from 16th February 2009
I can’t begin to tell you how tired I am… Oh go on then!
‘Bring It On!’ it has done and the days have continued to be melded as they have been doing for the past three weeks.
This has now gone a bit out of sync as I’m writing deep into Tuesday morning about Monday, and will follow with posts covering the week-end.
Friday was a big day as I had decided to bust my Company.
It has been a source of unhappiness now for many years and nearly all our disquiet in our relationship seems to stem from what has been happening there, how it affected my temperament and behaviour and how all this affected her and the rest of the family.
IOK, this is a bit clichéd but I was trying to live the dream and it turned into a nightmare!
Truth is, I was so busy, if not at actual work but also busy worrying myself about it that I totally lost sight of the purpose and what was happening around me as a result.
It has totally ruined my life in a way that nothing else could. It came under the auspices of self will, I thought I was doing it because I wanted to help my family and it’s well-being but all they saw was my ‘DIS’ about it and it has eventually ground them and me down.
So much so that my wife wants us to split up and go our separate ways.
Isn’t it bad enough that we have both put in so much effort in time, resources and emotion and received very little by way of financial compensation:
- our house is on the line;
- we are deep in credit card debt to the tune of 30K;
- haven’t had a holiday as a family or together as a couple in years;
- can’t afford to renew anything in the house;
- the company itself is about 30K+ insolvent
- as individuals we scrounge spare cash from our parents and even children’s paper round money;
It has also contributed to our spiritual well-being:
- our self-worth as business people and decision makers has taken a severe battering
- our goals and dreams together are shattered
- there have been times when we stand to be in each other’s company
- many things that should have been said have been left unsaid or avoided
- our focus as a family has become distorted
- our personal esteem has reached chaos stage
- we have as individuals both reached unspeakable depths yet not been there for each other in a supportive role
- we have become totally selfish
OK, less of the negatives!
- We have learned HOW NOT TO DO IT. Full stop!
Anyway, the decision made I went back in to work on Saturday lunchtime to finish off some individual print jobs that would create some fluid cash as opposed to doing the Sisyphus rock rolling process I had been doing for five and a half years. Predictably,not all things went to plan and time passed.
I panicked a bit at one stage when I saw the enormity of the task and gave her a call asking her to come over and help. She agreed but didn’t want to stay too late as she wanted to go out in the evening.
I, on the other hand stayed until 2:30 next day, eschewing the glorious opportunities for potential love and affection of the Lover’s Evening. I deal with this on another post.
By the end of the session, all the print jobs I could do were completed and I disconnected my computer from my machinery and brought it home with lots of other stuff in boxes.
A small handful of hour’s sleep brought took me back to work again. Using a ‘Man With A Van’ to help move some big stuff to go with the loads of small stuff that was already in the small room. It was so difficult deciding what to take and leave.
Still, she helped out too and as a team we all managed to make a massive dent in the work.
I went back to do the final cutting and packaging of smaller effects and she followed later.
The short time was as usual under-estimated (this has always been more of an issue for her than me and I will have to look at it again sometime) and instead of doing our usual Sunday socialising we didn’t finish till about 11pm
As one of our final acts at the Unit, we shared a bottle of bitter lager which neither of us wanted. It tasted pretty foul and seemed indicative of our time there – how apt.
Again, an early start on the Monday and the final removal team was conjured up. I felt as if I didn’t belong there any more, said some good byes to some neighbours and dodged the site manager.
A fit of total unconsciousness made me not just post the Unit keys through the letter box but I forgot to detatch them from the car keys.
Now I still don’t understand how I did it but I do understand the why.
Throughout this week-end of upheaval in by business life has been the undercurrent of mixed emotions I have been merrily batting back if they are negative and welcoming if they are positive, the pressure however accumulates and showed itself with that total lack on unconsciousness.
My last business act of the week-end (baring in mind it was now Monday evening) was to deliver the appointment papers to the Liquidator’s offices.
Later, I went to see my parents to tell them what I had done and was heartened to see that they were content with the knowledge that I had finally chosen to move on from what was obviously causing me so much unhappiness.
I expected more disappointment.
I thought I was doing it for them and now was giving up the chance to support them in their old age.
I thought my kids and wife would be devastated.
I thought I would be too.
None of the above.
Everybody was happy that the deed was finally done and everybody seems content that I am going to take a few moments to take stock and start the rest of my life afresh.
What was I thinking of for ALL THOSE YEARS?
See what it has cost:
- my wealth
- my health
- my relationship with my wife
- almost my life
How could I be so blind and mistaken? Why? Was it to learn a lesson or was it just because I’m a stupid fool.
The ease and readiness for everybody to accept this decision has totally bollocksed my head and makes a mockery of all the efforts i put in to trying in vain to make it a success.
Negative thoughts? You’d better believe it buddy.
After handling the week-end with such a level head I’m reverting back into despair again
But wait! Was that a glimmer of self-awareness and true consciousness creeping in?
This is how the mechanism unfolded.
I went out and bought some glasses so we could all toast the future together with a bottle of Cava when I got home; me, her and the twins.
Something went slightly off plan during a lighter moment of conversation and I immediately said something a bit sarcastic, a technique missing from my armoury over the past three weeks (It is three weeks to the day since all this started with her telling me she wanted us to go separate ways), and I noticed it straight away but too late before it came out of my mouth.
I had up till then been doing fantastic.
Anyway, we did our toasting and drinking and things didn’t go too bad. Then I started to feel cold and resistant to doing the washing up I’d decided to do.I’d delayed it from earlier in the evening after allowing myself to get sidetracked into doing some shopping and didn’t attack it immediately I got home, again using an excuse to do our drinking together before she went off upstairs to bed.
Later, again I avoided it andby now it was getting a bit mountainous. I started it off and broke off to try and set up the computer email system which hadn’t worked since i brought it home. I went back to complete the washing up – I was SO RESISTENT, what was going on?
I felt cold again, one of the boys said it’s more tiredness than cold (how did he know?) and I struggled back in, by this time to an over-full sink of cold water.
I battled on through thinking I could leave it till the morning and started to realise that I was indeed feeling ssssooooo tired I just wanted to flop down and sleep.
I started to realise that this was my unconscious, auto-pilot self creeping back in! Oh how insidious! How easily I slipped:
- the sarcasm;
- the tetchiness towards my boy’s behaviou;
- my irkedness at a couple of her comments;
- my wanting to put off small jobs;
- justifying this behaviour as just breaking a bit with all the extreme stress I’ve been under for all those years and particularly over the last three weeks
- feeling sorry for myself
- beating myself up for screwing everything in my life up
- my procrastination over the work I’ve chosen to do like my washing up and keeping up to date with tis blog – “Tomorrow will be fine”
NO IT WON’T YOU FOOL
NOW IS THE TIME!
I smiled to myself broadly, I had almost given in. I thought the job was over and it is only just the start
All I have done is create a more conducive environment to progress my working on my self. It is not finished – it has barely started and there was I congratulating myself on a job well done, probably the most important job I’ve done and forgot to recognise that this is only the first step and though it is a mighty one it is still only a small one in comparison to the days, weeks, months and years ahead as long as I keep with it.
There is nothing wrong with such a slip in my consciousness, in fact it was almost welcome so I could notice the difference.
Look, it is now gone 3 o’clock and I’ve gone through the tiredness barrier, laughed at it’s playfulness and am playing a different game back.
Nobody is keeping score, it’s just a game.
I’m not winning – I’m not losing – I’m just playing – and it’s FUN!
Transforming and keeping this sense of fun and willingness to be gentle with myself during the next stage of our separation is going to be … err … interesting!
Just losing and giving up business was easy once I’d got down to it, I suppose this next bit can be just as easy if I allow myself to accept the similarities in circumstances and prospects for success.