Posted by: funkydeez | March 11, 2009; 11:38 am

Lift Me Up …

… so I can see above the clouds …

Is it a question? Direction? Desire? Hope?

Now there is a word … HOPE!

______________________________

It’s been a busy few days, socialising and not sleeping, doin’ stuff differently. I even dived in to cook something I’d never even attempted before and in a way I’d never approached something like that too:

I’d set a task

Asked for help

Asked for help again

Didn’t insist I did everything my self

Got the kids to help

It seemed to taste how I’d wanted it to and the salad came out more or less at the same time as everything else for a change but just the experience of doing it together and eating together was fantastic. She wasn’t there at the time but had some later on and I noticed what it felt like to experience the ‘opposite’ of food rejection!

I was reminded last night of how much time I spent away, doing ‘Me’ things. At the time I didn’t see it that way and felt that I was always encouraged even when I resisted she seemed to still encourage me. All the more surprising when she mentioned how much I was spending on myself rather than sharing within our family budget.

It showed me how unaware I was and how much I ignored the obvious which was so easily visible to her and our acquaintances – I can assure you I wasn’t blissful about any of it. The times away were when I felt my most lonely, being away without my loving partner was the worst and we never really ever went away as a family without my disappearing off to work for a couple of days in between – I had made myself so indispensable at work, or so I thought.

Can’t get thos opportunities back now.

Did she feel as lonely when she was away too, with the kids? Possibly, and last year was the first time she didn’t go away with them and it was also the first time I had absolutely resolved to take time off work and go with them when they did!

How cruel is that?

I’d put it out there earlier in the year that I wanted us all to go on a family holiday but obviously, as usual, I allowed other things to get in the way and didn’t make it important enough.

Is this why I feel such urgency?

______________________________

We have to talk to our children soon about our situation which is still, on a practical where does everybody live level, unsure.

I passed on a suggestion that someone made to me that she should go away for a while, say three months. Long enough away from us and her other influences in the area to review by herself how she felt and get clear.

She has asked for space and time and to be allowed to be free, and that does seem to fit the bill.

Am I suggesting it to delay the inevitable?

She asked me how do I benefit and I thought I wouldn’t at the time but afterwards I realised it would allow me to be with the children (including the one that’s left home) for a while to get to know each other better in time for when we would be probably be spending much less time with each other in close proximity – a sort of bonding time.

Is that selfish? No not really, she’s had them to herself for years and will probably still do so, in fact I think it’s very ‘giving’ actually.

Is the suggestion unfair by delaying anything? Well, after 24 years, adding 3 months for solitary consideration to see how in fact anything may have changed for us as a result of my shifting my arse and getting it into gear I don’t think is too much to ask.

Am I expecting a sudden change of mind? No, not really it’s not just for her, it’s for me also. I am only doing this for me, that’s what she told me to do and she’s right, it can ONLY be for me but not the selfish ignorant and unconscious ‘me’ but the real one I have been putting down and ignoring for so many years. The ‘Me’ that I actually like and can actually, dare I say ‘love’!

Would I want her to change her mind? Well I don’t really know. At the moment ‘Yes’ but after that time I’m not sure. The time would give us both space to experiment and play with all sorts of things, to sorting out gainful employment, seeking new friends and synchronicities, and even sex and frolicking without recrimination, why not? Now do I feel uncomfortable about that, or what? You bet! But I am coming from a place of ‘Understanding’ and it was she who mentioned mid life crisis, not me; and this life and marriage is too important to spoil over essentially superficial things in the long term if it can only be de-fibrillated from it’s present coronary state.

I know, that by her making her wishes known, I have received such a shock similar to de-fibrillating a failed heart and the analogy is outrageously accurate – both of us had lost our hearts and I am only just beginning to re-discover where mine is. I wrote earlier :”I feel SO ALIVE!” And it has given me a feeling of new life, new beginnings and great opportunities. I have also rediscovered my wish and capability to share it’s abundance.

Over the past few weeks, I have begun to uncover the ‘Me’ I only daydreamed about, the ‘me’ that I never even thought possible, one who is determined unconditionally loving and fun but who also has a desire for its ‘self’ and its own well-being which I never thought was the proper thing to desire.

I will not take any old shit from her or anybody else just to keep a relationship or situation together. OK life and relationships is about compromise but I am living my own, not hers or any body else’s and it must all be done with agreement and mutual willingness.

What say after three months, we compare notes and desires and decide then, I’m pretty sure that whatever, it will be pretty mutual and by consent as opposed to either feeling forced or obliged into a situation which it feels like now for me and she also admits that she is feeling pressured into a way of thinking. This idea may be an answer.

I don’t know, but it may be worth considering.

______________________________

I sang last night again down at t’ pub.

It was great.

My voice has changed, there is a new intonation, and new connection and feeling behind every word.

My favourite of the moment I have now started to sing unaccompanied, unshielded by guitar or drums, just me, myself and I.

It’s about have one point of view at one time then flipping and changing to another totally opposite. It was written when a friend was deeply in love one moment with his partner and then got up out of bed one morning and realised he had changed his mind:

AIN’T IT FUNNY HOW
by Rab Thompson

I’ve been around ever since I got out
And I ain’t found nothing I can shout about
I spend my money like I spend my time
Just looking for someone not smarter than I am.

Ain’t it funny how you hold my hand
Well, life’s so heavy I can hardly stand.
You lift me up so I can see above the clouds
Now ain’t it funny how, now ain’t it funny how.

Lying next to you one morning in bed
There were vagrant thoughts a-running through my head
Wel I once loved my music now I love you instead 
Now ain’t it funny how, on now well ain’t it funny how. 

Ain’t it funny how you hold my hand
Well, life’s so heavy I can hardly stand.
You lift me up so I can see above the clouds
Now ain’t it funny how, now ain’t it funny how.

Life’s a card game when the Joker’s been played
The dealer’s in and there’s a lot to be made.
Well, I don’t play for winning I just play for the game,
Now ain’t it funny how, on now well ain’t that funny how. 
Ain’t it funny how you hold my hand
Well, life’s so heavy I can hardly stand.
You lift me up so I can see above the clouds
Now ain’t it funny how, now ain’t it funny how. 

I said, now aint’t it funny how oh now well ain’t that funny how.

Thanks Rab. I’ll always remember you, the gifts you gave me, the shelter you shared and that song that has helped keep me alive.

Thank you.

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