Now you see it – now you don’t
“You keep drifting in and out, do you know how tiring that is?” she said last evening.
Yes I do, but don’t realise it. Again I swung back yesterday evening as we chatted. I had realised I was still beating myself up for not being her perfect man. It was worse than that: I didn’t come close to being that perfect man, she had been tolerating my (there is no other word for it) ABUSE for years and years, always returning her composure and acceptance. well not it’s gone too far and she has a sterling resolve that our relationship is over.
I had pleaded that we keep the future open because I felt that I have changed but I realise that even a morsel of being open to that possibility agreed at this stage would stifle her growth and obstruct her path, knowing that if I held that small possibility that we could be a couple again every time I saw her in the future I would hope she had changed her mind.
In truth, neither of us can see what the future holds but nothing can be pre-planned regarding that crumb of comfort.
And then the pole switching bombshell as I then realised that “I want to be by myself” and “I want you to let me go away,” didn’t mean she was leaving me with the boys because when I asked about her accountability she said it was only to herself … and the children. It was only me she didn’t want to be with. Only me. It is me who is holding her back. It is me who has messed up her life, smothered her, stifled her growth and everything else. She want me away, not her and she knows that I am stubborn enough to bitch, whine, kick and scream in order for that not to be so.
I had the thought I’d be better off dead and then there wouldn’t be all this hassle, for me, her, the kids or the rest of the family, she would get sympathy and enough comforting shoulders to invade a small country. Not only is there no point to my being here, and actually being here is proving to be an inconvenience to all round from the tax man to the welfare man to her and the kids I’d be better off not here. This is not total rejection, it is ABSOLUTE rejection. I am just in her way: talking to me and dealing with me is just too draining and depleting of her energy. I keep reverting back to the same old nonsense, justification, excuses, pleadings that I’ve changed, brief demonstrations that I have, promises that I’ll work on myself. ALL OF IT … is just so tiring and gets in the way.
Interesting … well I didn’t say it at the time, but I did think it, and this is an honest piece of writing here, and so should be included. I also must admit that I have never before had such complete and lucid thoughts on the subject.
I respond to my light speed thought with inner strength.
“I am empty'” I say and repeated what I wrote earlier, “And I want to start filling up with ‘good’ stuff. Help me please.”
She points out that it seems that I insist on these maximising the pain in these episodes in order to prove their worth.
I say I am battling to find any worth in myself, I’m trying to find something about me to like and love not just because I know it then allows it to be returned and shared but because I deserve better.
I ramble more and get further frustrated about stuff already recorded, mainly in the that was then and this is now. She responds with it has always been like this.
I’m struggling to remember how I dragged myself up from this really as I fell asleep at the computer last night when I sat to write it down here.
I said I thought I had been allowing to enjoy her need to be free, she spends lots of time with her friends, mainly young male friends. She said I always kept apart from the groups and didn’t participate, I said “Yes of course, I was allowing you space – I thought that’s what you wanted and thought it would stop you from wanting to leave me, I thought it was a way of demonstrating I was trying not to be possessive and clingy!”
“You always kept an eye out for where I was and who I was talking to.” “Of course I did, we were together, I love you and wanted to make sure you were alright.” I replied “When you went out for the night, you’d text to say you were on your way home, just leaving, back in an hour etc. And when you didn’t turn up after another three hours I of course was concerned and tried to get in touch as urgently as I could. I understand I have hurt you in the past but I never hurt you on purpose, why do you feel the need to purposely hurt me like this now?”
“Look. Were just different. I just want to go.”
“No, you just want ME to go!”
I return to the abyss for a second again.
Now it then occurred to me that this wasn’t filling me up with any ‘good’ stuff!
“I understand why you and nobody else want to be with me, why would they? I don’t want to be with me.”
She responds with a couple of examples of people we know who think different.
Well, time pressed and the boys wanted to go down to the pub quiz. I insisted I went down with them.
I insisted in talking to people, smiling with people, having the occasional nonsense giggle. Played a bit of pool with the twins and got into a reasonably good conversation with a (female) friend and her other friend. And when she went out for a smoke, beckoned me to come along and instead of saying I had to stay with the boys like I normally would, I followed and we chatted outside in the freezing cold for while all three of us getting to know each other a little better.
She was right, I don’t do groups very well sometimes.
Oh yes. Definition of a REASONABLY GOOD CONVERSATION. It all sounds really pompous but it’s one which has some substance but not too much depth.
The evening continued in a calmly social vein and we staggered home.
I slept almost straight away but awoke about two hours later. I couldn’t get back to sleep I turned over a few times, switched channel and couldn’t get out of the mire of doom laden thoughts.
I couldn’t see how this was going to work. If I’m out of the house, where can I do my work part of the idea was to use a spare room, but If I had to get a bed sit or share a house somewhere how would that happen?
Slowly, I put the pieces together a bit better and thought of just carrying on working on myself, looking after the household chores and begin to make headway with a bit of decorating and renovation. I even thought she and the boys might join in a bit and we could muck in together. Why should they wait for me to leave.
The plan slowly unfolded, albeit a bit dimly and after being awake since 2:35, it was now 6:50 and I got up to do the dishes, breakfast and coffee instead of risking being really late by nodding off.
First thing I did when she got up was go to her and give her a hug and even kissed her on the forehead.
It was my way of saying I’m aright, both with me and with you.
In the car over to work, she talked a lot of how it had been for her, how she had lost trust in people, how she had struggled as a child being moved from place to place at a moment’s notice. How she had had to suss out who were the friendly ones and who weren’t. Use here sheer guts taking on the tallest and biggest in order to say “Don’t mess with me and think you can walk over me and bully me. I’ll take on anybody.”
She talked about being slipped a mickey and being date raped. She talked about not allowing it to get her down. She talked about how she took it out on men sexually in the years that followed wreaking a kind of revenge, making them hurt, feel used and worthless. She talked about how she came to terms with the perpetrator and wouldn’t cross the road away from him and just say “Hi” When that occasion happened, he turned 180 and couldn’t face her.
“Yes, I am a survivor, I will get to where I should be.”
She also talked about relationships and hadn’t known better. I was like her father and her mum hung around till he died despite the breaks and bruises. I hadn’t done the physical but emotionally…? She was NOT going to take it any longer. She sure as hell knows that this isn’t the sort of relationship she wants.
I told here that I was ashamed of how I had behaved. I was ashamed that I didn’t see how I could have really helped.
Shame is such a negative emotion so loaded with sadness and for me, despair and an all encompassing sadness.
Back to the good stuff. I made special effort to praise and acknowledge the effort and work she has put in to sorting some household money issues out. It seems that a lot of it is actually to do with how our wealth, which has fluctuated over the years, has been squandered one way or another and she says that none of her suggestions and pleas were ever listened to in order to secure the basics like roof over head, the family home which is now at risk.
I have been living someone else’s desires and dreams- my father’s
They were not mine but I did buy into them.
I didn’t know better and didn’t have any other seemingly practical alternative and saw it as the best way of providing security and well-being to all my family.
The businesses fucked up, for whatever reason, mainly external but all because we didn’t actually protect ourselves. We trusted and were let down, time and time and time again (I could add a few more) Now my trust and judgement has been seriously impaired and I am now in the worst position ever, financially. To cap it all I’ve lost the trust and faith from my wife. I have let her down, she trusted me implicitly and all I have ultimately delivered is the prospect of being on welfare though bad management, bad decisions, misguided activity I could go on and on. Basically, she’s given up on me and isn’t going to back my horse anymore.
Yes, I am empty
This IS a good time to stop beating myself up.
It IS time to start filling my empty self up with ‘good’ stuff. I have no love but I have plenty of room for it when it comes. Now would be a good time.
Later, I’m having a moment again. I agree, this is getting very tiresome.
I make another leap and say, “How do I ask for Strength?”
“I’ve been praying for that for a long time.”
“How? Is it to a god? A divine? What”
“It comes from within essentially but may come from the universe or divine or whatever I suppose.”
I said, “You recently, through your spiritual work seem to have found an amazing resolve, strong enough to take the decision you have with such fortitude, I’m impressed. Is there something I can learn?”
We talk for a while about meditation. She said I used to do it. I said that it was only breathing and didn’t bring on much for me having spent parts of it asleep! Anyway I have problems in the quiet, suffering from mild tinitus, I can’t even have the telly off in the evening when I try to go to sleep, I haven’t done for years, the noise in my head is too loud.
I’m going to get back to doing it anyway, in spite of my inner objections and I’m going to do it with the telly off. She said she would guide me. I felt worth something.
She said she does not want to never see me again, that’s not it. She said the boys need a dad, especially at their age.
I said I want to align with here idea of us showing the kids and the world that we can be magnificent people together, even though we are now not a couple.
Now, could this be the intellectual morsel I rejected out of hand the other day that gives me the key, the goal, the reason, the hope. It won’t matter that we are not together a a couple because we will have moved beyond that. OK I may always suspect the real reason for all this is that she’s gone to find a man with a bigger penis and that search will not take long but that’s because I’m still just a bloke, a man, basically an animal. Like the burglar who wanted to be invisible I will rise above those thoughts and grow to be a magnificent person, using my inner strength.
This may even overtake my sense of DEEP, DEEP, FAILURE over the break up of my marriage. Indeed, it would be beyond that and be magnificent relationship.
Look, if I keep saying it over and over I might just one day believe it and ALLOW it to happen.
In order to do that I really will need to dare to be different.
I have grand designs for my remaining few years, I don’t really want to die now. I am not sure quite what those designs are, how I’m going to implement them, what they’ll look like or how long it will take but I’m sure that I am.
She is a survivor but …, now that’s interesting, I was going to write ‘I am not a quitter’ (Mandelson nicked it from me, not the other way round, by the way).
That means she regards herself as BEING something and I regard myself as NOT BEING something. No wonder I have a negative outlook. So if I’m not a quitter, then what am I?
She says do what I’m good at, so do others, but I don’t know what that is. She says, you are good at caring for people, sorting things out, helping people why don’t you do that for a while be an assistant carer or something. Try pushing some guy in a wheelchair to the ice rink and have some fun “Am I talking what sounds like bullshit to you?” she said.
My eyes open wider and I say in a higher pitched small voice, “… err … no!”
Mmm, daring to be different eh?
The afternoon sort of fell into a bit of calmness and I took the opportunity to do this writing at the expense of getting some much needed work done. Oh dear, more stress.