Simple really if I just take out a little time to myself…
She has been helping me with my desire to re-connect with the things that I’ve put down for so many years. I know that a lot of my actions over the years have not been ‘Me’. I accept that it was ‘Me’ that did everything, thought everything and reacted in that way causing an unacceptable amount of damage.
I have over the years told myself I was not worthy of anything, including her company, any good luck seemed to come by accident and I was always so entrapped with my own lack of belief in myself that I ignored any opportunity to pick anything up and grow.
I see this as a result of a misconceived idea of what I was doing it for and why.
The work side of my life had taken over – the stress the fear of impending doom coupled with moments of delightful optimism and reasoning just kept breathing life into it and was the only thing I thought that was keeping me going.
In truth it was her continuing support and my clinging on to unrealistic grains of hope – the downturn has helped bring a bit of reality home and her telling me she wanted to end our relationship finally helped me kill it off, and good riddance!
She said she’d bought into it, my idea that it could succeed and she says she had faith that it would be able to be turned round. So did I, but ‘buying in’ to something presumes someone was trying to ‘sell’ something. I suppose I was – I had to have a reason to turn up and in doing so totally lost the bigger picture and totally lost my opportunity to grow with her in a way I see could have been had I listened and taken a leap or two.
Basically, if I’d listened, not just to her, but to me … my self … the self within me.
I never thought it was appropriate to think of my self or what it really wanted.
There was a time when I just ‘WAS’ but that wasn’t too clever either because it was so directionless.
What is left is a need, a desire to find further purpose and uncovering my inner self (soul or whatever) is part of that most necessary journey.
There have been glimpses but I find it very difficult just to sit quietly.
She has introduced me to Grounding of my Physical Body. It is a short meditation technique which I have since done a couple of times.
It’s great how I am noticing how I think whether I am doing well or not,; am I doing this right?; how should I be feeling.
All this self feedback analytical point scoring underpins how I always seem to do things. I’m always asking “How am I doing?”
My blog title refers to it!
After one session, I told her I was feeling a bit down, sort of sad but not in a way I have felt before. Not depressed just … “More present?” she said, That’s what being grounded feels like. You are not sticking yourself in your worries of the future, sadness of the past or other stuff like that. You just are … being!”
Mmm. It does feel strange … and a rare feeling.
I said,”I always thought that my not over-reacting to events and situations was me being grounded. People do remark that they think I am even though they also say I’m a bit of an ‘air head’ in that some of my ideas, thoughts and sayings come from odd directions.”
She said, “That’s just your emotions. Suppressing them takes away your own guidance mechanism: your compass. If you don’t know how you are feeling and how strongly what chance is there of knowing which direction to take?”
“Err … I don’t! I just thought I was doing whatever I was doing because I thought it was the right thing to do because it was being expected of me.”
Ultimately in any discussion with her or my parents over the past years has always come down to needing money to pay for things not what I wanted to do or how I was feeling about doing it and certainly also not about what SHE wanted to do and how SHE was feeling about what she was doing at the time.
Seems like a missed opportunity there if only we’d noticed. If only I’D NOTICED and listened and didn’t unerringly keep on with the relentless “It’ll be OK if ‘this‘ happens” mantra.
If only I’d reconnected with my inner self again.
What is it like?
Well, I still don’t know. I’m working on it as well as all the other things like trying to be financially productive; trying to come to terms with what seems to be my inevitable marriage breakdown; coming to terms with knowledge of how I have deteriorated over the years and brought my family into my own lack of self belief, lack of self-esteem and lack of love.
Is my inner self taking last place again?
Not if I can help it matey. I’m not letting go of that – it’s worth fighting for. ‘Me’ is worth fighting for.
OK OK OK don’t forget the ‘Gentle’ now will you!
`What is that ‘me’? That inner self?
He’s quite playful really. Loving and affectionate, kind and thoughtful.
Also it is gentle which has allowed it to be so easily suppressed by a brash egotistical vein which has in itself been allowed to be manipulated by those around me (unconsciously I would imagine) which has left me totally lost.
With each meditation session I feel stronger and more in tune but I do keep forgetting to engage in this process which is bringing immediate benefits to how I view my situation and handle my thoughts and emotions.
Ho hum. More work required mister.
I’m going to seize the moment and have another go now! Sod work!!
[hour out listening to music and being with my son]
The key component?
Well, I still don’t know what in truth I do want. If I did know, I have forgotten. I never wanted anything for myself I don’t think, not ‘things’ anyway but one of the biggest aspects missing is any clear goals
How can I get anywhere if I’m just aimlessly wandering about.
I suppose I’m happiest not having to decide which direction to go in, I’m quite happy to follow – is there anything wrong in that? Well yes, if I haven’t got the presence of mind to know when what I am following is wrong like I have been doing for the last goodness knows how many years and even when the signs were really bad and the love of my life almost pleaded with me I STILL DIDN’T FUCKING SEE.
Oh, sorry for the swearing. There are still some thought patterns I get into in which I have not obviously come to terms with my sadness.
I need to get down to who I am, what my self is asking to be and use my skills to deliver. I know I can and the more I distract myself away by doing work the more elusive it gets but I need to live and feed my family.
Get grounded, pethia (child in greek) … be gentle … take your time … . let it flow through you … give it grace … be who you are and not what you think other people want you to be and love who you are … be gentle Demetri, be gentle .. ask for strength … ask for help … you are not as alone as you think you are, your never were and you never will be … your sadness is just your thoughts hurting … be gentle … be gentle … what you think you want is not what you want … you are so generous you think you have given everything and you don’t know what else there is to give … you have an abundance .. you have … but you have to be gentle … ‘how do i ask?’ … just ask pethia, I will always be here … you have to listen and be gentle … you expect too much too soon … you have to realise that people love you for who you are and not for who your are not and you have to love yourself for who you are … other people will follow with you … you do not have to be afraid … you are not alone, and never will be, honestly … how did she say it? ‘Trust the process, trust the process’ … but most of all be gentle … ‘I feel I have a debt to pay back’ … be gentle … you cannot live your life through another you have to live your own life, child and you cannot live somebody else’s life through you … you cannot give anybody else your life, you can help them yes, be of devotional service but you cannot live their life for them … ‘what about love?’ … love yourself first child … you concentrate too much on the physical, it is important but not that important and comes later … be gentle pethia … you are wonderful, well done … keep it up … ‘ I feel cold’ … you need to feel that light you find so hard to imagine, breathe it in, fill your heart … ‘I don’t know where my heart is!’ … it is there child, be gentle be gentle sigha sigha slowly slowly … keep working … keep listening … keep being alive with passion but most of all, be gentle … ‘I still feel cold’ … be gentle … ‘I still feel lonely’ … why … ‘because she isn’t with me’ … what makes you say that? … ‘she wants to leave me’ … she will always be with you, she said so, trust her … ‘I trusted her before and she lied’ … trust her, you created the lie not her … listen … be gentle … go now and practise.
by Joan Armatrading
I may not be your best
You know good ones
Don’t come by the score
If you’ve got something missing
I’ll help you look
You can be sure
And if you want to be alone
Or someone to share a laugh
Whatever you want me to
All you got to do is ask
Don’t go under the sheets
Under a tree
In the rain and snow
I’ll be your fire inside
Come running to me
When things get out of hand
Running to me
When it’s more than you can stand
I said I’m strong
To be a
In a storm
Your willow oh willow
When the sun is out
A fight with your best girl
Prettiest thing you ever saw
You know I’ll listen
Try to get a message to her
And if it’s money you want
Or trouble halved
What ever you want me to
All you got to do is ask
I said I’m strong
To be a
Shelter in a storm
Your willow oh willow
When the sun is out