Not being able to find the words …
Here by way of demonstration is an extract from one of my blog correspondents:
– How are you doing matey. All very quiet this week??
– Struggling a bit.
Thinking too much
Wishing too much
Living in a flippin fantasy land
I could go on
I’ve got my creditors meeting tomororw, I feel like I’m going round the bend and my wife wants to leave me because I’m no further use to her and a hinderance to her well being.
I know how she feels
– Why have you perfected the art of making me laugh when you are feeling so low ?? That is along the same lines as you wanting to leave yourself !!!!
Keep the positive thoughts going mate (or at least get them going again !!) and good luck with your creditors tomorrow …
Not showing much sign of progress or change there, are we?
I want to be open and honest in this journal and this last week I have struggled to find the words and set aside time to express the colossal realisations I still keep having minute by minute. So varied and far reaching.
I said, “I keep getting echoes.”
She said, “Notice that they are getting less frequent and less intese.”
“They are getting MORE intense, it’s the cornered, wounded animal theory as they lash out in ever more unpredictable directions with such ferocity.”
Many of our, now less frequent, ‘chats’ still have an portion when I show how I have gained a further understanding of how she must have been feeling during much of our relationship previous to a month ago. These moment are usually very intensely emotional for me and I still continue to let that emotion show at the real risk of taking away energy, but it just seems REAL to do so, HONEST to do so and if nothing else does show her and myself of the depth of understanding I have been coming too.
I have also come to realise that however she was feeling about me, I WAS ALSO FEELING THE SAME WAY ABOUT ME TOO, and often worse because that’s how I continued to do it.
As I have written before, the treatment I dished out to others was amplified when it came to dishing it out to myself. But also as said before THAT DOESN’T LESSEN THE IMPACT – on either of us.
She has over the recent past come to terms with it and has come to a conclusion as to how she wants to do the rest of her life (without me).
I, on the other hand, have only just been enlightened to the way I was doing it and during that time the feelings I got manifested themselves in both physical and mental ill-health with no sense of purpose or anything.
I must have been hell to be near me whilst this was going on, and it was hell for me too, though I didn’t know why – I do now and have this immense feeling of regret and guilt that I could have treated the people I cared for most in my life in that way: to see me slowly deteriorate in a mass of self loathing. I also have that same sense of regret and guilt to myself too.
I have resolved to make it up and shift. She isn’t prepared to wait for that eventuality but in a way, I am lucky: I have to stick with myself and I will continue to grow and become the sort of person I have always wanted to be but not allowed to be by both myself and the people I cared for around me, including her. I refuse to give up on myself, thought I do have my ‘dark’ moments when I consider otherwise.
Yes. I too want to leave that person, but I have realised that the real lesson and my real purpose, for me at least, is not to leave but to stick with it … stick with me … the real me … the me that I know I am: use the experience, use the learning, LIVE the experience and LIVE the learning, and apply my creative energies to make that shift and that way I won’t have to come back and have to go through it all again – my spirit and soul will move on to further lessons.
Boy, does this feel good! I’d so quickly forgotten the benefit of this blog.
I have had so much ‘stuff’ going on this last week.
Over the next few entries, I will be writing shorter pieces so that I can review them for subject matter easier. They might even be easier to read too.