The sea change came from turbulent waters …
“I can’t believe what I have just agreed to.” I said later on Saturday evening.
I took a glass of champagne to her, clinked glasses and looking into her eyes said, “Good Luck!”
I had been awake since 2:35 am on Friday morning and at golf on the Saturday I was feeling a bit delicate. I started poorly but had a couple of moments of playing well, in fact much better than usual recent form.
Golf is very much a meditative game for me and thoughts were coming in thick and fast as my concentration was called for at one moment and then let to wander between shots.
I was in tears by hole 4 and I texted her to say I now understood exactly why she so definitely wanted me out of the way: it was so that she could look for a new relationship without having the feeling that she is cheating on me. Yes as basic and as simple.
I then realised there was A WAY TO KILL THE PAIN. I had no option but to set her free, which also in the process would set me free too. It was the only way and I was only now coming to terms with it.
Now. I recognise that I put up a fight. I recognise that I am determined. I reckon when all was finally lost, I still tried to save our marriage and ask for us to give our permission to work on it.
I also now recognise that I lost that fight and also it is a fight I should not have won.
I now have the chance to help turn our relationship in potentially a truly magnificent one, by working on myself to be the person I want to be with.
This is no blind belief in self love but a recognition that I cannot put the blame on someone else for not loving me – I am the Source of my own experience.
Do I wish we were still together as man and wife? Yes.
Do I know believe however that we have to chance to work together, supportively to still achieve a magnificent relationship, albeit without a physically intimate dimension? Yes.
Is this process going to be tough? Yes.
Will the greatest resistance come from me? Yes.
Am I willing to truly do what it takes to work on myself, notice how I’m doing it, ask for guidance and help, not blame others or beat myself up when I don’t like the results? Yes.
Yes? … Yes!
I’m I going to have fun doing it? Yes.
Good stuff this golf isn’t it!
I’d brightened up by the 10th and on the 12th I told one of my playing partners basically what I had just been going through.
I’d really lightened up.
The game ended and I called her again and finally got a reply.
I told her that I was uncomfortable with the concept of freeing her as it meant that I had tethered her but I was now willing to allow myself to let her go.
I said I thought it would be a most difficult thing to come to terms with and nevertheless I was will to progress our relationship for what was left of it, on that basis.
“Good bye, and thanks for all the fish,” as in the Hitch Hikers Guide was said by the dolphins as they left Earth.
This brought a laugh from the telephone and somewhere during the conversation I think she said thank you.
We also spoke a bit about my desire for continuing support, and my wish to get in touch with the spiritual side of my being which I had ignored, suppressed and allowed to be dormant throughout my life.
I then went tochat to somegolfy friends who had all obviously talking about me and was very honest and said I’d just allowed my wife top be free to from being in a marital relationship with me.
I received genuine heartfelt support. They know I’m an emotional and passionate guy and though I was pretty cheerful about it all at the time knew I had really suffered emotionally.
To my ultimate surprise, when she came to pick me up she gave me an unexpected gift which I felt very willing, privileged and gracious to receive.
We then went to a celebration party for my parents 48th Wedding Anniversary. Is there no end to this Universal battering?