Posted by: funkydeez | February 3, 2009; 10:39 am

It isn’t the way it isn’t…

Being 25 was a great time…

There were dreams to fulfil; hope to be had; ideals were still intact; passions still free and the body still willing to go along with quite a bit of excess. Yes, 25 was a great age to be.

If somebody, let’s say aged 43 for example, had been a bit distracted and otherwise occupied through those years with, say, children, emotional immature partner. And what’s more carried on in that relationship for another, let’s say, 18 years. They may reach a point when they look at themselves in the mirror and say:

“What am I doing here? Why am I still here? Did I do some kind of universal criminal activity in that as penance I have to feel as vibrant and alive as I do but remain in this stagnant situation?

“I am told I look 10 years younger and my playful spirit, when it’s allowed to run free is a lot younger again.

“When I allow my playful spirit to run free, I am criticised by my supposed loved one, vilified by him and accused of causing him the utmost of intense emotional pain and boy, can he describe that well!

“I still have the chance to be that 25 again with the new friends I have found. He accuses me of wanting a relationship. He has suspected I am having a relationship but all I want is to be around my new friends, enjoy being with them for the way they are and have them enjoy me for the way I am.

“After all, I have remarkable qualities with the added bonus of having 43 years of wisdom. I can see how their passions work, their minds rise and can offer such valuable help if they ever ask for it to help them on their way so they may avoid or lessen some of the trials they would otherwise endure.

“When I was 25, I was un-noticed, nobody took me to one side and showed me, no-one put a loving arm around me and really listened to how I felt and now I can have that chance again.

“I can now start it all again, from 25. OK there may be a couple of problems on the way but hey, the amount of fun I’ll be having; the freedom of my spirit to enjoy and embrace it’s life and the vibrancy of those around it will more than make up for any trouble I may encounter.

“It will also help make up the loss of time, opportunity and enjoyment I have felt for so long but stuck with out of a sense of duty.”

Tears runs uncontrollably down her face at the pain of the loss.

Through those tears, she shows an emotional connection she has been accused of not having. She is called cold, un-loving and unaffectionate and she finds herself now in a relationship with a man who is continuing to take here very being from her with no return.

“He still doesn’t even hold me how he knows I wants to be held, he still insists on doing it his way. After all these years. After all I have give him and after all he has taken from me and after all the trust and faith I have put into him.

“Now he still continues to do it and I am pressurised with such emotional intensity to follow HIS way, HIS ideas, HIS hopes and HIS dreams.

“Well what about my dreams? Even if he changed and turned into the most actualised person on earth, he still wouldn’t be able to give me those years back.

“I CAN’T wait any longer. I HAVE to take this opportunity whilst I still can. I’ve DONE my bit, I don’t have to do anymore for this energy sucking emotional wreck. I’ve tried and tried over many years to help him and he still reverts back. This time won’t be any different and when he does revert back it will be late for me to reclaim this youthful time and I will be stuck, yet again, for ever.

“No. I owe it to myself. I owe it to my Mother who herself stuck it out beyond what was all reasonable. I owe it to my kids, they deserve to have a happy mum and in time, if he is serious about working on himself they might enjoy a happy dad.

“I even owe it to him, though he doesn’t realise it yet. He will be so much happier if he just reclaimed some of his own dreams and ideals when he was 25 but I can see it is still so difficult for him.

“I can’t do any more for him. I am no longer willing. I have to work on MYSELF and allow ME to be the person I can be. I must STOP TRYING to live HIS life for him and start living MY life for ME. TRYING means NOT doing it.

“He says I just want another relationship. He says I just lost confidence and trust that he can provide for me and my children. No it’s much more than that. I have so much to give still and I have given everything I can to him, I no longer want or need to give him any more.

“I’ve done my bit. Nobody can accuse me of not giving it my all.

“I have to go NOW, this IS the time, MY opportunity to make something of my life, I only get one shot at it and I so dearly hope he will understand very soon because i can’t go on this way much longer before I really snap and then it could get really hurtful all round.

“I do love him. I do like him and yes I do want to be with him, as a parent of our children.

“I also like the idea of this ‘magnificence’. But I also have to give my spirit it’s freedom, that’s all I want now … my freedom

“Please let me go. Keeping me like this is not working on yourself, it feels like you are trying to work me over and test out your skills of persuasion on me.

“I’m all used up. Please let me go.

With that, she goes downstairs to continue with her day and see what emotional gymnastics are going to be on show. She’ll have the strength to cope with it probably but not for long, the time is getting near. She needs some peace.

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Responses

  1. […] Funkydee Plays Life! …but who’s keeping score? « It isn’t the way it isn’t… […]


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