Posted by: funkydeez | March 17, 2009; 9:08 pm

Atonement…

At One Ness

Reparation for a wrong or injury, expiation: paying the penalty and making amends for a wrongdoing.

I went to see her Mum today.

“Sorry” I said.

“You don’t have to say that to me” She replied.

“I promised you I would look after her; I promised her I would look after her and I promised myself I would look after her; and I didn’t look after her at all. Sorry.”

She was forgiving (for giving) “We have all made mistakes.”

With tears in both our eyes, we hugged … long and close.

____________________________

Saying SORRY to someone gives them the opportunity for FORGIVENESS.

I’ve said it countless times to her and I do genuinely feel forgiven in spirit though at the same time not so because she is taking herself away from me depriving me of a chance to heal and make amends.

I cannot believe my sorrow and suffering is making amends but then again this is probably the expiation I must endure with everything taken out of my own decision making, choice and power.

I probably deserve it “You don’t always get what you WANT, but you do get what you NEED” she has said many times in the haunting past.

Now, if I say sorry to myself, maybe it will give ME the opportunity and power to FORGIVE MYSELF and just get on with it. And ‘Now’ would probably be a good time!

Whilst I BREATHE, there is LIFE and I’m going to LIVE it.

Mmm … yeah … it does have a ring to it: Ενώ αναπνέω, υπάρχει ζωή και πρόκειται να ζήσω! Oh I don’t know, sometimes the Romans had a more snappy way of describing things!

____________________________

Today I have felt very alone (all one?)

Or is that another way of saying independent?

I don’t feel strong enough to be by myself at this moment. Is it fear? Or a wish to be more gentle on myself? Or maybe it’s just part of my atonement: my being AT ONE with myself, my past, my present and my future.

Hold on, that’s not ‘one’ thing, that’s four. ONE THING  would just be BEING! Oh this is so hard …

A strange combination of nausea and desolation, lethargy and sorrow is creeping up on me.

Ho hum.

____________________________

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