Very dark clouds and a beautiful dawn
To re-cap: Friday evening I went to a local pub, well THE local pub, more accurately the ONLY pub I go into. (She goes into others)
It was pleasant enough, not too quiet not too busy. The place had many mutual friends and I just got into a couple of deepish conversations without revealing my current situation. I got a couple of snippets but they all came from a quite disturbingly intransigent points of view, like: it’s all about bricks and mortar, when that gets threatened they abandon it and go looking for another option; and if they were on the edge of a cliff with a baby in one arm and husband in the other and couldn’t keep hold of both, which one’s dropped? In a way it helped to illuminate the finality of the issue but other than that I was uncomfortable with the basely instinctive thrust of the points of view.
I am far more uncomfortable (yes, ‘uncomfortable’) with my continuing chats with her, and as they are deeply uncomfortable come along with much greater realisations. During the evening I’d texted: “It’s a shame that it has taken what you have said to me this week to give our relationship the seriousness it has always deserved.”
I don’t know why I copy it, because it is still so full of guilt, regret and negative thoughts, but I’ve done it now so I won’t delete. Oh yes, I remember why I copied it: the statement assumes there was a point in time when some action could have been taken to ‘Save the Relationship’.
I’m slowly realising that she has been so desperately unhappy for so long and my total ignorance of this that the change should probably have happened sometime in the mid to late 80’s – yes, that long ago.
Basically, there are some aspects of the way I do things which is very cumbersome and uncaring and she has taken the full force of my anger with the world rather than help me deal with it or just reject such abuse and ill-treatment and leave sooner. For whatever reason, it was inevitable that a breaking point would be reached and that time is now – TOO LATE TO NOTICE NOW KID.
Well, at least in this relationship. Probably nothing could have been done for a long time and under ever increasing tricky circumstances as the business failures mounted, and I suppose the bricks and mortar issue did raise it’s head, there was even less likelihood of keeping it going.
I have also been desperately unhappy, by what I believed to be her uncaring and unloving behaviour over the past couple of years and how she has seemingly abandoned any thought of trying to help maintain any order in the household.
Details and instances from both of us have been downloaded, pointed out, rationalised, debated, remembered and reminded.
There are a couple of aspects to this downloading.
First, it has fed my negativity about the situation and increased my own personal despair at my own behaviour.
Secondly, on a positive note, it has helped us acknowledge our mutual niggles with each other, it is important that nothing is left unturned which will just be like a pebble i our shoes over time. This seems to be less of an issue with her because she has already accepted the situation she allowed herself to get into and prolong longer than it should for her own well-being for a long while.It also looks like she has forgiven herself.
I on the other hand haven’t forgiven myself and am still very much in turmoil, possible because of…:
Thirdly, the downloading and enlightenment at how I have done this relationship highlights the unlikelihood of me ever being able to sustain a long term meaningful relationship or even get into one in the first place any time in the future. Yes, it’s that bad AND she hasn’t even told me everything!
No wonder I suppressed the reason why I copied that text!
Anyway, back at the pub: The night went on and time passed without me noticing. A ‘lock-in’ and finally an offer to go for breakfast at a local ‘spoon.I had been out all night without really flagging it up with her. I did what she did, and didn’t even think that she would be bothered or care. Well, she didn’t ring me up to see if I was OK anyway and when she disappeared recently for an all nighter, I had rung her frequently in despair and worry over her well-being.
On the way home, both my drunken drinking partner and I enjoyed a beautiful dawn.
I’d had no sleep at all. We chatted for a short while and the I started to write the “Take Me Up” post below which is the first one which actually has her as the audience and full of my desperate pleas for help.
Nothing resolved here, just more doom.