Still not sure…
Events on 03-02-09, written on 04-02-09
During the past few days I keep getting a feeling I am still not getting it. Either I am being misunderstood or I am misunderstanding her. I keep thinking that what I think is true, isn’t.
I still feel that I am draining her through our little chats and the previous night’s rather abrupt finish with the “I want peace” bit uncovered a raw edge in us both.
In truth, she has been so steadfast during this past week that any glimmer of annoyance or negativity is really noticeable. During this time she has remained nearly constantly calm, only getting irked when I obviously regress back into either my ‘Beating Myself Up’ or “Please Don’t Leave Me’ modes.
In the morning, she came downstairs to find me once again in uncontrollable tears. I had just written my little story about the woman, as she walked in I tried to hide myself away and apologised saying, “I didn’t want you to see me like this” She spoke in a calm voice, “It’s OK,” and proceeded to sit down directly in front of me though I moved away a bit in shame of my breaking down. Writing that section was so tough on me (my ego?) and I felt really raw. I wanted to delete it in case it gave her any more ideas.
I blew my nose and inspected the result as I’d been bleeding earlier, I had told her I felt highly blood pressured and even my genitals had shrunk back into my body. I didn’t tell her this was just compounding my feelings of emasculation of the past few months’ starvation of intimate contact.
She moved again in front of me and opened a book. In it she wrote: “To … , readings for a journey, the rockiest paths lead to the best views, with love … X” and handed it to me.
I looked through my tears to see the largest word on the front cover was ‘Soul’ – a word I have had great difficulty with all my life. It looks like she is willing to help me on a journey of learning and discovery after all. I sobbed and pointed to the weblog page I’d just squeezed out of that very soul.
The quiet was punctuated by a few mouse clicks and a few sighs and after reading it she said it was 90% correct.
She didn’t agree with the my writing that all the years have been wasted and she didn’t go a bundle on the reclaiming her youth bit. And also said she wasn’t getting impatient about our ‘chat process’.
I can see the objection about the wasted years: it’s just a negative opinion I suppose and me just plugging into a bit of low esteem again, honestly I didn’t do it on purpose but when I’ve been wallowing in such kak for a lifetime it’s a struggle to get rid over a week!
Regarding her observation about reclaiming the lost years, she went on later to say that she was regarded very much as a ‘Ma’ and was quite happy with her age difference. Mmm, I’ll go along with that because they obviously look up to her with high regard and respect of wisdom, I know I do but haven’t shown it, but (and I mean but) there is now actual phrase specifically referring to ‘reclaiming my youth’ and she still read it in to it so maybe there is something there for her to look at, though there is absolutely nothing wrong with the idea as far as I can see.
It is sadly true that I also agree with her new friends and hold her in high regard and respect her wisdom … oh very much so … and despite this inner truth, externally I have consistently been horrible to her, often belittled her opinions and not given much priority to examples of her undoubted intuition and wisdom.
Why is that? Why? Is it because I don’t want her to usurp my authority? Is it because I’m just a bully at heart? Often during our chats she when I mentioned that I’d been asking for help, advice or guidance during our business relationship in particular she insists, “Well, I did tell you! I told you loads of times and you just ignored me or put down my ideas.” I usually immediately retort on the lines of, “There is a bigger picture to take into consideration,” or say that previously something similar had been tried and didn’t work.
I really don’t know, but what I do know is that if I had shown more respect and given more value to her counsel then we may not be in the position we are in now.
The other interesting thing about her feedback was that I didn’t reply to it straight away and put it down whereas normally I would. Now that is REALLY interesting. My opinions were kept to myself at the time though we did touch on them later in a more inquisitive manner rather than confrontational style: “I think this … / No you’re wrong!” etc etc etc.
I had an emotional ‘event’ at the dentist’s. After the anaesthetic and whilst the dentist was out of the room I cam over all emotional and sat up with tears, I’d forgotten nurse was still there. I reckon she was thinking I was having a heart attack or something. Anyway she put her hand on my back and comforted me asking if I was alright. I was a obviously a bit dismissive and extremely embarrassed but, you know, that comforting hand sure felt good and is one of the nicest touches I’ve had in ages. A bit of sympathy … there, there.
Oh what a child I am; never grew up; never wanted to; always happiest at the breast.
Later, she called me on the phone and I had a bit of a laugh about our mutual horoscope saying that mine seemed more like hers and vice versa, she answered that, “You read into it whatever you take out of it.”.
Now up till that point, it was late morning and I hadn’t had any breakfast and our call came just before it was served so I didn’t get chance to eat it. I mention this because as a diabetic, when my sugars drop too low I do get to feel very vulnerable, often shake and get weird pains or headaches etc.
Anyway, I wanted to reiterate that I had resigned to the fact we were no longer in our ‘as a couple’ relationship. I hadn’t changed my mind all of a sudden. BUT I started to crash and break down again saying.
“I have the feeling of a condemned man talking to his gaolers soon before the inevitable end.” I felt sick to the pit.
“I just don’t agree this is the best way. Together we can do so much. I wanted to keep the unit together and the whole is greater than the sum of the two parts. In a few years we will look back and laugh at ourselves in our wobbliness.
“Yes, you going off will create great results and I am also capable of creating great results but together we can create magnificent results. The universe put us together for a reason.”
Quick as a button she said, “Maybe so, but I’ll be happy to take the results I get!”
I don’t think that was what I wanted to hear.
I went back to the café and my brekky had been kept warm for a good 40 minutes, it looked how I felt and a lot less appetising. A fresh portion was very kindly dished up free of charge and I ate, slowly feeling a bit stronger with every mouthful.
She came to work, I said that I was sorry and didn’t want to break down again like I had done on the phone. I thought I was getting better but this day had been one where I’d written three sections of my blog, had some brain weakening anaesthetic, went unfed for a bit too long.
Always an excuse for my bad behaviour. See! Nothing’s changed.
I told her that wanted more ‘good stuff’. I wanted to be strong and as sure that we are doing the right thing, I was desperate all over again, at a loss and feeling so … so … oh I don’t know HOW I feel. I don’t know what to do or anything. She was going to leave me, drop me and that was that. Shit eh?
I asked for guidance, strength and direction and if she didn’t feel comfortable or able to do it can she suggest someone.
“OK,” she said, ” Come on, Let’s go do ‘bookshop'”
Breaking for the Borders I sort of asked for permission to say something. I’m getting to realise that just setting off at 100mph motor mouth isn’t helping me remember what I’m saying ar even getting a point across, it’s just babble much of the time and repetitive.
“I have enjoyed our talking and I had a thought that the way you are approaching my current discomfort and uncertainty about our situation was fantastic and really helping out, I also thought that subconsciously I might be re-attaching my disenchantments to delay my complete acceptance and understanding. You have spoken of the frustration you have when I to and fro. Maybe I am using a subconscious staling tactic to keep you with me longer.
“Well I’m tired of this behaviour,” I continued, “And wanted to conduct my conversations with you differently.
“I promise that I wont keep revisiting ground we have covered regarding who what when etc. unless you want to investigate something yourself.
“I promise I wont continue to try and talk you in to staying and hope that you change your mind and stay.
“I understand I am not perfect and will respond positively when you catch me out if you think I and breaking one of my promises.”
We were at the bookshop now. “Let’s go in,” she said
“What about what I have just said?” Silence…
“Err, can I get back to you on that, I’ll have to think about it.”
Now, just think, if she had said the same thing when I’d asked her to marry me in front of all those people, how our lives may have been different.
It was like becoming a kid again. Mooching around the bookshelves looking for what attracted and made a connection. I didn’t necessarily go for the obvious and well displayed, equally I didn’t purposefully avoid them either. Everything was in bounds. I used to do this sort of thing when I was a teenager and it’s how I managed to read all sorts of weird stuff. We also used to do it together when we were going to isa events.
“This is what I’d did when I got started,” she said.
I was a bit at a loss and kept wanting to ask what she thought would be good for me, but resisted the crutch.
She picked one for herself and passed me one for approval for me, I read a few snippets, they connected and made me smile. I also picked one for myself.
“Both? You never were a cheap date,” she said.
Was that our first post-marriage joke?
Strange it should come from her and I thought, “Ah. So THAT’S how it feels.” I felt a sharp niggle and probably muttered something I’ve forgotten now. I’d do that to her all the time, stick in a little jesty comment meant to raise a laugh and put down at the same time. Some of my own medicine, I didn’t like it at first but soon admired her cheek and raised a smile.
I’m not criticising her for saying it at all, after all I don’t have any problem with banter in fact the more the better to keep people on their sociable toes but I was surprised and more than a little pleased that she showed a bit of verbal gumption.
I bought her a going out to party gift on the way back home as I had to go to a chemist and pick up a prescription and whilst I was waiting I was looking for a return gift for her.
Should I go safe and choose shampoo, bubble bath or a hair brush? No, I went to the make-up counter. She never was one for too much make-up: fine features and natural beauty with good skin but her eyes were looking a bit tired so I went for some eye-shadow. The first time I’d ever bought her make up. I also included a couple of liquorice sticks just to help her constitution along – I just can’t stop wanting to care for her.
I gave her my gifts, “Ooh lovely, let’s see what colouring it is.”
I’m not sure she grasped the internal significance my choice of gift was, in that I was trying to help here feel good about herself and go out running the risk of attracting other men. Still on another level it was genuinely just a gift.
Later I told her I purposefully asked for the receipt if she didn’t like the shades as I’d toyed with the thought that she might have preferred a more fiery colour to go with the red colours she liked to wear, but she said they were fine as she often wore brown shades.
Now I have noticed being plugged in by some things that were said.
The first was when she was referring to a mutual friend who during her first conversations with him she said he was doing it like he was “Trying to get his hand in my knickers.” She told him he was barking up the wrong tree but ‘Trying to get his hand down my knickers”. Everytime I think about it, it grates. She had said it once before, earlier in the week when she was describing how she had to fend some people off.
In a way, to me the phrase just debased our intimate relationship, something that she always made me feel I was good at (I am easily convinced!) and I had thought it did go some way to her paradoxically staying with me whilst in other areas I was not really doing our relationship that well. Well, more the fool me then, she wont feel that she has to fend them off so much now. (ouch! that is cutting – now do you see what she has had to suffer? such a barbed comment – I’ll leave it in to remind myself)
Next thing that plugged me was when she said, “I have no notion of love.” Again I was fairly pleased with myself for not jumping on this straight away and we spoke later about how there is more than one type of love. Eskimos have 20 words for snow; the Greeks have 40 words for love; the English only have one.
There is a love for nature, artistic beauty, intimate love, love for our children and parents, love for our pets, and the usually female “I love that top and those shoes” kind of love, so what was her problem? Had I ruined it for her so much?
Quite honestly, these Plug-Ins appear to me as just ego driven reactions which I am not surprisingly a bit sensitive to and I fear they may stick for a while.
It’s good to start noticing though.