Delayed submission from Monday early morning, kept till Tuesday and heavily edited as what happened later that day was a bit weird.
Continual analysis is really tiresome …
Err … now we’re not exactly breaking new ground here are we! This is something I keep getting told and reminded of: “You think too much!”
I have been getting a bit immersed in the thoughts of my current situation. I am very content to have shifted my work home and even though I’m not sure my heart is in the actual type of work the means to an end is attractive as long as it is in sync with what I want to achieve personally and just doing it for about four hours a day with the occasional check on email or telephone call later in the day is absolutely perfect and is/will allow me space to discover ‘new synchronisities’ !
Yes, I can see why that space can be useful now.
During one of our chats, I picked up of the phrase ‘doing something regardless’ and asked about the use of the word regardless which I took to mean ‘without looking’.
She said she took it to mean ‘despite considerations’ and how something can be worth doing because of it’s fantastic benefits even though it annoys you that the people involved may be raking it in as in isa for instance, I still have that consideration and I still want to go and do that.
I’m struggling with ‘gentle’! Not surprisingly.
I feel I am having to restrict what I say so it doesn’t provoke. This does have the advantage that what I do say is better thought out, or at least that was the intention but in practise the reality is less so, for example:
She said: “I’ve made a Veg Chilli.”
I said, “I’m not hungry.”
Why on earth did I say that? I was really pleased she had cooked … it really helped the family thing … it showed she still felt involved … she specifically told me because she was showing that she accepted I was involved too … and so I show how raw I was feeling by snapping “I’m not hungry.”: What a sad and self suffering man, look at me, I’m so unhappy I don’t have an appetite, not even food will make me feel better.
Now all this is true but ‘I’m not hungry’ is hardly using any creative energy to set an example except of how ‘not’ to do it.
I wanted to log this just to show the unconscious cynical mind that I have been living with and dragging her along with. Does it show any change? Well not going from that demonstration, no; but then again my own internal reaction to saying it was interesting.
The background is relevant: I was outside clearing rubbish and leaves from outside the house and she had come out to say “Found yourself a Forth Road Bridge job to keep you out of mischief?”
“I’m just doing what I think needs doing.” And I thought that was a bit of a trite response and noted that I should maybe should have just smiled. The thought in my head was sort of “Yes” actually and I said, “Doing this was supposed to stop me from thinking …” The unsaid finish to the sentence obviously meant it wasn’t working!
About half an hour previously someone else also said something similar: “Doing a thankless job there!” they said.
I don’t have a problem with not being thanked though I do like it when it happens it’s equally if not more useful if it doesn’t happen because it gets me to question my motivation: am I doing it to be
- feel important
Just because the leaves will blow back doesn’t mean they don’t need clearing still otherwise why would anybody get washed? You’re only going to get dirty again! Absolute nonsense.
Anyway, you can see the potential for a slow crash occurring in our initial words.
I stopped my unconscious sweeping and followed her inside.
“Sorry. The correct response to ‘I’ve made a Veg Chilli’ is ‘Ooh great, I’ll have some later. Thank you!'”
I did have some later, it tasted great and I texted her to say so.
Another interesting thing about the exchange was my attitude to myself for putting my foot in it a bit.
I, eventually, noticed and instead of thrashing about in self criticism, I just said what needed to be said to try and make amends. I was glad I came out with ‘I’m not hungry’ because it’s bluntness helped to show me a direction of where I can work. It showed me what ‘not gentle’ was and it allowed me to discover what ‘gentle’ would look like.
OK, I wish I’d said the 2nd thing instead of the 1st, but that trick might show itself in Lesson 2!
I forget so easily.
I have let my meditation practise slip and have noticed how much better I feel about our situation (not just about her wanting to leave me but the house, work, myself etc) after doing some grounding meditation and just sitting.
Blogging alone doesn’t do it. Yes it externalises, is cathartic and really helps me fix and discover my realisations but sitting changes my whole being.
Do I accept what is happening and her decision? Well, yes in a way. I accept that as I was and as she was our relationship should not continue and I would concede that if nothing changed then the decision and conclusion would remain the same but it just plainly hasn’t and what was valid before isn’t necessarily valid now.
Work situation has changed; money situation ha changed and this man has recognised so much over the past month because the whole process has mad him click and shift in a totally different direction with a new focus and purpose.
These aren’t just old considerations surfacing. I’m not trying to prove anybody right or wrong, wise or ignorant, good or bad. I am not trying to trick anybody, not her, myself or any others. It is just as it is: different, and as such MAY lead to different conclusions.
It of course may not – I don’t know. We are still not telling each other everything: our goals and our desires. We haven’t checked the alignment. She is only going off what she ‘thinks’ I want and suspects that I’d just say ‘yes’ to everything that she wants to keep the status quo. This is not true and it assumes I am just a sheep and I’m being kept in the daaaaark.
This is obviously a training ground and would we have gone through so much just to pack it in or could it be that we are giving ourselves the opportunity to make it how it can be, how it should be?
‘Letting go’ is one thing but if something is of magnificent value and potential I think it is worth reviewing under a new light to see if we are both willing to realise that potential together or if these recent moments are just a swan song glimmer of despair.
We didn’t find each other just to give ourselves a hard time. Was the relationship always destined to be doomed? I know we did it how we did it – I now want to do it how we could have done it. Much of our time together has been very one sided, towards me unfortunately, and it is very much time that that balance is redressed towards her. It will continue to be out of kilter as we over compensate and then it will find a point of equilibrium. I have a feeling that it would be all so incomplete without the redress but maybe that is just me again wanting to be in control of the situation, or maybe not I don’t know. I am confused,
It seems to me that we have a glaring opportunity to take advantage of her creative action and leap onwards and upwards. That action created a further creative action and deserved a further creative response. That response may be the same as before, or it may be different. Neither takes away from the other in validity.
“I don’t understand. I’m confused.” I keep saying.
“You don’t have to be able to understand. You don’t need to know how a telly works in order to use it or enjoy it. There’s too much information and I have an eternity,” she said. “What would it look like if you DID understand? What would it look like if you WEREN’T confused?”
Interesting. I could just pretend for a while. Then I may see the benefits it brings and then end up believing it and it will then become TRUE for me.
Is such an approach being honest and true to myself? Well maybe not, but it IS BEING CREATIVE and I’m willing to give it a shot.
Meanwhile, what would it look like if we accepted that the Universe wasn’t mistaken by putting us together in the first place?