Real hard work starts here:…
It is all about me because I have come to realise that I am the what in isa, is known as the Source.
I have in fact over the past four days very much mirrored my learning from that time and I have already written below that I have signed up to Review in March where all this will come up again and it will be great to notice the differences and shifts I can put into practise in the next few weeks.
Anyway. These are some of my recent realisations.
- It has become apparent that earlier in our relationship we didn’t have the tools and skills to address some primary problems with my own behaviour and attitude to her and the rest of the world.
- This marriage break-up has not just been because I felt expectations from her, my parents, society or myself. Neither is it because of my business failures, being fat, being generally unhealthy or anything else like that.
- THE BEHAVIOUR I SHOW TO THE ONES WHOM I LOVE THE MOST STEM FROM MY LACK OF SELF RESPECT.
- I am my worst and most harshest critic. I have supreme and deeply help belief in my low self-esteem.
- I use the fact that I treat myself so badly as an excuse to treat others in the same way saying, “Well if you think that’s bad, you want to see how I treat myself.”
- Even she has used the same excuse when being challenged on why she just took it for all those years. She didn’t tell me because she didn’t want to feed my self loathing anymore because she knew it would make me treat her and others even worse as well.
- I accused her of not working on our relationship when in fact she was doing it all along and we just didn’t know how to deal with our problems early enough.
- From the very moment she consented to marry me, I ran my life as if I would have her forever and let myself go when it come to working on myself further. I did not fulfil my vows primarily to love, cherish and honour her. Far from it.
- I now know that recognising my spirit within I can build upon my realisations to give me the strength to respect myself, enabling me to allow myself to love myself.
- I can use the intensity which is intrinsic in my character to develop ways of interacting with myself, and consequently others, in a GENTLE, CALM, UNDERSTANDING, KIND and LOVING way
From now I will endeavour to love, honour and cherish myself in the way I didn’t do so to her who I have frequently and often called: my love,my only love, without understanding that that love I was giving her was of the needy and suffocating kind which has burned her out and me along with it.
I am going to continue to seek and ask for help instead of trying to do it my way alone. I will own my learning, I will be true to myself and congruent.
I will do all this playfully, gently and with a lightness of touch.
- love |noun: an intense feeling of deep affection
- cherish |verb [ trans. ]protect and care for (someone) lovingly
- honour |verb [ trans. ]1 regard with great respect
These are some of the things I’ve learned over this past week, where I have plunged the depths and come back up feeling renewed and optimistic over my future and looking forward, even though my marriage has essentially broken down and my relationship with who I have always regarded as my soul mate will not have those physically intimate moments I enjoyed in mutual awe inspiring delightful joy, comfort and ecstasy. I will always, always miss that closeness of physical union.
I am sincerely grateful to have had the privilege of spending such a long amount of time with her. She has helped me grow and become a human at the cost of her own well-being.
She is magnificent and I am willing to work on my own potential to be magnificent. I recognise she is not responsible for me, nor me for her and we both deserve to look after ourselves so we can reach our potential in that magnificence.
I am also most grateful and feel privileged to those people who I have sought help and asked to share my thoughts on this blog.
None of you really know me well, though you may have done in the past.
Knowing you are still there for me and allowed yourselves to be available for me during these moments of what are clearly weakness and need has filled my emptiness with a lot of that ‘GOOD STUFF” I keep referring to which will help me in the future minutes, hours, days, months and years because this work goes forwards and I’m certain will knock me backwards too.
There will be many occasions when I will feel hugely despondent and will have to recognise that it is how it is, and it isn’t how it isn’t.
Thank you for being there for me.
My final thanks in this section go to myself
I didn’t think I had the strength to do any of this
I didn’t think I had the courage to ask for guidance and to put myself in line for receiving the feedback during this past week and I didn’t think I had the wisdom to simply say “Thank you” and use it to move my life onwards and genuinely work on myself to achieve the great results I deserve.
I am looking forward to using my intensity and determination amongst my other qualities to reach my life’s potential and look forward to asking, seeking and being open to guidance for me to make that happen.
I am looking forward to being in touch with my inner spirit and channelling my energies on journeys of excitement, discovery and giving.
In time, I hope I will once more be able to share part of my life with a loving and intimate partner to attain mutual and enduring magnificence: loving, cherishing and honouring each other with kindness, gentleness and playfulness.
This journey is still only beginning and at 46 it might be a bit tricky fitting it all in! Hard work and tenacity will be required.
The last few days have come along with many, many tears and no doubt there will be quite a few more but I am honoured that I am in touch with this side of me as it reminds me that I am worth it and working on it will be to the benefit of my family and the wider community as a whole.