Resisting a shift…
As a bit of a cerebral person, I am very much guided by thoughts and feelings. It will not have escaped anybody’s notice reading this blog, if indeed there is anybody still left reading it, that I immerse myself ‘within’: my counsellor says I am ‘reflective’ which is an interesting word because it may not only have the meaning of going backwards or forwards but also that others see themselves in me as do I see myself in others. And this single analysis of that one word description is a prime example.
- lack of clarity,
- constant internal argumentative turmoil,
- lack of direction/goals,
- miserable outward persona
Positive consequences: Now you know this is hard for me and is part of my newest learnings and training over just this past couple of weeks: thinking of anything remotely positive about myself. Anyway, here goes … er … … … errr … …
- empathic to others feelings (?) who am I kidding? No, seriously I am if I give them a long enough chance to get them out!
- ability to see different and new points of view
- interesting to be with and talk to
- supportive – I’m on a role now
- willingness to learn
- intensive and genuine
- caring and loving
- dependable and trustworthy
- a great friend and companion
OK, I’ll stop there.
Now that was really tough at first but is a good example of the difficulty of the working on myself which lies ahead.
I keep coming across stumbling blocks and obstacles in all this, for instance the being clingy attached person with the letting go and allowing person. My balance and focus is very raw, naive and so new it’s like a child just learning to walk: there is a lot of falling over and tears combined with a readiness and eagerness to dust down and have another go.
Outwardly, it looks really tiring and is for those around who have put themselves in a supportive role, and inwardly it is too. As a 1 year old, the eagerness to learn overpowers any negative thoughts of giving up; at 46 years old, however, that terrain has been well trodden and there is the pull towards that uncomfortable comfort zone I wrote about yesterday.
These particular battles in learning are really tough and especially hard on her as she is going through her own learnings in my arena the longer she chooses to stick around. I can see why she says how I am such hard work and wants me out. I don’t let things come easily, without a fight or struggle, without a deep analysis, just so I can fit it in my head which yearns for explanation and understanding. I think she thinks that I should just get on with it and she’s probably right if she does.
The concept of ‘Just Do It’ has such an element of danger about it for me that I feel as if I am going against a deep rooted survival mechanism which has kept me ‘safe’ for so long.
Regardless of how I have the ability to see all points of view and accept them for what they are there still doesn’t seem to be much room left for any middle ground in order to allow myself to just ‘do it’ and allow others to do their ‘it’.
Now, recently, there are plenty of examples where this area has been challenged by my actions and I confess, somewhat reluctantly, that I have been enjoying myself more as a result. I also did this in the past what with doing parachute jumps etc, just for the sake of the experience of it and there again kicks in another of my justifications: it would have of course been foolhardy to jump out of the plane WITHOUT the parachute AND a back-up.
This analogy has life in it:
The JUMPING is the go for it process
The PARACHUTE element represents the training and learning and putting those learning into ACTION to make the process work.
Neither is of any use whatsoever without the other – jumping without the parachute is almost certainly terminal and learning to do it without any of the jumping bit is a waste of time and not completing the process.
As a ‘cerebral’ person I can see how come I know so much but have done very little because having a knowledge of something without practising or putting it into action has an element of safety about it in that my knowledge is not actually being tested. As one who professes to have a yearning for learning this is totally counteractive as it is only through experimenting, practising and putting learnings into actions that those learnings are enhanced, developed – there lies GROWTH and EXPERTISE, whereas just logging it in there and being cerebral without practise and action lays STAGNATION and AMATEURISM.
The phrase ‘TALKING BOLLOCKS’ springs to mind … and I seem to do a lot of that.
This section has really drifted off purpose.
I was trying to highlight the can’t do right for doing wrong bit I’m struggling with:
Last night it was a mutual friend’s birthday celebration she mentioned joining in with an open option for going out to town later and I said, “Go on, get yourself out, I don’t fancy going to town but still want to say ‘Hi!'”
She seemed up for it at first and as it got late, traumatic stuff happened at work which she dealt with really well (it’s a good job I didn’t make that call) and time started to press. By the time it got to going out she was in a bit of a foul one.
This was really interesting. I get into such a state myself so often and easily, I’d never noticed it in her before. I tried to be gentle and encourage her to talk about it to see if I might be able to help her switch back but she didn’t seem that willing so I dropped that tack. She of course might disagree there, but hey, I am still practising and certainly ain’t no expert yet.
We got out and some of her other friends who I don’t usually get to see were also there, she immediately picked up and introduced my by name, seemingly out of courtesy and then turned away without much of a glance or another word.
Part of my new learning is to just NOTICE and BE ATTENTIVE to my thoughts without actually giving them any time or consent by trying to stop them or analyse them – this is very new to me and a great challenge. On that occasion I was attentive to the thought that she was just doing something because she thought she had to but didn’t really mean it. Well that was the thought anyway and I paid it no further heed – honest, I just noticed it. Doing my friendly process I shared a few words during the course of the evening but nothing meaningfull. They were very bonded together all themselves feeling out of place and I didn’t at all feel particularly offended or shut out but again I noticed a lurking thought that I was being and could have picked it up but didn’t.
I did however feel a bit in the way but didn’t want step out and be alone or separate in the way I used to handle similar situations, so I hung on in there and was really pleased when she said she way taking the main body of celebrators down to town. I had already offered to take the car keys so she could drink but she had said. “When you’re in a mood like this, it’s not the time for drinking. What’s the point of wasting that money?”
I really wasn’t getting it but again let go and didn’t pick it up.
When she arrived back late at night, we did talk and she said that she was plugged in by me giving her ‘permission’ to go out.
Now, just being attentive went out of the window and I ran with this one feeling badly done to and all the rest of it, “I only wanted you to give yourself the opportunity to go out and have a good time! I was just trying to show you that I was OK about it and I wasn’t going to go all funny about it. There are all sorts of reasons for you to go out and was trying to let you know that I wasn’t a barrier or needing of you to behave in a certain way to help me feel comfortable.”
Thinking back, I must’ve have mentioned it too many times which again made her feel oppressed and as I was again wanting to be in control, wanting things done my way, coming from an ‘it’s OK with me because it’s OK with me’ place rather than what she herself wanted.
You see, I AM trying really hard, REALLY hard and I’m still so very new to this and it gets so frustrating and disenchanting when I just cause such heartache not just in her but also primarily myself.
I’m getting really tired of this and keep feeling ‘Oh bollocks’ and just give in to my old ways because that is what really is being expected.
Oh shit … here I go again …
… This is ‘live’, folks.
OK. Just practising … just remembering and reminding myself where I’ve come from.
That’s one of the problems though isn’t it, in my quest to be honest here, not just with those reading this but primarily myself, I have decided to show it AS IT IS rather than what I think looks good or write what I think how I should be thinking.
This inherently regurgitates stuff which I am also practising just to be attentive of. A tricky path fraught with plenty of rocks to trip over, and I just did!
Honesty: Is it kind? Is it appropriate? Is it necessary?
I have had some yearning issues, ‘fantasies’ if you will and the detail is, I have decided, inappropriate and not necessary.
I have logged it here and will only go on to write that it creates very distracting feelings within me, visually and mentally and is a massive obstacle in me letting go of myself.
I cannot deny my feelings of base attraction, which I believe leads on to a much higher level of interpersonal giving, taking and sharing both spiritually and physically, and am really struggling with this rather obvious emanation of my ego.
Can I laugh at it’s playfulness? Well, err … not yet, but …, well THAT was a beginning and if so, then why do I keep reverting to it and allowing it to resurface giving it control so easily?
Maybe that’s what it is and the sort of thing it gets up to in order to maintain it’s own survival and justifications; trying to continually encourage to make me feel wanted, desired and safe and build up an ILLUSION of self esteem rather than a REAL KNOWING of my own self-esteem built upon my capabilities and qualities rather than in opposition to my inadequacies and low self opinion.
It isn’t happening anywhere near as regularly but it still does happen and causes such deep, deep pain and sadness at my unfulfilment.
Well, you can take that last word however the meaning comes across to you if you wish, it wasn’t meant to be a ‘Carry On’ moment but isn’t our multilevel language wonderful?