn’t seem possible.
Willing to put some graft in? Yup
Willing to be gentle with myself? More so every day: more sleep is being forced and my meditations are going better.
You will be fine, pethia .. you will be fine, I know you will … be gentle, very gentle … and allow your strength to come and be with you … notice the fear but give it no attention it will only put you off your path … open yourself to your self and your desires … they are not needs, only what is necessary for you to be the you that you can love … and you CAN love … love with a genuine heart … love with a magnificent soul … be gentle … gentle … go and practise … ‘please give me strength’ … you have to allow it … you are not alone … be gentle … go and practice.
It is Tuesday morning now, and the sun has suddenly broken through some rather intimidating looking clouds for the first time today.
Well wha’ do ya know!