Posted by: funkydeez | February 9, 2009; 9:02 pm

Some moments of lightness – some moments of dimness

Excerpts from correspondence…

The few invited people who have read my blog have been so kind, all have given me succour without feeding my negativity or encouraging me to find fault. There is a common thread in their support to stop continuing to beat my self up and criticise myself and in truth the mechanism of my self analysis is just a symptom of deeper issues which I have not in the past been able to come to terms with because I have bought into a reality of my purpose in being here which isn’t being true to myself. I have constantly measured my success/failure by what I think other people think of me … er … this opening paragraph has ended up more complicated than I had intended – another symptom!

One of my readers contacted me and I felt it appropriate to clarify some things that are happening and the actual mechanism.

The extract is from a few days ago and some of my perceptions have modified since so it is not quite as contemporary as some of my other entries however, I had a reason to re-read it when the correspondent replied and thought it contained things that should actually be contained in this blog as a mark of progress and otherwise as a record.

Anyway, here goes (with only minimal editing)
__________________

I appreciate my writing is tricky to grasp, I sort of ‘talk-type’, for wont of a better description, and it just rambles and meanders along any which way reflecting my mood or feelings at any particular minute.

No wonder I feel so misunderstood, something that my counsellor pointed out during my session this morning. And no wonder ______  feels as if my intensity is overwhelming. At first, she told me the other day it was a particular attraction but now it feels overpowering and she is burned out with all this emotional support she have given me and my own frustration with the world and in particular me.

I am so cut up about her wanting us to diverge our paths and the next few sentences will maybe show you why as this is the sort of person she is and particularly demonstrates her generosity.

We are still together in our home, nobody has left (physically) yet and we have not come up with a solution yet. In fact, we have hardly discussed the practicalities about what our living circumstances are going to like over the next weeks, months etc.

Instead, our ‘chats’ have solely concentrated on:

  1. Getting my head around the situation. She hasn’t said, “I’m leaving you,” or “Here’s your bag – there’s the door – don’t worry about your key ‘cos I’ve changed the locks.” Far from it. All she has said is “Please let me go!”
  2. We are de-briefing and investigating our marriage/relationship, parental influences, previous relationships and attitude to future relationships.
  3. What we did, how we did it, congratulating each other on things that achieved great results and acknowledging the things we did which created situations we didn’t like.
  4. Because I am so resistant to our breaking up I keep dragging up reasons why we shouldn’t and consequently this provokes her into giving clarification and examples why we should. Not easy to take and Kleenex would be a good investment if you do shares – I can cry for England (and Greece).
  5. Her point of view is that I am not good for her and she can no longer give me the type of love she thinks i want (I disagree)
  6. This really plugs me in and I go into it in further depth on the blog. I have had many realisations over the past few days, psychologically in particular and have dissected my inner subconscious motivations at length – it has not brought up pleasant results which has fed into my low esteem and poor opinion of myself. At times I have felt quite desperate (and I mean desperate) and she is so very supportive without feeding me sympathy or any other rubbish like that. 😦
  7. Our conversations are not blaming, they are honest. We have agreed to tell each other how it is for ourselves. Many of the things may sound a bit brutal but we are going on a journey of enlightenment in a way.
  8. Crying. Mainly me but also her. We are dragging up issues that she has come to terms with and it is painful for both.
  9. There is quite an outrageous Universal/Divine Law mechanism going on here. My car broke down and she has been carting me around to work and back etc. which has given us the opportunity to talk at length for the first time in years.
  10. This makes it even harder for me to let go. We are being so honest with each other (the truth will set you free said some wise man in the past) and I have committed myself to return to a path of personal growth which we started together 18 years ago but I neglected to continue. She had started again a couple of years ago which has enabled her to reach the point she’s at now which I am so envious of.
  11. I keep reverting back to negative, doom and gloom thoughts. She continues to try and help me see it from a different perspective and lift my spirit up.
  12. She is also trying to replenish me with some ‘good stuff’ and I her, though she doesn’t really want or feel the need for it from me.
  13. We are interested in showing our children, and the world, I suppose how this can work, without recrimination and blame though I do find it difficult to cope with the hurt I have felt from her behaviour over the past couple of years which she has, in my opinion, knowingly allowed to feed my paranoia and use it against me. My hurting her lasted some 24 years in blind ignorance and she/we didn’t have the tools to deal with it sooner.

Oh I could go on, ______, but you can get the picture. It wouldn’t be so bad if she was being a cow or sleeping with someone else, then I could clearly have a bad guy to blame. The fact is, she doesn’t want to be with me any more. She feels as if every day further is one less to achieve her own goals and what she desires which may eventually be an intimately loving relationship with someone else. She feels she has done her bit and is not willing to do more. I have used this catalyst to start working on myself again, in a positive way (i.e. not working myself over) and she concedes that we can together create great results but she maintains that she will be happy to accept the results she gets without me by her side, physically and emotionally. She’s had enough of me ‘running my racket’ and that’s that.
__________________
This correspondent provokes me to some valuable realisations and here is another extract from a later reply:
[CONTEXT: I had invited her to ask herself some deep questions about her own experiences]
__________________
There are no right or wrong answers to these questions, you just have to be willing to accept the answers you get – if you’re NOT willing, then shift and do something about it or you will be being not true to yourself, and believe me, that is NOT a good place to be in, it feels shit, ruins your life, makes you and the people around you miserable.

The consequences for me over the past two weeks have been cataclysmic and it is taking some serious work on both out parts to get me to allow myself the possibility that this maybe the best for us. I’m really lucky that she is willing to spend the time talking with me and listening to all my nonsense. Likewise, I am lucky that I am myself willing to do some serious work to get my feet back on the ground and become the beautiful person I know I can be! No kidding!

My tiredness is taking over in more ways than one.

________________

It is being unfair picking on this particular correspondent because all have prompted deeper thinking and have helped me sustain a glimmering hope of happiness in the future, each has given me plenty of tthat ‘good stuff’ to fill myself up with. Each has made me laugh through my tears and each has gone many extra miles to support me without sentimentality of filling me with any delusional ideas that would ultimately do me harm.

They were all called upon at a time when I was feeling a desperate need, they have all responded in far greater ways than I’d ever imagined and given of themselves in a way which has led me to understand them in far greater depth that I had previously.

There have been some desperate moments for me and they have all restored not just a faith in myself when there was none but they have also restored and rekindled my faith in humanity, I feel so much more a part of IT all.

Time to stop before I REALLY start getting weird!

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