Time to evolve…
Did anyone say this was going to be easy?
If anything, my ‘pain relief’ has made it harder. Come to think of it, it hasn’t really got rid of much pain. The pain of resignation is different from the pain of anger and frustration.
My turmoil today was an acknowledgement that though I have agreed that we are now separated for all intents and purposes and free to do as we please, I doesn’t mean I actually want it that way. And I reckoned that I wouldn’t feel that way until I didn’t want to be with her any more or think that our being together was going to benefit me, her and our family.
She says my presence is destructive and she’s had enough, I say I feel so changed and am really annoyed that I keep thinking of clichés like starting anew and reborn etc.
My point of view is why give up on a possibility of nurturing our unity for the right reasons rather than keeping it going and prolonging the pain for all the wrong reasons.
I said that it was unrealistic for me to expect any change in her point of view now or desire to leave and be free from me but I felt it may be a good idea to explore how it will be like with the shift I am so intensely feeling.
This section was initially prompted by my ‘future-thinking’ about talking to my parents about our current situation and pointing out to them that this same continuous way of support was now wrong and had to stop. This loading of expectation on me to support them which had been clouding my judgements for so long at the detriment of my own family unit.
There have been a number of situations when I laid down everything and have now lost it all and more, my wife included, and enough is enough!
I realised that this was indeed her analysis for own own relationship andI felt her anguish at yet again being brow-beaten into trying to relent and change her mind, just to give it one more go, just to give it one more chance “This time it will be different!” Yes,no wonder she wants to leave.
I acknowledge to her and said I would now agree entirely if not for the reason that I have truly recognised that I have been the source of the situation, I have stopped blaming others and am recognising that I have just bought into their way and made it my own through a justification of duty.
I said, it’s that sort of attachment to the concept of Duty that drives men over the wall into a hail of bullets under the presumption that what they are doing is for the greater good.
“Precisely!” she said.
… and that is why I still believe that this IS different. Because I have now recognised this and am doing something about it.
“The time,” I said, “is for an end to the words and a beginning to a demonstration. Words, I don’t find being easy but once they have been come up with are easy to say, it’s the putting into action of those words which is the real tough one and I have resolved to do so.
She then went a bit funny and started going on about having to wait. “Do I have to wait?” she kept asking. “How long do I have to wait? I’ve shown you the signs so many times before. How long do I have to wait?”
I echoed, “How long do you have to wait? How long DO I HAVE TO WAIT? I have seen those arrows, I have occasionally taken notice of them but dropped going in that direction. I AM GETTING TIRED. But I am NOT going to give up on myself, because I know inside me, I know that by nurturing and using what I have just been so tantalisingly given, the knowledge of my inner spirit, that I can … that I can … oh I don’t know what I can do because the possibilities seem endless. What I do know is that now is a time to start demonstrating it to myself and when you see it for yourself you may recognise that I am the sort of person you want around in your life and picking me in the first place WAS a good idea. Not just because it’s giving you a bit of heavyweight training but because I will be supporting you in the things that you do instead of expecting you to do that for me.
“I am now putting into place actions like detaching myself from my work shackles which will allow me to give you genuinely support you.”
She the asked a great question: “Is that the support that YOU want to give or the type os support that I WANT AND NEED?”
I said, “I don’t know, you’ll just have to look at it and choose. I have to demonstrate it.”
“Can I go? Will you let me go?”
“You already HAVE gone”
This is the truth: I have let her go and I am also in the process of letting myself go.
There is still such a very strong resistance to this and the prospect of being alone and surviving on my own devices is horrendous but that may have to be the way it is, especially for a while.
I need peace.
She said, “I started getting some of the ‘Good Stuff’ for myself when I started doing stuff for myself like going down to the pub for the music nights. That really plugged you in. And I was getting feedback on myself, not ‘Oh you’re a nice person’, but…”
“Yes, I know. When eventually I came down, at the invitation of a next door neighbour, I saw you being in your element and it didn’t plug me in at all. Far from it, I was happy for you to be with the people you were with, say hello and get on with enjoying the evening myself. I did get plugged in by you not inviting me.”
She said, “You had your golf to yourself, and I wanted something for myself.”
“I understand, and I wanted things that we could share without it being work or the kids, something for us.”
“It was also because it involved live music and you had said it pained you because you had always said that you wished you’d been there doing it yourself instead of having to listen to someone else.”
“Yes, but that was ‘before’. I was getting to the stage when I wanted to return to it. Remember when I sang my first song there and subsequently on other occasions, I could hear you singing along in the background…”
“Yes, my voice was awful and so out of tune!”
“… Indeed, but I could hear it, and it gave me such joy.”
She said, “You feed off pain! Look at you. See how soft and gentle you get when you see that I’m in pain.”
Now, I have to stop a moment here, because I’ve noticed this check mate situation before, this damned if I do and damned if I don’t: If I don’t respond to someone else’s pain, especially that which I have caused, then I’m “Insensitive and just seeing the world through my own eyes.” And if I do respond then it’s equally as negative because I’m “Doing it your own way again.” by creating the pain off which I feed.
Interesting because she uses this way frequently; interesting because I’m noticing it more; and, interesting because if I shut up and just think about what she has said I take the opportunity to make a bit of a leap.
There’s a syndrome which has isolated this causing pain in another in order to be the one closest to relieve it – I didn’t think I had it but maybe it is self serving. Mmm, I don’t know. I’ve questioned and had it pointed out to me before: why do I prolong my own pain?
Anyway. My previous post, I felt, was one recognising the beginning of an ‘Acceptance’ within me. I suppose the word ‘Resignation’ is a victim-like way of looking at it and still rears it’s ugly head.
She calls it going in and out; side to side stuff and says it’s tiresome. I agree with it’s effect but from a growth point of view am more interested in noticing the difference between the thoughts.
Resignation causes pain – Acceptance causes peace. Mmm, could do with some of that.
I did however, today revert back to my victim’s way of looking at things for a while and she caught me out during a period of time when I was uncontrollably crying, at work. I said I thought it maybe because I’d been by myself for so long. Maybe another consequence of only two hour’s sleep. I don’t know. I do know some people use sleep deprivation as a method of weakening someone and I definitely am experiencing moments of intense weakness and feelings of vulnerability.
The nub of this though is that it’s getting to the point of ‘Enough’s enough’. She is feeling even more worn away. I am just again doing it my own way and insisting the process is conducted by my own terms. I am again making our situation worse.
I have apologised to the other people I have invited to read my weblog for using the same clumsy approach I have been using all my life it seams, and when I spoke to her about it I said I justified it because I sought her permission and it was given.
Yes, she did give me permission to talk to her but she now feels I am using it to brow beat her again.
“I want some peace,” she said. I said, “You want it – I need it.”
“You don’t even hold me like I want to be held.”
I realise she is so desperately unhappy. I have put upon her so much pressure over the years and I’m just capping it off with this torrent of emotional outpouring.
It won’t be long now, my love, it won’t be long. I’m getting there. Thank you for helping me and I so desperately want to help you be happy and I cannot accept the only way to do that is for you to drop me and abandon our relationship. I can and am willing to give you my support and understand that involves you being free from having to support me all the time with all my baggage. You’ve done that for too long and it didn’t truly offer any support for me or yourself. We didn’t know better and we can still find one.
The baggage is getting chucked off, my love, it is, I can feel it. I can feel it because it is causing so much pain and resistance.
The lightness is counteracted by the heaviness. This is SO not easy. Please stick with me for a few more moments, I understand now, the desperation screaming inside you and the turmoil. I’m trying to take as little time as possible.
I know you feel you’re just doing it the same way, but you’re not, and I’m not. I am NOT dumping, I’m sharing and allowing myself to be shared with rather than just the one sided affair it has been for so many many years.
The overwhelming stress I have been under has taken over both our lives and I’m determined to get rid.
I understand now that we deserve a time of peace.