I sent her a Valentine … “I knew you would,” she said…
The card I sent combined last year’s effort faint in the background with a poem called The Journey, by Mary Oliver.
I struggled with the words and concept not just how it related to her but also to me and myself. I realised that I was the one I had to leave, I was asking myself to mend my life but not in an active way, in a pleading way. I recognised how I was sucking my own energies from myself and those around me, depleting them of any remaining support and slowly grinding them down to dust.
I recognised that I must now take the stand in my own life and save the only one I can.
Instead of simply encouraging her to go and leave me it is encouraging her to grow, and that which I wish for others, immediately becomes true for myself.
As Rolf Harris would say, “Can you see what it is yet?”
Well no, not quite, but I am getting there.
This is amazing stuff I’m allowing myself to be presented with.
- The background card was necessary I sad, because it’s the background which gives the poem in the foreground context. It was also just a blunt Valentine’s wish too I admit but here I must he honest with myself and others.
- I do not want our loving, intimate relationship as man and wife to end
- However, I don’t want it to be how it was
- I want it to be how it can be
- I realise that there is no surety that this can possibly happen because we have for so long been out of alignment and many things have happened between us which has poisoned our view of each other. In particular her view of me and my view of my self.
- The process will take Time and Space and cannot be forced which is the way I would have tried to do anything in the past.
- If anything, it must be ALLOWED.
- ALL things in my life must now be ‘allowed; and ‘nurtured’.
I accept that our futures may not be as together as I have wanted because she may also not be willing to make shifts in her growth too. Her wish for a ‘easier life’ is almost disconcerting but I understand that ‘easier life’ has more than one meaning.
The interpretation I am taking is that she feels everything should not be SUCH A STRUGGLE, and she’s right! I make a struggle out of everything: from writing a blog, to washing up, to going out for an evening! I make everything tough!
When I eventually, after a long weekend and evening’s procrastinating to with this section it isn’t such a struggle after all!
It’s tough on my emotions, yes but it isn’t a struggle.
Along with her card, I bought her a Valentine’s gift of the same book she gave to me last week, called Soul Lessons and Soul Purpose by Sonia Choquette. It is truly a remarkable book and she was being so giving considering that she hadn’t finished with it herself. I also gave he a bound notebook for her to use maybe as a log of her own journey.
I more or less copied the inscription she had written on my copy
Nobody should be alone on Valentine’s Night … but I was
I had the excuse of having do complete some final work before I did a midnight flit. In truth, this was indeed something I could not put off.
I avoided doing the socialising and facing questions from friends as to where she was and why we were so obviously not together on such an evening, missing out seeing one of our favourite bands.
I was doing a very late night at work – my last,and she was out with some of her new friends.
I came home about 3am.
She wasn’t home.
Now I must stop here, because the last time I endured such a separation was on New Year Eve and my reactions were not at all good and drove me quite a bit looney.
My responses and GENUINE feelings this time were markedly different.
I went to sleep with no expectations of her jumping into bed, I accepted that she was going to be out all night.
On the way home I was pondering about the cute things I love about her and noticed how warm those thoughts made me feel instead of desperate and angry. I even dared fantasise about our making love, for the first time in a long while as the thought has recently brought up some serious pain. Ahem! Don’t get me wrong here, this was very much just musing as I was driving home not anything onanistic at all. I was thinking about the expressions she has when she’s talking with people, about her dancing as if no-one was watching and the little twitch of her nose and glint in her eye when she has given me a cheeky loving look.
Hey what a drive home that was 🙂
8:30 am, she came home.
I had no anger andwe sat down for a chat.
I said, “That’s interesting, I’ve all of a sudden loads of thoughts to notice and not pick up.”
“I bet you have.” She replied
“I BET YOU THINK I HAVE!” I thought.
“It’s one thing noticing the thoughts and potential feeling and emotions that could set me off on one and actually doing so. I feel totally different.” I said.
Now here, I must reiterate that I am being totally genuine and honest here. This blog is a log of how I truthfully feel and experience. It is not a piece to make me look good, or bad for that matter. I do not write down here what I think I should be thinking or saying, I write down how it actually is. Sometimes it’s ‘cool’ and sometimes it’s downright crude.
This is a Journal of a Journey, not a self-help book of how I think it should be done, approached or how I should be reacting, saying or thinking. I am not trying to impress in any other way than being honest and having integrity and congruity with myself which in turn brings in any readers out there. I expect no specific results to come about, I am just allowing whatecver happens to happen andnoticing my thoughts and recording my actions.
It is not comfortable, it is at time downright painful and I often feel I have been inappropriate to those that know me, in particular my wife but this is as it is.
I DO feel different.
I have desribed it as DYING and taking the opportunity to cheat death and start a new phase of my life, ‘re-born’ if you must; and everybody knows that giving birth is painful for ALL parties, such is the preciousness of life itself.
I AM NOW TAKING A STAND WITH MY LIFE, whereas I so very nearly didn’t during some dark moments recently, I kid you not – everything has not been written.
We chatted a bit around the houses about our respective feelings without treading too deep. She recognised that my veil was a bit thin and she was being sweet and kind.
My Valentine’s Card:
The inscription read:
Many years ago you were in Greece and I was here
There was a meteor shower that we both knew about and we arranged to be outside at the same time.
You were there – I was here and we shared our view of the same stars.
There was an awesome connection.
Soon we will again take a moment to share looking at the same stars as each other after they have burned their way through the sheets of my own clouds and we will again feel an awesome connection.
Wherever we are and however far apart.