This is not getting any easier…
It has now been as many days since our initial chat as it has been years from our initial chat.
It’s getting close now, the acceptance is slowly coming, the tiredness taking over. I don’t like it, it’s not my choice but it is happening, so tough.
Again, I’m having another sleepless night, mostly filled up with trying to scavenge some work from my failed business but in truth just avoiding coming to do some more writing.
It has been so tough this week: the realisations and revelations have been cascading from a torrent to a waterfall and now it is just deafening.
I’m being tested from all sides.
The caged and wounded animal (my ego no doubt) is lashing around in it’s final throws just clambering for a sense of self preservation.
The lower self keeps resurging and I hate myself for it.
My higher self comes through and I love myself for it.
Holding that second one is … is … aaaaarrrrrggggghhh it’s gone again.
This over analysis is doing my head in but I need it to move on, the realisations of my the way I have done my conscious life so far has allowed me to look inside to take a glimpse of the real ‘Me’.
The Me that doesn’t always keep a look out for what’s happenong and what people are thinking about what I’m doing.
I have had such an elevated attitude of self importance without the feeling of self worth.
My mind and life is full of contradictions and paradoxes. it is all INCONGRUENT no wonder I’m in such a state most of the time.
I keep crying uncontrollably and then feeling elated and worthy during our conversations, it really is very strange but maybe to be expected. My part of this process of our breaking up has happened over such a short time whereas she has pondered it for years.
I am full of shame and regret that I just took her for granted that she wouldn’t break our solemn vow that we took together.
This week has been one of extremes where at one moment I feel great, and accepting about what is happening to thoughts that one way to keep our vow whole the till death do us part thoughts kick in. Lucid thoughts of how, justifications of why and visions of the aftermath made me take out the samaritans number, but I didn’t call – I just sat for a while, not meditating, just feeling so very numb, helpless, desperate, worthless and so, so lonely.
Every scene just sets me off, looking at one of the kids, thinking about my love and how it is all over. I’m not tender – I’m raw.
The inner, and sometimes outer, screaming is getting more and more intense as ‘IT’ realises it is all a losing battle and can’t cope with the consequences. A cornered enemy fights it’s hardest just before the end, and boy is it putting up a battle.
Conversely, my learnings are phenomenal. Working on my inner spirit IS getting somewhere, even my meditation hasn’t been so chaotic.
I’m keeping my agreements and pushing harder to challenge my pre-ordered way of thinking. A recent chat highlighted a very uncomfortable area which has since created a greater understanding of my self.
I said, “I was always there if you wanted to come for comfort or a shoulder, I wanted to be the one you could use.”
“Why would anybody go towards someone that kept telling the that they’re STUPID? Why would they?” was her tearful answer.
Now just think about that for a moment … … …
… … …
NONE OF IT WAS HERS
It was all me … directed at me … through her.
Just like my intense feelings of love towards her attempting to have it returned because I couldn’t find anything about myself worthy of loving.
It was all my own opinion of myself. I didn’t mean it to be directed at her at all … it was just a symptom of my illness which is only recently being attended to and a symptom of my blinkered sense of duty to all things outside my own control – I was trying to MEND everything at the expense of trying to save the only thing I could (ref: The Journey poem)
Whilst things were relatively comfortable or manageable she maintained at least some sense of faith and optimism about my capabilities but as that side started to flounder into chaos, the debts became uncontrollable it contributed a sense of urgency to move on,get out and take control of her own destiny because I was basically a bad job and there’s no point investing time, money or love in a dead donkey.
Low self opinion? No, just stating a fact. Man the lifeboat time, I didn’t understand it at the time but she once looked into my spirit and said “You die”, I looked into hers and said “You live”. I thought it was a game at the time and didn’t give it much thought – well it’s no fucking game anymore and I should have thought more about it instead of just allowing my ego to run wild. What a fool.
She kept the faith for years and eventually, the constant self battery I gave myself both directly and through her eventually convinced her and she has given up, and I don’t blame her.
I was relentless.
Unending in my self depracation.
Tenacious, if you will.
I gave it to myself FAR WORSE THAN I GAVE IT TO HER.
“I don’t think you’re stupid, and never did. People have different skills and you didn’t have some of the ones that I found easy. I didn’t think you were stupid but the frustration came out so easily because on the stress I have been under all my conscious life. I didn’t mean it. IT WASN’T ME BEING THE TRUE ME, IT WAS A SYMPTOM, of conditioning, of stress, of my illness.”
“You’re probably right,” she said, “But it didn’t lessen the impact.”
So true., it didn’t lessen the impact.
I didn’t really mean to hurt myself so much, there has always been reasons and excuses but none of it has lessened the impact of it’s effects on ME either. The impact has been relentless and catastrophic.
Such damaged GOODS – there is nothing left in that body but damaged BADS.