“… You are only coming through in waves,
Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying
When I was a child, I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone,
I can not put my finger on it,
Now the child is grown
The dream is gone
I, have become, ‘un’comfortably numb”
How desperately true: fleeting glimpse then the dream was gone.
There was a moment … there were moments when the dream was real and I just let it slip through because of? Oh I don’t know.
One of the troubles with this ‘being attentive’ lark is that whilst noticing my emotional attachments to thoughts and not picking them up it just seems to leave more opportunities for such thoughts to goad and tempt me into negativity: it’s like a feedback mechanism in that more begets more and it’s geting really frustrating.
I stepped out in the middle of a couple of conversations with her today as stuff kept peeking in and I noticed I started to run with the thoughts so I interrupted myself and moved away – I would have previously in our recent conversations said something which would initiate a spiralling effect from both of us.
After the second time, I realised it was the bare reality of our relationship breaking down and our impending separation that was the trigger and I am preferring not to even look at it from a distance, I just don’t WANT is to happen no matter how much I accept that it is going to. Talking about it at the moment seems like too much piling on emotional turmoil with all the business collapse happening at the same time and both of us being without gainful employment.
I pointed this out and suggested that we wait till the chaos recedes before we revisit this nugget of personal growth ‘joy’ which lauds such realisations of being in a ‘wrong’ relationship regardless of how long and dumping it rather than doing the necessary work to shift it into something that does work.
I appreciate that sometimes there are circumstances when things are un-reconsilable, when people just don’t get on but I don’t get that same feeling with our relationship.
Maybe she is not telling me something in order to be kind and try and lessen my pain.
A friend of mine pointed out the when she’s ‘free’ plenty of people will ‘hit’ on her and it will be her choice how to respond she will be able to choose whoever she likes and not just who but also the when; whereas I will NOT have similar options. (Did he just say I’m ugly and unattractive? Mmm, that’s interesting … not picking it up though … quite funny really … moving on)
So is my inertia just plain ego driven jealousy or ego driven fear of being alone?
Whatever it is, there is a common denominator … anyone spot it? Yup … ‘ego’! It’s been running rampant!
It is NOT serving my purpose to take it on at the moment, it is much better and fun when I treat it like just a noticed object or event like I would do if I spotted a couple of crows chasing each other whilst driving in one’s car: interesting, active and beautiful in a way but not worth pursuing.
I still can’t, in my business, think why I’m so desperately clinging on for dear life and wanting to keep on in our unit despite it’s freezing cold; and in parallel I can’t understand why I would want to stay in a relationship where all I get is cold.
Maybe I could put some heating in!