A Complete Day…
Started with a counselling session and I handed out print outs of this blog.
I had tried to highlight significant insights but couldn’t get through it all. Not much further to add on that part of the day except to say he pointed me to a poem which will appear later some time.
I’d had a call from my mum to ask if we could help them escape from the snow, when I was picked up, she also had a call from her mum too. “We pass that way, let’s go see her first, ” I suggested.
Her mum’s partner wasn’t feeling well, the doctor was called but decided to give it till later on in the day. Her mum looked harrowed and concerned.
Next stop was to do a bit of snow clearing. I did that whilst she helped my mum do shopping – a bit dangerous cos she might start asking questions, we have both been behaving a bit oddly recently. For example BEING SEEN with each other, TALKING to each other in quietened voices and NOT BEING ANTAGONISTIC to each other.
Anyway, a bit of hard graft doesn’t harm the soul.
(Hey! I used that difficult word again! Something strange is happening, first I become more accutely aware of my ego driving my emotions and actions and now I’m talking sort of non-physical stuff!)
I was knackered clearing the snow, but it was a good knackered!
I played with levels of perfection and unfortunately my snow shovel started to pack in after all this heavy shovelling.
The task became progressively more difficult.
I had to improvise which took more effort.
The results weren’t as good.
It was getting impossible to carry on doing it the same way. Initially it looked fine and it was full steam ahead and now it was just all but impossible.
I was in tears when she came back.
“Look!” I cried, “This is how I always do it. To the bitter end. No matter how ridiculous it is to carry on, I still do and will do until it breaks completely and all I have left is a pole.
“When will I learn what it is to have to learn?”
This was a really profound example, yet again, I’m just so … so … SO… BLIND! Aaaarrrggghhh.
OK, here goes: (I really don’t know where I’m going with this cos I’ve only just thought of it)
There is a difference between quitting and giving up a task because it isn’t getting the desired results.
Doing it a particular way may have worked in the beginning but using the same tools over and over till destruction means the journey gets harder and harder till it grinds to a halt.
Just trying to fix it and improvise isn’t really addressing the issue in that this way just isn’t working any more and I will never be able to make it work as well as it did originally however hard I try, however tenacious I am and for however long I keep stubbornly banging on at it.
Different techniques must be used in a timely fashion.
WHEN is ascertained by honest reflection, seeking feedback, responding to the situation as it IS and not as it IS’NT! I keep getting back to this but keep lacking in true understanding: It is as it is, it isn’t as it isn’t.
So STOP PRETENDING and living in a dreamworld.
STOP feeding of my unrealistic wishes.
START LOOKING at how it actually is.
START to take creative action to assist in achieving my goals.
START LIVING in the present and let go of the past.
USE THE PAST as a LESSON and not an EXCUSE
USE THE FUTURE as a guide and not fixed in stone JUST LET THINGS HAPPEN
TRUST IN THE PROCESS
OH GOD, just let things happen and STOP FEELING SO FUCKING SORRY FOR MYSELF
This was a writing revelation, not a contemporaneous one.
I feel drained and in shock, I’m crying with emptiness. I want to meditate but want to carry on writing because not doing so makes me lag too far behind and I can’t remember everything.
Maybe I should just let things happen and see how it goes.
I talked to my dad about deciding to pack in work and spend time working from home and maybe change direction and find a job. He wanted to ask questions and I said I would answer them honestly but he might not like the answers.
I think he could see that I was at my whit’s end with it all. I am. I’ve had enough of this self battery, this trying to make do with duff equipment (i.e. me) and getting nowhere.
The organisation is flawed. It has a good margin but not enough work to pay the overheads, I we have taken no disposable income into our household for years, and my stubbornness and refusal to quit has clouded my rational judgement to respond effectively.
I am burned out. “Like a sucked and spat out Smartie, I’m no use to anyone.” (John Cooper Clarke – Twat!) not like this anyway.
I am used up, but not in a good way. I feel my efforts have been awaste of much of my energy and I have layed down my life in false hope.
It wouldn’t be so bad if I actually had clear goals or dreams.I don’t know where I’m aiming for, don’t know where I’m going,what the joining instructions are and I don’t know which places to get of and take a different direction are. I AM TOTALLY AT A LOSS I am totally lost,and now I’m by myself without my soul mate to hold my hand and help make me feel better.
And there again is the rub. Doing it that way helped neither of us, did it!
She put on a different and positive slant without changing any of the facts, “This feeling of laying down your life in what you reason is failure, may not be as it seems. It is actually coming from higher virtue in that you have given complete service which was one of your ‘purposes’ in life you told me anyway. You you actually were doing it all along.”
As was she, if that perspective is taken, those years have not been a waste. She too was coming from a standpoint of service.
Now this has taken a couple of days to sink in and I again realise that JUST LETTING IT HAPPEN includes my sometimes tardy blog posts in that it takes a while occasionally for the realisation to filter through. If I had written this on the evening, I may not have had such a profound experience a few minutes ago and again I feel those gurglings again just writing that down.
Work beckoned and later I was called to be ready straight away as her mum’s friend had taken a turn for the worse it seemed and an ambulance had finally been called.
It was on the way that she gave me the above observation but we couldn’t concentrate on it at the time, it would be left for me to work it out.
We got there just in time to find him in the ambulance.A paramedic said the call was a bit over dramatic, he just had a chest infection and definitely hadn’t had a heart attack but were taking him in anyway.
She dropped me off home and went to support her mum at the hospital.
I had to go see a customer late before 12 so I diligently did my blog writing. As I pressed submit, I must have done something wrong and it didn’t save properly and three hours work had been lost.
Err… I wasn’t too happy!
I lost it a bit in front of the kids (they don’t know the content of my writing yet by the way, that little choice event is yet to come)
I texted to find out how things were going. She replied they were doing tests and that he was in an ICU which sounded a bit serious to me.
Anyway, I went out to meet my client and happily picked up some urgent work to do. At 11:56 I had sent a text to tell her what I’d done, get an update of his health and warn her it was very icy and to take care on their way home.
I was doing a late night washing up when she called to say that he had passed away at five to twelve. He had a heart attack just after 11:30. It didn’t take long and he is now peaceful.
If we hadn’t have gone through our recent troubles and chats I cannot imagine me being as supportive or even knowing what was going on.
How does it always seem to fit in to place? Divine Law? Trusting the process?
Nearly every moment I am expanding, I can feel it, I know it and I can almost hear it.
I have an inner strength that has become apparent to me, a resolve,almost a purpose and do you know something? I LIKE IT!
It is assisting those around me. Those I care for and the number of people I actually care for has at least doubled in the past week alone.
I have touched loads of them, really connected like never before: with my humour, my playfulness, my empathy with their own concerns, shared their laughter, joy of things like music, shared their hopes and dreams and been willing to share of myself in a way I would not have dared not so long ago. Let’s face it, I wouldn’t have shared 99% of this blog with MYSELF, no matter to anyone else.
I offered my heartfelt wishes to her and finally her mum saying, “May we all live long to remember him.”
“I intend to,” she said, “Don’t you worry.”
What a fine woman she is. And her daughter is fine too.
I’m sure the Greeks have a single word to describe my love of this quality and the English have yet to catch up so I’ll have to make do with the tools that language has given me: I love them both.
I did the deal with the boys asking them to have due regard for the feelings of their mum and remember him with fondness after all the things he did for us and his gentle and most generous manner.
For a brief moment I felt a part of something bigger, much bigger and I felt warm and accepted.