Posted by: funkydeez | March 17, 2009; 8:33 pm

Faith, Hope and Clarity…

“I lost faith in you. I don’t buy into it any more: the what ifs, when thises and thats and what can bes, and all that shit…”

Dum Spiro Spero, “Whilst I breathe, I hope”, that’s what my father has always told me, and that is EXACTLY how I’ve done it.

The loyal blinkered dog went ALL the way, every time, without fail, time after time, business after business, what if and when after what if and when: still breathing – still hoping.

Though kicking and screaming, I have gone through in and out of the bankruptcy courts, through sickness and health … richer or poorer … till death… well not that yet, the only things that’ve died are my marriage and the loyal dog with it.

I have woken up to the misdirection that Latin phrase attributed to Cicero has led me to, Dum Spiro Spero. Interesting how it starts off with the word ‘Dum’!

This post has taken weeks to write because the idea of HOPE has underpinned so much of my life and the way I’v done it. It has caused much of my mental block and is .. well … we’ll see where it takes us as I write shall we?

_________________________

HOPE – THE GREAT DECEIVER

“It was in Pandora’s Box!” She said.

I didn’t believe her. How could Hope be an evil? I Googled it and behold there it was, the last of the great evils to befall man, HOPE.

As Wiki says:

Hope is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life. Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. [1] To hope is to wish for something with the expectation of the wish being fulfilled, a key condition in unrequited love[2] Hopefulness is somewhat different from optimism in that hope is an emotional state, whereas optimism is a conclusion reached through a deliberate thought pattern that leads to a positive attitude.

Sorts of puts it, and me, in a nutshell really!

HOPE to me became like a flywheel, always running along side me, building up momentum and potential energy so it can be brought into gear to keep things moving onwards when things got tricky and often desperate.

I now have also come to realise that I regarded her as my flywheel, keeping the momentum and potential in reserve for when I needed her to kick into gear and help me out, offer support, move things along, make that important call I didn’t want to make, speak to the people I was trying to avoid. A flywheel for when I run out of energy and am in despair, she was my back-up and rescue remedy, she was all that kept me going. I could rely on her always being there, she had said she would be, I took it for granted, I didn’t look after her, I didn’t attend to even the basics of maintenance of that relationship, it was all there to help me stay sane and keep me earning the money we needed. It was mutual … until … 

Well, I haven’t had much problem disengaging myself from that Great Deceiver, Hope once I realised how reliance on it has ruined my life through blinkering me to reality.

Disengaging myself from her is equally as necessary but so much harder because I have no hope to rely on any more. Like I said in my previous post there is no life left in it and going by the motto Dum Spiro Spero, No breath – No Hope.

This is so hard to take, my loss is immense, I am torn. How could I have lost so much in such a short time after such a long time of devotion to this evil concept?

The Great Deceiver – Hope.

She also – a great deceiver: she kept me going, thinking it could be OK until … she said she didn’t ‘buy’ into it any more. I WASN’T TRYING TO SELL ANYTHING! I was only trying to LIVE, with YOU … US … ALL OF US … all the family … TOGETHER … I was trying to fix everything.

Why couldn’t you take me with you on your journey? I always wanted to be with you even when, and especially when, I wasn’t with you.

Some people can do this stuff by themselves, well lucky for them.

HOPE! The Great Deceiver. Dum Spiro Spero: get thee gone! You don’t serve me any more and you never really did.

How about this one:

Whilst I BREATHE, there is LIFE, so I’m going to LIVE IT.

Somebody pass me a Latin lexicon quick – maybe I’ll become as famous as our old friend Cicero.

Maybe I’ll just live my life for a change and stop driving all the things around me to destruction; or is that just another faint hope?

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