Extract from recent textin:
>> Good to keep busy
>> I think today has been
>> the hardest for me this
>> week – loads of potential
>> triggers queuing up. Still
>> fun though
> What do you mean by triggers?
> R we talking guns or House @
> Pooh Corner? Seriously thou
> explain please.
Triggers are events or things, usually external that spark off (trigger could be another word) an emotion, usually but not always, negative.
I get what I set up and if I set up negative, negative is what I get and, boy, am I getting negative!
At the moment I’ve sort of gone over the tipping point of any semblance of self control, I have spent the last hour or so shaking along fits and starts of uncontrollable tears. My thoughts are just running wild and even when I try to centre myself calmness only last a few seconds and then it comes back worse. This is possibly the opposite of the manic you referred to the other day.
Noticing the triggers is important because nipping an unwanted emotional response before it has time to come into existence is the best method rather than trying to ignore it, fight against it or cover it up once it has happened because, you see, once I have created it it exists regardless of what I do or my attitude.
Another problem is the fact that these triggers are unavoidable and uncontrollable, the only thing that is controllable is my response. Since almost everything I do, see, say, place I go, friend I see (apart from some very very recent ones) are co-linked with her, I can’t get away from the triggers.
Yesterday’s potential triggers I referred to were:
- – getting booted and suited in my tux, bow tie and cufflinks, all things she has always prepared for me in the past and inspected me before I went through the door.I ended up with shaving spots of blood all over, and had to do my tie and struggle one handed with cufflinks whilst in the taxi. I even forgot to take my contact business cards to what was essentially a networking event. All was chaos without her help. I felt desperately lonely, abandoned and unsupported.
- – whilst I was out, she called round and took our youngest dow to the pub for a game of pool. She rang me to ask if it was OK but not so much to ask permission but to let be know in case I got back with him not being there and thinking he may have been abducted by an alien. Oh the irony, she certainly is being alien to me.
- – just the act of going to do the ‘big shop’ at ASDA. She is/was always a better and more thrifty shopper than me and every turn and pick of an item was referenced and plugged me further in.
There were more but those seemed most significant.
- Today, I had waking up lucid dreaming moments about how to break her wedding ring so she can get it off (it is well stuck). I imagined pre-arranging it with a jeweller so we could just quickly go in and out, I saw us walking out into the sunshine; I felt myself holding her hand, gently prising my grandmother’s ring off and putting it in my pocket. I even saw myself giving her my own hand so she could take my own off (my grandfathers, they’d been married to each other for over 50 years). No words were said but I did have the thought, again in my waking dream, to say “With this I thee unwed” but thought it would be too melodramatic (!)
- – I busied myself in the bathroom clearing up some clothes to wash and noticed there were a lot fewer of hers there. She must have been and taken them away somewhere else. I always find this really hard, especially when it comes to touching her underwear or ‘nice’ going out clothes – there was a pair of briefs with the words ‘May all your wishes come true’ on the hem, I put them neatly on top. I folded things up for her and placed them to one side, pre-washed with tears.
- – I’d just finished washing up and one of the boys came into the kitchen with a shattered glass he had broken and said he thought he has a shard so small he couldn’t see but could feel in a finger. I didn’t know what to do, I felt useless and helpless. We decided to soak his hand in warm water to hopefully soften and expand his skin to loosen the offending piece when she came through the door to pick up our youngest to take him to football. I looked at her for a moment, even with remnants of last night’s make-up she looked so calm and beautiful. I walked away and shut the door to my office/playroom and sat in an uncontrollable state. She came to the door a bit later and asked if she could come in. I couldn’t physically speak or say a word. Of course I wanted her to come in; of course I didn’t want her to come in. Of course I didn’t want to feel the way I did but I was doing, and I had created it.
I really thought I’d got over this bit, I really did. It’s just not right to feel like this on such a beautiful day. I’ve been up since 7:30 and it’s only 10:30 and I feel terrible.
I’m going to do some writing now, on my blog. I’ve got out of the habit of doing it daily. My thoughts are all jumbled up and it will help sort out the spaghetti. One of my main emotional triggers is my loneliness about not being able to share my life and daytime experiences and silly happenings with anyone significant. Hence all these pent up ramblings and texts etc I think. You don’t even have to be there to receive them but it’s good to know that you might be.