Posted by: funkydeez | February 6, 2009; 5:04 am

Assisting, with Grace…

I totally missed the point…

I was too busy trying to look as if I was doing the right thing, curry favour, get a long and look good that I totally missed the point.

The point is:

  • Always look to see what needs doing.
  • Do it because it needs doing and don’t if it doesn’t.
  • Be creative
  • Be understanding.
  • Come from an abundance of love and energy
  • Be honest.

There are loads of other points I missed too but these make a good start and spring to mind after today’s activities.

Obviously things have conveniently shifted away from my tribulations with my marriage and depressive thought ramblings.

In the morning, she came home after spending all night with her mum,  to take kids to school and get a bath etc.

Our youngest took the news quite emotionally and whilst she was in the bathroom I went up to give him a cuddle and a few words to help him get his feelings out. Coincidentally, we had discussed a visualisation process the other day and created one where he could go and feel safe, happy and comfortable when things are getting tricky.

We went there for a couple of minutes and he calmed down before we started talking about our friend’s passing again.

Downstairs, he made a bee line for his mum. She looked so good. She was great. They hugged and chatted gently. I watched for a while, drinking it in: mother and child consoling each other, figuring out how to move on,being real and true to themselves and their feelings, being congruent, being there for each other, being loving, being themselves.

This was nurturing at work and how our children are so fantastic. She has always been so genuine and present for them and this was one of the first times I’d seen it.

A privilege to watch. This is what I’d been missing, for all those years.

I reckoned some things needed doing: toast, coffee, get the boys up gently encourage immediate movement towards the bathroom, extra round of toast for those who wanted it. Got them all out of the house more or less on time without anybody shouting then sorted myself out a bit.

Went up to her mums to swap cars so she wouldn’t have to cart me around and so she could be with her mum, I had to do a bit of to-ing and fro-ing and I noticed a few things.

  1. The obvious one was that we would not be conducting our close quarters chats today in the car or anywhere else. She would be supporting her mum today and not me.
  2. I was noticing that I was seeing that my next task was based upon observing what needed doing.
  3. It was just like ‘Assisting’ but instead of doing it within isa,it was doing it in my own life with the people I cared for
  4. It didn’t feel like a chore, it actually felt like a privilege.

I realise now that my training was good but I just didn’t apply it in my everyday life.

Just think for a moment. If I had done it that way around when the twins were born and continued, just looking for what needed doing in the present and doing it, how would I be now?

I appreciate I should really stop dissecting the past but this is really looking at what I have learned and how by not applying it in my everyday life has possible created the situation I am now in. I haven’t FOUND my self here, I’ve PUT myself here.

Look now folks, this is not being hard on myself or beating myself up, it is being observational and honest.

I was a good assistant within isa, I had all the tools to be a good one at home too, I just wasn’t. I had treated my previous personal growth work like a job rather than a school and now HERE WE ARE.

Other things did get in the way at work, regarding my dad but again that is just an excuse. If I had really done what I knew I could have done at the time if I’d just put the effort in and thought about it instead of just coasting, different things would have been created, new management and organisational skills learned  and maybe, just maybe we may have started to get the results we were aiming for.

And all though it was the stress building up and up, stronger and stronger and I have over the last 16 years become more and more despairing – I can’t remember when I didn’t feel that way. A sense of impending doom and I felt I had to just stick it out regardless of the consequences to support my dad, because that was my duty as a son.


I spoke to my mum and told her about what had happened, we consoled each other with the knowledge that he had looked after an ill wife for many years, saw her suffering and she saw him suffering as a result, so had my MIL with her husband.

This is where my wife is coming from for much of this. She feels her mother should have got out of her physically and emotionally abusive relationship many years before but stuck it out in a way she is not prepared to do with me.

When I said the other day that she should have put her foot down more she said I wasn’t taking into consideration where she’d come from i.e. this abusive relationship with her father where he didn’t afford her any affection or allow her to be consoled by her mum.

Therefore any affection I showed her was new in her experience and I never hit her or anything, and was kind in many ways. As I was calling and pleading for her to answer back, she just didn’t have the skills or vocabulary to spare with a, supposedly, dominant male figure. I didn’t have the wisdom or presence in the ‘now’ to figure any different. No-one is to blame.

She was so happy that her mum had finally found a few years of happiness with her friend in a caring and loving relationship and now he has gone and she is frightened for her mother’s well-being being alone again.

She herself has decided that she would now rather be alone than continue with our own relationship together which is not supporting her in the way she wants and giving love in the way she wants to receive it. Remember the comment, “You don’t even know how to HOLD me!” Here mum stuck it out to the bitter end, but she’s not.

As per my eye opening realisation about when to quit and when to look and move on, she has made such an assessment upon our own relationship and there’s no going back because it’s pointless trying to use a tool which has served it’s useful purpose. Mending it won’t work, assuming it can be mended at all.

Now I of course may beg to differ but what the heck, old shit still smells the same and I’ve had enough of that. I’m not trying to prove anybody wrong or right I have decided to use my talents of tenaciousness, determination and resolve to rekindle the lessons I’ve learned in the past and put myself in the position of learning lessons now.

The added difference this time is that I am so affected by what is happening to me and my feelings at the moment that I am ready to put these lessons into actions and do some practising.

I AM happy to take what results I get too!


Work was much better but not perfect.

Left to my own devices I get a bit wobbly sometimes (not always) but I did get through a lot just not doing two things I’d originally set out to do, but I didn’t have much downtime today messing about on the net or anything like that.

Got another two small but useful orders but not enough to create a miracle.

I was alone, but didn’t feel so lonely. She did ring up frequently and each time I looked forward to what she might say and how I might help out. Usually, I feel pretty useless but at the moment I feel quite useful and am making myself available.

Certain things needed attending to like a bit of cash flow and that was done.


The rest of the evening was a bit tricky here and there.

There were positive moments and negative moments.

She told me she is staying at her mum’s again overnight. Now I understand this is necessary but I can’t get over the feeling that she has now ‘left the building’. It is the first time I’ve turned off the outside light when she’s still out. I always keep it on for her to welcome her home and this time it was different.

I feel very morose about this. I am quite content at the moment to continue to share the same roof. Girlfriend/boyfriend issues can be dealt with when they arise if ever. We are not arguing and are pretty tolerant of each other’s behaviour so I can’t see the point of anybody leaving just for the sake of leaving. She may think differently, I don’t know. We haven’t really got down to discussing that side of things yet and to be truthful I don’t feel ready yet, or more truthfully I don’t want to because I will discover something I don’t like.

Supporting her mum from being alone however would seem to be a good excuse for moving out on a more permanent basis and would give her the emotional freedom to come and go as she pleases. It’s in a good location to keep in touch still, wouldn’t take much needed money out of the household budget which we will need to do the house properly so we can sell it and I can see the attraction in all honesty (I hope she doesn’t read this bit!)

On a more positive note, I got on pretty well with the twins this evening. I socialised with a clutch of people, nodding, saying hello, sitting down for a minute. It’s not easy doing that on quiz night as everybody thinks you’re trying to cheat!

I noticed I was displaying a bit of clownish behaviour to gain a bit of acceptability, I even wore another silly hat and did a tea pot with a tea cosy impression. It wasn’t that funny but people are seeing me behave less miserably and it has it’s novelty value. We even finished off with another snowball fight.

I noticed it though and don’t know if it is really being true to myself as opposed to just trying to fit in with is basically a younger group of people who were initially her friends. I can see their attraction, as my contemporaries are all a bit … weird in the strange, opinionated and in a way safe way. 

Anyway, whether I’m being true to myself or not, at least I’m experimenting at doing it different and having a bit of fun at the same time.


When did I become boring?

Why did I become boring?

Why did I stop doing the things I enjoyed?

How on earth did my ‘whatever’ self think about the potential consequences to me personally and in my relationships with my close and now diverging family.

What on earth were YOU thinking boy!


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