Manic to go with depressive – huh? [Now don’t dis it fella stay true to yourself]
“Write it down,” she said. “I don’t need to,” I said. “You must. Keep it and see how you have travelled.”
I thought she’d misunderstood, I meant that I didn’t need to because I would never forget the moment, that ‘atom of delight’, the enlightenment, my damascene conversion. How could I forget?
This is a very long post. I think it will be my longest ever. It is very profound for me and my life has been renewed today and I have come to accept that if she isn’t part of it, the that’s just the way it is, and it isn’t the way it isn’t.
OK. WTF am I on about? Predictably it’s quite difficult to explain, but as a result of last night’s ‘Love’ realisation (about my love for her is asking for her to love me but being impossible because I can’t see any reason to love myself etc.) I have realised that this is indeed the crux of the problem I have always had with myself and how I dysfunction.
Re-state: My problems are caused by the the fact that I don’t love or like myself and see no reason for praise, no value, no worth and no purpose.
And Again: Why would anybody give me the time of day if I don’t think I’m worth just a few moments for myself either writing a journal, this procrasto-blog or even meditate.
And More: I actually hate myself. It’s beyond dislike and I can rant on for ages about how pathetic and rubbish I am. The words come really easy.
Ha! But that’s NOT the ‘realisation of the day’. No siree! That’s just the beginning.
The day started early. I took the opportunity to take the kids to school, thinking I’d better get used to this, and give her a lie in. I returned, did a couple of chores told her to look at her email.
I’d extracted and sent my ‘Love’ realisation to her. She hasn’t read any more of this blog, though I haven’t hidden it, she could if she really wanted to.
Bizarrely, even though I was only five yards away, she emailed me back! I kind of quite liked that. I then went to return the car I’d borrowed from where she would pick me up later.
I was loaned a not inconsiderable amount of money by some kind people who can’t afford it to help oil the wheels as it were. That brings up all sorts of emotions, a 46 year old getting money from his parents? But desperate we were, and it sure came in handy as it happened. It was given to me, I gave it straight to her and we made our way through the traffic.
I must also explain the gift of my car breaking down recently. We have only just taken the opportunity to talk to each other for the first time in ages. And I mean ‘talk to each other’. This is what has catalysed the week off. She just didn’t know before, now she has made her mind up. However, it’s not a lesson I think I want to learn, I don’t want to be in this class, I don’t even want to be in the school!
Anyway, we started again, and I again plunged the depths complaining that I’m just a bloke, I need guidance, it’s no good shouting at me, ‘Work it out!’. I likened it to her telling me, ‘This is what you need to be,” but hiding it behind an impregnable screen which she won’t let me open, investigate, touch or anything. I feel shut out.
“I’m a man,” I cry, “I need to go and conquer things. Tell me what to get and I’ll get it, tell me what to do and I’ll do it, give me a ball and I’ll go out and play with it. Women are different, they can go shopping without buying anything, for goodness sake. What’s that about?”
We continue and I noted a little levity for the first time in a while. I said, “I’m not bullshitting. It’s not just a stalling tactic to wait for her resolve to dissipate, I mean it. You need space, to discover yourself. To be left alone. And at the moment we still need to function and put some money away to keep the roof over our head and accumulate some kitty for you to go in better comfort than just packing your bags today.”
“I want to ‘Review’ the isa Experience,” I say.
Now she knows that’s a serious decision for me. The Experience has come up a couple of times in our recent ‘chats’, in particular the GIT and my supposed rejection of the information. It started off with me saying that I was trying to reclaim my standards and allowed them to deteriorate along with those around me because I over-reacted to how those same people had not come up to my expectations.
Now, sorry folks. This must sound a bit weird but it is very important as it is so central to how I have been functioning and a source of my deeply depressive feelings. EXPECTATIONS: Of others of me and vice versa. I have been investigating (with my CBT counsellor) where these originate but the real interesting thing is how they totally control how I do things.
Re-state: That’s not correct of course. The correct thing is that I ALLOW them to control the way I do and view things. It’s ME that does it, not the expectations.
I also had a long conversation with a mentor this morning to whom I shared my current situation. He was very very kind, understanding and offered himself as a sounding board. I told him I sparked it all off by prising open the communication channels during which we have been so very honest whith each other and he observed correctly the, “The truth will set you free, uncomfortable though it is.” Again, more isa info and I’ve been noticing it all over the place (that’s where I originally came across the ‘to love and be loved, you have to first love your self’ bit.)
Work was very challenging today and there were a couple of fleeting moments when I actually forgot my marriage is breaking down. I even forgot to wallow in self pity and rejection, and thought, “that’s interesting!”
She rang to say she was going to be busy with something that evening and could she collect me late on, about 10:30. I am now being supportive and said that worked fine and I can find loads of things to do in the meantime. I did … oh how I did. I found the isa website and registered my name. I am now committed and you will have guessed by now that I don’t give those up lightly.
During our chats I have claimed to be learning stuff and though being dragged kicking and screaming am will to start working on myself again. Reviewing the Experience is deep, deep water and will be an excellent test of my resolve and commitment to being true to myself when I say I will support her.
Well, as happens many a time, when I actually make a decision the waters just flood through. It’s very hard explaining how energised and clear I have felt this evening.
Let’s get some TRUTHS down then:
- I have had expectations of wealth and well-being to be a result of her spiritual work. Blamed it for creating the distance between us.
- I once said I wanted to grow old and grey with her. She told me yesterday that when I said it (some 4 years ago). She thought, “I don’t think I do.”
- I told her this morning that I didn’t either – not the way that it is now.
- Not knowing what my primary aim in life is, so how do I know which way to go and how to do it.
- This morning I told her that I had been feeling so desperate that … that … Well, we don’t really want to go there, do we? I don’t want to say it, I don’t want to put it out there.
- I spoke about my ‘green shoot love realisation’ but couldn’t see how or where to start. The words were excellent and concise but where the action begins, I don’t know.
Later at work
I started to inwardly imagine what it was going to be like and then suddenly I received unexpected and unbelievable clarity of thoughts just rushing in, bouncing off and developing into new ideas for me.
This is amazing, Here we go:
She does it (mediumship working) because she has an untapped talent and capability that she is working on. Not for any intrinsic personal gain but because she can.
Similarly I do my rare public singalongs like last night when it felt, oh so good, my best ever version. And my meditative golf where again I feel at one with all around me. I don’t do it for any other reason than because I can.
When we are doing these things, we feel complete, worthy, capable, have an identity and we become the people we want to be. Oh my goodness! I’M STARTING TO LOVE MYSELF!!!
I don’t want the shackles of having to work to keep up appearances anymore – it’s stiffling. We did it like that for so long, (sorry, ‘I’ did it like that, I cannot speak for her) because I felt I had to provide whatever I could for the children I brought into this world and felt guilty. I also did it like that to support my parents in the way they thought best.
I have actually devised what I regard as my Primary Aim, that which people say about you in the funeral hall as they’re waiting for the music to finish, “Who is that guy? What did he do?” I want them to say, “Oh he’s the guy that helped and supported that woman to save the Universe and make the world a better place. He really helped make it happen.”
Growing old together IS NOT the primary aim, it is the CONSEQUENCE of my primary aim.
My purpose in life I had chosen for myself some 16 years ago is ‘To Love, To Serve and To Have Fun” It was only now I remembered again.
I finished work and prepared the next day deliveries by the door (I was being very productive whilst doing all this realising) I half expected her car to come round the corner as I opened the door but it didn’t.
IMPORTANT STUFF HERE:
I hung round outside … thought about ringing here … thought about texting here. And then laughed out loud as I realised my resolve to support her was short lived. I expected her to be waiting for me! I now enjoyed coming to terms with having to wait for her to finish her stuff.
We went to eat together (WHAT???), yes, almost a date. I was so excited (manic?) no, excited! I just couldn’t wait to tell her of my coming to terms. My learning from her saying all I was bothered about was business now knowing I’VE BEEN DOING OTHER PEOPLE’S WORK FOR THEM, NOT MY WORK FOR ME. My realisation about everything I consider is what surrounds me and how I interact with it rather than JUST GETTING ON WITH IT AND ALLOWING STUFF TO HAPPEN.
That is the person I want to be. That is the person I CAN BE. That is the person I AM! Well at this moment anyway, I’ll probably feel shit again in the morning! No Honestly, this is real.
Hey get this:
I said to her, “I’m struggling to say this because i think you will think I just trying to twist your thoughts and try and cling and try and convince you to DO something or NOT do something.” She said, “You might as well and I’ll take it in the spirit you say you mean.”
I said, “You have an untapped talent. You are very powerful with lost of potential.” She said, “Yes, apparently so. I’ve been told it but don’t know what it is though I know it’s big” Quietly and gently, I continued, “You need someone like me around you. You know, to do all the stuff you’re rubbish at; the admin; the detail; the lift home and protection from others when you’re tired out.
“Do you agree that things happen in a certain way for a reason which we can learn from?” “Yes,” she said.
I continued, “We have gone through years of stuff, years of pain, years of feeling unfulfilled and are currently going through massive amounts of mutually inflicted pain. You might see this as now unbearable, but I see it as training. I am the person who will always get you home, even when you want to give up. Like LOTR when one of them had had enough and was giving up, the other picked him up and carried him up a steep cliff. I am that guy.
I said, “I too have had enough of our relationship as it is. Does this look like a man who is happy? Overweight, six tablet a day illness, lost hair, wallowing in self pity and desperation? You think I was happy when I walked off for a day thinking the worst things a person can think about? Do you think I’m happy? You’re right I deserve better, and so do you!
“If you decide to still go then so be it but I’m saying you could do with me being around. AND, if you don’t choose me to be there I will go and find someone else to do it for. IT WILL BE YOUR LOSS because this is what I want to do.
“We’ve been prepared for it. This is not just my idea that I think is right because I always think I’m right. It’s not the right thing to happen, it just that it HAS to happen, which is why it’s happening now. And I am happy to allow it to happen.
Words, words and more words. I’m good at that. It’s the actions that count and I’m hankering to give myself the chance to work on myself again and let go of the tether I’m at the end of.
That was interesting, I told my mentor that she was at the end of her tether, and so was I. ‘Tether’ means one is ‘tied’ to something.
“Is that so,” I asked her later, “Or is it a bond?” She said it was a bond.
Now, who wants to feel tied to something? Bonding is different: that means security, closeness and support.
We finished the day lightly. Laughing, small side jokes, giggling at silly stuff. Brightly chatting to the kids. It hasn’t been like this for years. And she even said earlier, “It’s OK when it’s like this.” I think it is too … and I created it. I was the source, by working on myself, listening, responding, accepting, participating and being certain. I like myself like this. I might even dare to say I love myself like this. Mmm,now that’s a new thought.
I feel less scared of letting go now. In fact I almost don’t feel scared about it at all because I actually agree with her in that I don’t want it to carry on like we’ve been doing it, what would the point be? We have to shift, and shift seriously.
I accept that I have to change the way I’m doing things and am happy for her to change. Some say people can’t change, but they keep on doing it the same way, they will get the same results.
Now don’t get excited and reach for the marshmallows, folks. I still expect her to leave sooner rather than later, she believes our marriage is irreversibly damaged and I don’t think she truly has faith in me that I will actually do what I say I’m going to do. It might look convincing for a couple of hours of manic behaviour but she doesn’t believe I will last the distance. She will think it’s just a matter of time before I revert to the easy life of following the money around and trying to please the people around me rather than just getting on with allowing myself to be me.
But I too don’t want for us to get old together carrying on in the same way, I just couldn’t do it for much longer, even my resolve is getting weak. I accept we are reaching a different stage, maybe we are past the end game as far as our marital closeness but we do have a good grounding for a future without mutual hatred or antagonism.
Am I not just using words to try and convince her to stay? Honestly? … Because I’m deep down just scared of being alone? Honestly fella? Really, truly honestly? Is it not so? To browbeat her? To talk her into it? How about, bully her? Now be honest.
It’s time to dare to be different.
It’s time to demonstrate rather than remonstrate