Probably not very wise but I did it anyway…
My last visit to my blog writing was about forgiveness and atonement etc.
I have not updated or written because nothing is going on for me, quite the opposite! The torrent continues to flow and every day brings new stuff.
I have been introduced, by a new friend, to a writer called Gill Edwards and her books I find to be easily readable, talking about all sorts of relevant things to me. When pick it up at a random page and see myself described and how I could actually be should I take up a revolutionary shift I am moved to elation, in shock at not being as unique as I had thought and, … well … totally bowled over.
The concept of there being no wrong/right, good/bad happenings or behaviour is an incredible release. Free from condition, expectation and demand. Brought into the concept of ‘Love’ it is my route to manifesting the unconditional love I desire and thought I had at one time but was mistaken.
Release to pursue joy as that is the purpose of life. Going BEYOND forgiveness and anything else just still creates a right and wrongness about a situation.
If only, eh?
I’ve lost count of the number of times I have found myself in the situation of saying SORRY this past few weeks. Friendships I desire are shattered quicker than they form. My intensity and overpowering demeanour are just too much for people but it is all such a clear reflection of me.
This was flagged up by my other desire to become in the flow of the law of attraction and by putting that thought out there, it all seems so obvious.
I feel incredibly OVERWHELMED and so I am overwhelming.
I feel so desperately UNSUPPORTED and am exactly that
I feel LONELY and I can’t seem to shift and see the people around me.
I try to force it pretend otherwise but there is no kidding the Universe, I just can’t seem to find a way of BELIEVING I have the power to create my own happiness thought I so obviously manifest my own unhappiness so easily.
Despite being surrounded by potentially ‘Good Stuff’ I have reverted all of a sudden into despair again.
My gentleness towards my self has mutated into lack of discipline and I have let myself go rather than let go of the things I wanted to let go of and move on from.
They stayed with me.
Someone said recently to me, “When you up and move camp, you take the fire with you and leave the ashes behind. You don’t want to be taking the ashes with you as well.” Well, sack cloth and ashes seems to be the order of the day at the moment!
What I give is what I get…
That’s the nub of it: I give myself a hard time and that’s what I get but then again I give myself an ‘easy’ time and it doesn’t come easy though that is really more to do with the interpretation of the word ‘easy’. Really what that meant in that context was letting my self and standards slip through non-action, which in turn creates those things in my life.
I make it ‘easy’ by meditating, doing my reading, doing my household chores like cleaning and tidying up, working diligently etc. and I haven’t been doing any of that at all these past couple of weeks particularly the first three – I have in fact used the need to work and create some cash flow as a bit of an excuse for not doing the others.
The isa experience brought up exactly what I set myself up for and in typical ‘isa’ fashion I didn’t like it.
When I said I hadn’t been truly climbing my walls, Luis said,
“It’s very difficult without support. When we leave it to ourselves we allow ourselves to slip regardless of our own best intentions. People continue to not get the results they want because as soon as they get a good result they immediately celebrate and let go, give themselves a treat and do it in exactly the opposite way they managed to create the results they wanted in the first place. Before they know it they are back in the same situation but worse.
Take losing weight as an example: You lose a stone, celebrate and put the stone back on with a few added pebbles!
This is not new or original, it happens all the time – without support.
Another realisation came in the most uncomfortable way in the knowledge of what I am getting now is how I set it up. Everything worked exactly how I set it up, from the way I get up in the morning to my emotional roller coater to the break up of my marriage.
I was talking with someone last week and said there is a Cuban song on the lines of ‘Always marry a woman uglier than you!’ They answered lots of people do that and I always regarded my wife as more ‘attractive’ and beautiful than me and always questions what I had done to deserve such a person in my life, not just in a physical sense of beauty but also her inner beauty and kindness – it has always surprised me.
If I were to really put ‘my money’ on how long our relationship would last: a short time, medium time or forever time though it was truly what I desired, to grow old and live forever with her as husband and wife because of possibly my own low opinion of myself I couldn’t believe the relationship continued for so long anyway especially when I behaved like a complete bastard to her. My money would have been on an eventual break-up and as the person I was talking to at the time said: “Yup, and that’s what you got!”
The theme continued to become apparent with regards to my relationship with my father and how I allowed myself to run with his suggestions and what I thought he wanted to happen.
It’s alright me going on about how much pressure and stress i was under from him to ‘do the business’ whilst not allowing me any freedom to ‘do the business’ or how much pressure she put upon me to provide money, the derision she threw at me when things went a bit awry and it’s consequences for her and our children, it was me that picked up those balls and ran with them.
I fell for them hook, line and sinker – whilst mixing my metaphors I willingly sold my soul to my own martyrdom because I thought I was doing it for the best.
I always knew I wouldn’t be able to make that business model work and when she started sending her own conflicting signals of dedication and willingness combined with their opposites last year I didn’t do anything to resolve the incongruency of either of our actions and I precipitated the collapse of the business within two weeks of our first chat. The only surprise was the speed of doing it and my willingness to do so when I realised I was doing what nobody actually wanted me to do.
I was a dog running around in the garden in the rain, barking at a tree with everybody inside looking on saying “What’s he doing that for? Silly dog!” Blaming them for letting me do it that way is absurd.
So I stopped.
I looked around.
I looked at my bedraggled coat, my tangled and matted hair, my droopy and unwagging tail all sodden in the rain of frustration and desperate tears. I cut a pitiful character looking for a pat of encouragement, a ruffle of the hair a quick cuddle from anybody that will feel sorry for me for a moment and give me a lap to rest my head on and slippers to fetch.
And that’s all I’m getting.
Nobody wants to hang around a mut like that and even if I found somebody I wouldn’t like it anyway as that’s truly not the type of support I desire.
The results I desire are magnificent yet I feel so totally overwhelmed by the amount of work ahead. The total shift. Is it truly what I want? Oh yes! Truly yet it’s all so confused and my intensity creates inertia. I scare people – I scare myself! Nobody is really sure if the dog is rabid or just manic but the excitement as a potential new owner comes to the cage door of the kennel translates into, ‘Is it safe to bring him home and leave him with the kids? I don’t want all the furniture to be ripped to shreds when I come home on an evening, I think we’ll go for a more placid one. This one’s too unpredictable – he seems a bit too damaged, too much hard work, I want my life easier’ and they move on.
Another close friend who I’ve upset recently told me about his mother’s love for him and how he didn’t truly realise it until she died last year.
I told her that I had spoken to my mum about how she did it with me and how I had felt oppressed by it, I rather cruelly pointed out that there is only one letter different between smothering and mothering. That wasn’t gently or kind, was it? No, but I thought we had an understanding and I did follow it up with lots of I love you’s regardless, I was just saying how it felt sometimes for me and my branch of the family i.e. wife and kids, sometimes and that she cannot FORCE it’s reciprocation.
He was a bit shocked at my attitude, but nevertheless we continued … I said, “I chose my wife’s way of loving me, not my mother’s but now she has left me and doesn’t love me anymore.”
He said, “Precisely! Which has been the more enduring? Which was the truest? Which was the unconditional love you say you desire?”
I have since spoken to her and have realised that part of the pressure I had felt was a result of her too picking up my father’s perceptions of what should happen. I always regarded them together whereas in truth they are separate. Emotional vampire? Well yes she still is, but it is her stuff not mine and I don’t need to run with it.
My abilities to respond …
And others to me.
Said late last week in answer to my question, “What am I like?”
“A petulant child. You don’t like it when you don’t get your own way, you sulk!”
Sometimes, you know, I just don’t know why I set myself up for this stuff 🙂 Good though isn’t it!
That is truly what I want: an honest answer from an honest person who thinks enough of me to care to be truthful. Pity I upset her too later. Another on falls by the wayside and moves on to another cage.
Yes, it’s my creation still: I feel so overwhelmed and I continue to be overwhelming (she said that too). I feel so overpowered and continue to be overpowering. When people get into my sphere they run like a shot and not surprising.
This is going to take practice this gently stuff. My struggle against my own despondency is part of my not accepting. It is as I have learned as a consequence of my own creation myth in that life that has to be endured with lessons to be learned, believing there is something ‘wrong’ with me or everything is a random accident ‘with no inherent meaning or purpose’ with threats of consequences as opposed to Life is a Gift based upon unconditional love: no right or wrong, true freedom without conditions, where growth is inevitable and the purpose is joy.
I like the sound of that! I’m off to go do some … see you later 🙂