Lapses in reality…
I almost forgot for a moment what was happening in my life and the massive shift in my relationship status. (I wonder how she’ll feel when she changes it eventually on her facebook? I know how I would feel – it’s one of the reasons that’s keeping me of it)
Yes, I almost forgot. We’re getting on so fine at the moment and I’m doing and being so much more the person I want to be, coming from service, helping out, supporting without expectaion that I keep just blundering on in my merry unthinking was sometimes.
I’ve been driving her car recently, it’s a tip and I’ve worked my way through and cleared it all out, putting common stuff into bags and collecting all her papers and receipts in a couple of envelopes for her to sort thought at her leisure. I didn’t throw anything else but rubbish out and all her stuff is intact and easier for her to find. In my opinion this will make her life a bit easier.
I realised too late the inappropriateness of going through her stuff now that we are not ‘together’ any more and she did say it was unthinking of me but it’s done now. I said I was just doing what I thought needed doing and I suspected she wouldn’t be too pleased but did it anyway (I’m too honest for my own good sometimes) and I’d forgotten the reality of what was happening between us.
It has however encouraged her to try and get my own car sorted out a bit quicker though!
There was another moment this morning, I moved to give her a hug and a kiss and stopped myself just in time – oh I so wanted to, it was a celebration and were all having a moment of excitement as a family trying to get out of the house on time so the kids wouldn’t be late, it felt like a natural hug and kiss moment and then I remembered and felt desperately sad for a moment (or three).
Later, I’d texted her asking her to call me when it was convenient for her.
When she did, it was a few hours later and I’d been really busy running around, fixing work stuff, actually getting down to writing one of those bloody lists and whatever.
She called and asked what I wanted and in order to stall to give my brain time to remember I started to say “I just called to tell you that I love you.” I only got half of it out before I stopped myself and to say it stopped me from remembering what I wanted to talk to her about would be an understatement. Deep sadness returned fleetingly. I realised I couldn’t say that phrase any more.
I am accused and I agree that I don’t love myself, but what I do love about myself is that I am loving, affectionate and not afraid to admit to it and show it either to my kids, my wife, my mum and dad, my mother-in-law and friends.
I like being the kind of guy that does that, and I am – frequently. I’m not really doing it for anything in return, I just think they deserve to know. That’s one thing that I love about me.
Self to self: Well there’s a first time for everything kid, well done!