… and Putting Out the Fire With Gasoline
I really don’t know where to start with this one cos it’s a bit of a toughie … so I might as well start at the beginning.
When I first met her she had a boyfriend on the verge if not already splitting up. They’d recently been on holiday but during that time she’d decided that it wasn’t for her anymore and had decided to end it even though it was pretty clear he didn’t want to.
After our first night or two together, she said it was only proper to come clean with him and finish with him properly, face to face but thought it might also be a good idea to spend another night with him, I suppose that date might have been pre-arranged though I didn’t ask.
At the time I remember saying that she should do what she felt was for the best but I also started to muse the David Bowie track which featured the line “Putting out the fire with gasoline…” and explained that if he was hurting, sleeping with him once more and then dumping him would possibly hurt more.
Moving on in time, we find ourselves in a similar position, don’t we!
She has taken to selectively not answering my calls or responding to my texts and has explained that she’s decided to do it differently.
It is clear that she is actively discouraging our further contacts which is really tough on me but cruel to be kind springs to mind because she is, again, probably right. I/we must get used to the emotional detachment, probably sooner rather than later and keeping me hanging on with the niceties of a loving relationship is possibly just putting out the fire with gasoline! We will of course have to communicate regularly, we still have financial commitments, share a house and are both active parents but these contacts I appreciate will start to be on a more ‘professional’ basis.
This is, I feel, possibly my greatest most noticeable loss: the loss of my friend who I just called and texted to say “I Love You” or “Good Morning” or just a plain “Hi!” or even give a running commentary on what was happening. We didn’t really spend much time together but we did chat alot and I will so very much miss it, and am doing already.
The sense of loss and loneliness is really so strong. My best ever friend; my trusted confident; my link to the real world outside my tormented mind.
What am I going to do?
She is strong, and it’s one of the things I so admire her for. I am actively trying to create some of that strength in me and indeed she is helping me with my meditation and re-discovering my inner spirit, and it IS working!
But … there are still many moments, when … well … you know it’s beyond feeling sorry for myself. It’s like a bereavement, only worse. When someone dies, you can communicate with them in many different ways, but this is like call barring! The rejection … the silence … the waiting to be heard … the hanging on till the message service kicks in … and then the monotonic response if there ever is one.
More pain being endured here folks. I’ll come back round soon … I know I will. But to lose such a friend … …
everest … quick … EVEREST!