Letting loose for freedom …
03-02-09 (Tuesday) written early 06-02-09
Getting home after receiving and giving my gift I was elated somewhat and eager to start. She went to do her sitting and I actually cooked tea for our youngest. I’ve done the occasional snack before but not a quick meal.
Quick read of the intro and 1st chapter of my Soul book, quick clean up then off down to the music round at the local pub. I’m resolved to put everything into it instead of being so shy (What? Me, shy?)
Met periodical friend who I originally met just after his wife passed away. We immediately reconnected and I was not going to say “Fine” to the usual opening how are you question.
He’s a gem and came out with the notion that it’s just like a train journey rather than a destination in itself. People get on, people get off and go off on a different track in another direction. Along the way you make some good friends but they either get off the train somewhere or you do, whatever, your paths will always diverge at some point no matter what.
He said he wished his wife could have been with him to enjoy the travelling that takes up most of his time now. I said, “Don’t you feel that if she were here she would be delighted you just didn’t wallow in self pity, in fact, don’t you actually feel that she IS here with you, still being your companion.” He had been looking down but now raised his head and our eyes met and we both had the tears of two men struggling to find something happy to think whilst feeling such profound loss.
“Look,” he started, “When yer in bed and da roof comes crashing down all arount yer. If you can get up, and di only thing you can find is yer socks, shoes and pants you got to stand up and shout ‘Tank fuck I’m alive’ and get on with it!”
Er … my friend comes from Dublin – was that obvious?
I sang three songs: one written by a friend when he had decided to break from his girlfriend; one by John Martin, who has just died, which if anything is ‘Our Song’ – I dedicated it ‘To John and Tracey, may you both enjoy your journeys” I don’t think anybody noticed I just told the whole pub we have split up; the last song was the only one left that I can play, not relevant to this.
What is relevant is the number of people who came up to me afterwards and commented that it was the best versions I had ever done of them. I had to agree, and I really did enjoy playing, getting immersed within the sound of the guitar as may heart sang out. One of my sons also did a bit of guitar noodling in the background which made my heart soar when I heard it, It’s our first public duet.
Music is like surfing: you can’t do it whilst you’re holding on to something, you have to let go completely so you can really ride the surf
Life is like surfing … Relationships are like surfing… Everything is , it just can’t be done whilst clinging on to either a dream or a safety net.
So, if I KNOW this, why do I cling on so and always feel the need to keep a bridge handy to fall back on, every time almost without exception?
I didn’t tonight when I was singing, far from it, I really let rip and reaped the rewards of many a compliment but more so, just feeling congruent and feeling myself being ME. You can never be sure whether another person’s compliment is just to be encouraging and kind, but the best compliment I received was from myself, and that was definitely genuine.
I so wish she had been there to see me like that, it would have given her great encouragement that I was healing and being true to myself. She would have been pleased and would have deserved to feel proud of herself for helping me to get on such a track.
My wedding ring had been mended, it was my grandfather’s. A friend got it fixed for me which was kind.
It had been broken for a couple of years now and I only got the courage to take it off and do something about it last Friday when I stopped out all night.
I always knew inside that it was symbolic of how our marriage was faring but didn’t dare to force the issue or take heed of the message it was giving.
Now it is mended, my marriage is not mended, it is irreparably damaged. However, I do think it is HEALED, or at least well on the way to being so, and that at this moment is the most important thing which is helping me carry on.
Still don’t like it though. When will I see the positive? I’m getting so tired. Do I have to completely let go so I can do the surfing properly? Can’t i just keep a gentle hand to hold? Does it HAVE to be so final?
I still slip very easily into these thoughts but I have to admit they are less frequent. They still have their deep despair and the emotions run if anything deeper but by using myself-hypnosis trigger word I have been able to bring myself back soon enough.
(Just notice it, boy…)
Yes, our marriage is nearly healed and it feels as if I’m nearly ready to move on.