… if I pretend hard enough …
I may just believe it’s true for myself.
There is merit in keeping busy and walking everywhere: there’s not much time for anything else.
I’ve been reflecting on the last couple of hectic days what with all the realisations and coming-to-terms’s and particularly upon her comment: “What would it look like if you DID understand and WASN’T confused!”
I wrote: I’ll give it a go, and I suppose today was the first of those goes. Though my counselling session this morning did mention it we did not dwell too much except to mention how dire our financial situation had become over the past few months. I found out yesterday that we owed MIL and daughter some 2500+ which I didn’t know about which she used to either support the business or pay general bills.
Financially, she has been looking after things for the past couple of years and I had proved to be a bit profligate. I was content to do this and just concentrate on generating it over our costs. This became difficult (impossible) and thereby her job was also so.
However, I didn’t take too much of a close look and didn’t do much adding up of my own which I accept I should have done. I had a feeling were getting into a worse position but thought that this was at the expense of company creditors and not from borrowings from close family, every time we used a card for business I thought whoever it belonged to was paid off when the cash came in some 48 hours later – obviously not.
This money issue is possibly no more than a catalyst of her decision to leave but it must have a significant contribution to her “Loss of faith in me,” she mentioned and her saying “I just don’t buy into it any more: the ‘it’ll be OK when we do such and such or something else might happen.'”
I must say that I was often just trying to convince myself as much as anyone else that we could turn things round if only we started to work effectively together but as time went on, either one of us, or both of us were feeling a bit down about the business situation and very infrequently were we both up about it at the same time that the whole situation at work became untenable. Consequently, when she said she wanted us to separate it wasn’t that much of a hard decision to let the business go and break that particular dream bubble.
In doing so, I recognised that it should have been shifted that way a long time ago and her warnings went unheeded by me and undiscussed at any length and in fairness I’ve been reviewing recent ‘goal sheets’ and there is little evidence of such an attitude from either of us.
Both of us were kidding our selves and each other. She ‘bought’ into what I was ‘selling’ and I ‘bought’ into what she was ‘selling’.
A tough lesson to spot and a tough one to learn if ever there was one.
The day for me started at 6am with a grounding meditation and an exploration of my chakras whatever and wherever they may be. Grounding med was pretty good and the chakra search was interesting if for nothing else than for their illusiveness! It wouldn’t have been so bad if I hadn’t perceived anything at all but I obviously did feel something and the book says practise gets better results, so practise I will.
I’ve got to admit to feeling a bit weird doing this, all by my lonesome but it is really useful to bounce my experiences off her when I get the chance though I perceive that she may be getting increasingly uncomfortable and impatient about it because I am so much a novice and sometime ask brainless questions.
The day featured a lot of walking but not much working, or so I thought, but when I look back at it I probably did as much of that as I would have done if I still had the ‘Unit’ with all those overheads to pay. A handful of business calls, a couple of quotes and about 400 in orders and got a promise of some more which kept the day well profitable. Considering I spent much of it drinking coffee, reading poetry, talking about myself to various medical practitioners, meditating, cleaning, shopping and washing up, it can’t be bad.
Whilst at the doctors discovering that I am at my lowest weight for … err, well donkey’s years having lost 14Kg in 2.5 months – still look like a pudding though! Blood pressure was a bit high and he talked to me about ‘stress’ even though I went for something completed different. He didn’t realise that I have reduced my stress level from a few gazillions to quite a bit under a zillion over the past month and relatively speaking it ain’t that bad.
Got to admit also that the “What would it look like if…” process seems to be having a calming effect and helping me with ego stuff etc. Just you watch … what with saying that I’m bound to go off the rails any moment!!!
Nah! Just kidding 😉
Going to finish off the day with a few more chores, a short visit to the pub and a bit more work after: I’ve got to write to my customers to tell them how wonderful I am and what a fantastic service they’ll be getting from me.
We worked on the letter together and it’s probably the most productive and mutually contributory thing we’ve done in years. Was it because I was genuinely listening and she was genuinely thinking I was listening? Anyway, we mulled a few ideas around and came up with consensus remarkably quickly with both of our independent ideas being incorporated in some way and acknowledged by each other.
Erm? Why the surprise? Isn’t it supposed to be like that?
The Divine universe is a crazy place: there I was talking about me struggling with the concept of ‘light’ during my meditations, yesterday. I said, “I just can’t see it!” Huh??? “… So I’ve started to look at all meanings of the word from the obvious photon bits to ‘Not being so heavy about everything’ and walking lightly about the place.” My friend looked very blank and unfortunately my shoes squeak which just adds to the general hilarity of my plight.
So what does the universe deliver? Today, ALL the kitchen lights fail, I have to go out and get some more lamps as the fittings are all shot, I went a-conquering with my youngest son and bought two. Consequently, it is now ten times brighter in there and so much more welcoming (though it does also show up the horrible bits more) AND I discover at the doctor’s that I am actually half a stone lighter than I thought I was!
There’s light for you boy! Look, even the people reading this are laughing with you and feeling lighter. Mmm … maybe you were even doing it gently too without realising it!