Posted by: funkydeez | January 31, 2009; 9:53 am

Take Me Up

It’s all about Me… It’s never about Me … how can this be?

… what I want, what I can be, what I want to be and so on – all about ME. This is the complaint and accusation.

Oh, beg pardon, is it?

It’s never about you, never about you being yourself, not being true to yourself, you always live other people’s lives through you …

HOW CAN IT BE ALL BOTH THINGS???

Why the paradox? Why the conundrum? It can’t be all about me and all not about me at the same time.

It can’t be all about my wants and all about being a chameleon to other peoples desires.

“You will try to be what you think I want you to be rather than just being yourself!” she says. “You always see it from your own viewpoint.” HOW CAN IT BE BOTH

I’m asking you … pleading you … begging you, please help me understand how you have found clarity through this. Why are you hiding yourself, you are not that selfish. You are not such a self deceiver, you are not so cruel in any other situation apart from this.

You are trying to deny my past, present and future. You’ve never let me in and tell me that I never came in. I was there when you were having fun, it was not always hell, so why are you telling yourself it was now? Just to justify your decision.

How can you show me your assessment of our situation is mutually beneficial?

Why are you so convinced of this path? I’m open to that knowledge, and how can we approach it without it being so negative.

If this new way of thinking is so fantastic yet destructive to our relationship, then why did you not help me understand sooner. Why did you give up on me. OK If you don’t have the vocabulary to help me through it that’s OK. There must be others around you in your new family community that may be able to help.

I AM NOT JUST TRYING TO CLING I understand that you can see something I can’t at the moment and I want to jpoin your joy in seeing how it can be better without each other. There must be a positive way of thinking about it that doesn’t necessitate this destruction of my soul, for that is what it is. I cannot believe this is part of your learning, this absolute abandonment.

Please help me, and if you cannot bring yourself do do it then please someone else to. I am not asking for this just so I can hold on to you longer. I do not want to be with you when you constantly deny my worth and diminish my existence in this world. You put me down and then criticise me for feeling like a shit.

You are obviously not capable or willing, so lead me to someone who can.

Why do your keep this growth to yourself. I keep asking for help to understand and whenever in the past you have allowed me in yout existence, it is only after a lot of Kicking and Screaming in your own way.

You selfish woman! It is great, what you are doing, why not share it? Your judgements are clouding your perception and denying entry to something magnificent I believe. You help others see, so why not me? Why do you hate me so? I deserve better and you do not need to be the punitive character. Give feedback, yes. Give support, yes. Give knowledge, yes. Take me to somewhere where I can begin to learn and understand, not so I can stalk you but so I can be in alignment with your point of view. If it is so right, as you believe, then when I see it I will understand and believe it too.

Will I question it? Probably but that is just part of the learning. I may learn it differently from you but that doesn’t mean I can’t or won’t learn it.

Be kind. Fill me with good stuff, not this negative stuff and then accuse me of being negative.

We are BOTH the source of this conflicting persception. If you can’t or won’t help me, them please, please, please, please, please help me find someone who can. You know me better than anyone else.

It is URGENT, I am screaming inside, we are running out of time and patience. Please help me!

This is torment, “Oh look at the clarity I’ve got. All without your help. You’ve got to find your own way now because I don’t want you around me any more and don’t feel the need to support you.”

I wish I’d just jumped in when I thought about it and become cold and bloated fish food, and so do you because then it would have been easier.

But that’s not on. You deserve better, and so do I. You deserve a better kindness, and so do I. You deserve a better respect, and so do I. It is time to stop this hiding and occlusion.

This is the deal: You discover and share it with me – I discover and share it with you. If it shows that our paths diverge as you are so convinced it does then surely we will both see it. Please let me in so we can find a purer understanding.

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