Posted by: funkydeez | January 28, 2009; 2:22 am

And Further… maybe a beginning

Trying to seek a bit of clarification

Apologies for the random ramblings of the first post which was all too reminiscent of a short story by Nicolai Gogol and didn’t seem healthy at all. More of a downloading than an uploading.

Today, I have struggled with coming to terms with the finality of my marriage. There is no compromise or chance of any reconciliation being allowed; my future as I saw it has been totally taken away from me and I feel very bullied into this fate accompli.

She says she was treated in the same way for years, browbeaten and forced into particularly financial situations she wasn’t happy with.

I said that she was emotionally distancing herself from me, I never was allowed to support her in that way; she said she cried for that support but I was either not there or not capable of giving it because I was going through my own stuff. She has had enough of carrying me and allowing herself to be smothered by my self obsessed view of the world and has decided it is time for her to move on. She doesn’t share my wish to grow old together and fight through our current difficulties. Enough is enough and it’s time to join others who have gone through similar. So what about the vows we made, I promised to love, honour and cherish but she didn’t feel she got much of that … I was gobsmacked.

She even came out with the “It’s not you – it’s me” phrase. I said it was an easy cliché but admitted it made me feel a bit less hurt.

She is a strong woman, a survivor and has made up her mind. She is also very kind and though she says it will be typical of me to make myself hate her still shows me morsels of support. She doesn’t hate me, she still even likes me it’s just she has realised that our union is not forever and our goals are totally different.

I feel as if I am not being given a chance, she says I’ve been given loads of chances.

She says I should start being myself instead of … … now this is where it starts to get interesting folks because I don’t know who that person is … she gets frustrated now and even does a bit of shouting (rare occurrence).

She says I don’t realise and accept stuff until I am in a dead end, she lists my failed businesses, all abandoned too late with carry over legacy debt which has compounded into the financial situation and predicament we (I will have to stop using that word), sorry, ‘I’ have burdened myself and my family with.

I say she is my guide and teacher but she says she’s had enough (more exasperated shouting) and I always only come to terms with things kicking and screaming, not just now but in every situation where personal growth is concerned.

I so desperately want to be the person she wants to be with … but she says that I will take any kind and amount of shit she throws at me in order for us to stay together and that’s just not good enough, I deserve to treat myself better than that and she’s not will to hang around anymore.

I ask what should, can, could does she want me to do? (Shouts back) Work it out!

!!!

She’s a great teacher isn’t she! Quality stuff, it’s a pity it takes such trauma for her to let it out and it’s a pity I’m so dumb and stupid to be so unaware.

I’m struggling to see how the next few hours, days and months will pan out practically. I’m scared, really scared. I’ve lost my business and earnings with little prospect of re-start; I may lose my home; I have no experience of running a household; I don’t know where important stuff is; I don’t know any plumbers or car mechanics or helpful mender men. She did all that. The place is a mess – an absolute tip and I have allowed it to happen and blamed her without offering any help and only listening to her encouragement to get off and do the other things I intended to do (play golf or go to work).

I’ve really fucked up, haven’t I. She’s right, I did get the opportunities but just didn’t use any of my considerable skills to do anything about it. She’s right, it is too late. Sorry is a word I keep coming up with but it’s no use to man nor beast and doesn’t offer her any comfort. She just wants me to let her go.

I fear that by not accepting this reality I’m going to drive her away too soon for us to give ourselves the opportunity to re-right the boat as it were and avoid destitution.

In reality, she won’t have a problem. At 43, she is blonde, slim, very attractive and has very good people skills indeed. She will be able to get a job anywhere and earn money. She will also have no problem in finding a new relationship when she wants one and has given herself the strength to finish it when she wants to … obviously!

I, on the other hand, at 46 am almost exactly the opposite. Fat, short, opinionated, a skill set which is unwanted and over represented by far better designers and print workers than my untrained self, too unhealthy to do much physical stuff all but unemployable and obviously rubbish in business, an emotional wreck, clingy, selfish requires some serious hand holding. Not looking good for the lonely hearts is it? I think I need to work on that one. I can’t see myself ever attracting another significant relationship with that CV. No sex unless I get really pissed with someone just as lonely as me.

It is quite frankly, the end as I see it.

Or is it? Can I work on seeing it differently? I keep getting told this but it seems impossible.

Is it fear, lack of self confidence or just plain stupidity? An opportunity for growth, learning, true understanding and an opportunity to stop beating myself up with bigger and bigger sticks and maybe, just maybe, I can start to love myself for who I am and not what I’m not rather than being obsessed with what is around me (I don’t get this bit at all, I’m not sure I’ve written this correctly) but it seems that something like this path may be the route out of the total and utter gut wrenching, nauseating, heart pumping, blubbering despair that is so real for me and in touch with at the moment.

Certainly anyone reading this making the mistake of offering sympathy isn’t going to help. It might make me feel better initially but won’t serve me in any long run. Empathy and support, yes. Enlightening sharing of personal experience, yes. And maybe a bit of encouragement, a beer and a comforting hug wouldn’t go amiss either.

I’m not sure. Does ‘love’ come from inside or outside? Is the reason I love her so much because I feel so insecure with my lack of self love. I’ve heard this before somewhere, “You have to learn to love yourself before you can love someone else.” 

Here we go:

Maybe I feel that I love her so desperately is because I want her to give me the love I feel incapable of and am not giving myself.

I want to be loved, I want to feel loved. This is why she has felt so suffocated, because I’ve loaded the responsibility of loving me on to her because I am not doing it myself – how much pressure is that?

No wonder she refuses to do it anymore, because even when she has showed she loved me I’ve always rejected it because I didn’t believe in it myself.

There. Kicking and screaming? Over analysis? Procrastination beyond reason? Yes, all that. No wonder she’s off, I would leave myself too if I could (whoops: dark thoughts again. Stop it boy!)

Lots to work on eh? And maybe, a beginning …

My deepest regret is that this is will be the end of our learning together. I am sorry I made it happen this way. We both deserved better.

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