Posted by: funkydeez | January 29, 2009; 7:26 pm

I still just don’t get it …

Feeling Raw

I see that at this point she wants to be alone without any encumbrance and that for me to want her to even harbour the thought of ever returning to a state where we are together as a couple is itself too stifling and she feels that all my words are just pleading and browbeating.

I am again at a loss because my rationale allowing to move forward is that all possibilities are available, none are expected, the only precondition as it were is to embrace that openness. I looks to me that she is not willing to be open.

In practice, after my working upon myself and growing and learning and practicing and making it part of me and learning to love myself not just because I feel the need to be loved but because I am allowing myself  to be loved.

It’s like the story of the burglar that kept getting caught.

He reckoned that if he could make himself invisible he would stop getting caught. Anyway he heard of a teacher who could train him to be invisible and off he went to the monastery to start his learning. He was open and diligent and worked really hard  and after a while he indeed learned how to make himself invisible that time, of course, he no longer wanted to do any thieving.

She asked me today if I would still be able to do what I said I was going to do if we weren’t a couple. We would still be a team, but not a couple, as husband and wife.

At the moment, I accede that we aren’t though that is not my choice I also admit that I am not happy the way that it is and in order for us to have the possibility of becoming a couple again something would have to be very different, and that something is me. I still believe at the moment that we are ultimately meant to be with each other as a couple but realise that going through the process of that growth, not just for me but for both of us that that may not actually be the case.

It would seem that she has already reached that realisation from her own growth and I am still not accepting of that fact because her choice was made before I shifted, with the nformation that was available then and not with the information that is available now.

Things have already changed, mainly my own viewpoint, and I still feel that I have to prove to her that it is genuine. I feel as if I am so far behind and accept that what she is saying is actually as it must be.

It will need me to work on myself further in order to reach an acceptance of this. I’m still too green and raw to let go. It’s no good shouting about it, crying about it or being sad about it. Letting go still means giving up and quitting and I don’t want to quit.

In the beating the floor anger process I was one of the last to stop as the voice came through, “Hey! Isn’t it about time you stopped beating yourself up?”

Just feel the peace, feel the love, start anew and be reborn with a fresh day, being who I am, letting go. Yes, I think that was the teaching – oh, I am slow in the learning.

I don’t want it but if I am being honest and genuine, I must do it. There is nothing about this rawness that I am finding fun.

This is definitely NOT daring to be different, it is difficult to make this start – kicking and screaming, oh yes, isn’t it about time I stopped beating myself up? Yes. Well stop then, just stop … I feel empty.


Now it’s time to start filling me up with some good stuff for a change instead of all this poison. Eh? Yes?


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