Posted by: funkydeez | February 7, 2009; 3:44 pm

Being Hard Work…

“What is wrong with wanting an easy life?”

“You are too much hard work. You make everything hard work.” She kept saying.

“I agree!” I said, “I want to leave me too, Can I come with you?

“It’s getting me down, really down and you have some relief at least because you are not with me all the time – I am.

“For so many years I have been struggling to make succeed something I know deep down won’t. I’ve been living other people’s lives. When I told my dad I was packing in the business he looked into may face and I knew that he knew he was looking at all but a broken man. He looked sad and disappointed – another thing that he tried so desperately to make happen for the good of his family had failed I could tell he was thinking.”

You see, She says we are so different but in truth we are very much the same:

  • She doesn’t want to copy the mistakes that her mother made by staying over-long with her father. Her mother had stuck with him out of ‘A Sense of Duty’ despite obvious signs the relationship wasn’t working. Her mother made mistakes; she has been making mistakes she thinks are similar and feels it’s about time she learned from those mistakes by taking action and moving on.
  • I don’t want to copy the mistakes that my father made by staying over-long working in a business, ploughing everything in and risking everything with it. My father had stuck with the business he had modelled as a ‘family’ business for generations to come out of ‘A Sense of Duty’ despite obvious signs the business wasn’t working. My father made mistakes; I have been making mistakes I think are similar and feel it’s about time I learned from those mistakes by taking action and changing the way I do my life.

I continue, “If there was one iota of happiness, just one iota I might think it would be worth trying to carry on but I can’t find one. This is torture.”

My work is situated in a industrial unit. It’s walls are made of breezeblock, it has a high ceiling, only 4 strips out of a possible 20 or so lights are working (they are all but inaccessible to change), so it is too dark to work effectively, it has no heating and every five minutes during this time of year I have to huddle one of the electric fires I have surrounded myself with.

“Even a Turkish prison has a window, for goodness sake, I want out!”

The difference with this conversation this evening was that there was a bit of conflict and almost quite heated, we had both had some alcohol and perhaps our tolerances were diminished, anyway, it was no where near enlightening as some of our recent chats. In fact, the whole thing nearly broke down.

We shifted our conversation away and started to talk about other things she had introduced me to this week which so excites me. My new way of thinking, my new perspective which is being assisted seems to me to be offering a most beautiful way out of my emotional quagmire that I have put myself in and dragged my love in there with me.

I now havethe belief that working on myself and continuing to learn in this direction will allow me to be genuine to myself. Be honest with those around me without imposing my brashness. In a very short time, when I pack in my attachment to ‘The Business’ and focus on the pressing things within our house I will have created the time and space for me to stop making such hard work for myself and consequently those around me.

I am in no illusion that life will be glorious but I know that releasing the mountainous pressure I have heaped upon myself, with everybody’s help I might add, the uplift will have immediate results. Just coming to terms with the situation at work has already done it.

Why has it taken me so long?

I’ve been waiting for permission.

Permission from my wife, permission from my father and most of all, permission from myself. She has over the past week or so helped me come to the realisation that that is how it should be, my focus has all been wrong and I have all but died within myself. I don’t know who I am, why I here and struggle with what to do next – I am all but a shell, soul-less.

She has, probably, been trying to point out to me this was going to be the way I ended up if I didn’t do something about it for a long time and if I had heeded her counsel earlier things may indeed be different and we could maybe make a go of the rest of our lives together.

I couldn’t hear her cries over the overwhelming pressure I was under with what I thought was family duty. Nothing I did was what I wanted, it was just what I thought I should be doing. And she has acknowledged that her debating skills are no match which justifies her argument that we are not just ‘different’ but in fact we are ‘incompatible’. All we have been for all these years has been one big compromise, and it’s all been hers.

I say that in future I will redress that balance and support her but she said “You can’t support me in the way I want to be supported. Let me go away! Our goals are not the same, especially our short term goals: you want us to be together and I don’t.”

Well, I must say, there doesn’t seem to be much wrong with THOSE debating skills at all. I’m convinced – aren’t you? Well done love!

I’m still screaming for a bit of stability, if only for a short while to get the work situation sorted out. I don’t feel capable of handling all this upheaval at the same time. Yes I admit to want my hand holding a bit and possible a true friend to talk to and a shoulder to cry on.

We both agree that her allowing herself to be a ‘Kick Dog’ was destructive but maybe she thought it was a way of protecting our children from me. That is not the sort of shoulder to cry on that I want.

Her analysis of our relationship situation is probably correct, she has been right all along so far, but I still don’t get it all and that isn’t necessary, it would be too much to expect me to after such a short time coming to terms with her decision to want me away from her.

I do hanker for some time to establish a less chaotic environment and really do feel we owe it to ourselves to maximise our domestic asset within reason – at the moment I suspect it will be negative and again I know that creating the time and space away from work will allow me for the first time -sorry IT won’t allow me, it will be ME allowing myself. I WILL ALLOW MYSELF to work on the house, to improve it’s general well-being as a home for a short while until we can sort out a sale or other way of moving forward. This sounds sensible, though a bit dispassionate – there you go, I AM doing it differently!

______________________

I’m tired of my procrastination on this subject, I want to give it all up.

I keep getting feelings that I am so tired I want to give up on myself just like she is doing but that would mean death and I’m not ready yet, too chicken and would probably get it wrong anyway.

I will not give up on myself; I don’t like the way I have allowed myself to become, albeit for the right reasons; I am willing to do what is necessary to change and shift my focus.

I am very raw emotionally but realise that a lot of that is to do with my perceived need for approval from others. In order to move on, I need the assistance of someone and if I stop carrying on with my silliness the she may be willing to set me off in a good direction.

I accept that this will be my own journey and not just following hers, neither of us really want that.

We are in a unique position of having the opportunity to give each other a wonderful gift, the gift of being ourselves. I hope I can keep my head together for long enough so I don’t blow it but if this evenings conversation was anything to go by it’s going to continue to be a struggle.

______________________

She still hasn’t got back to me regarding ground rules for our conversations which was suggested in order to try and stop this sort of nonsense from happening.

Is it me just insisting we do it in the way I want to? Or is it her insisting we do it in the way she wants to? There we go, another blinding similarity!

All I care about is that we continue to help each other grow in a way which supports our children and give them a great example of unconditional love.

How’s that for an audacious goal?

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: