“Is it kind? Is it necessary?”…
After reviewing the isa Experience, I felt a bit … err … despondent (?), no that’s the wrong word … flattened (?) – better.
Now I come o think of it I felt the same way I did after working on my ‘Grounding’ meditations. The sensation of being grounded was so unusual to me it actually felt like sadness at first but she pointed out that it was just a bit of reality hitting home as opposed to me living in a dreamworld of Hopes and Chances.
The usual ‘popping’ from the isa Experience looks like overt joy, happiness and gladness with all and everything and people tend to come up and ask “What are you on?”
It wasn’t like that for me this time but the effect was none the less profound and became all too clear for some as I have started to come to terms with and learning about the concepts of:
- responsibility over blame
- no right or wrong
- going beyond forgiveness
- there are no accidents, not even little ones
- I create my own reality: heaven and hell and numbness
- life is a gift
- seeing goodness in all life
- getting in touch with my emotions and what they actually represent
I could go on but I may be in breach of copyright somewhere!
It looked all rather too harsh to mum and dad when I spoke to them at first. It went something like this: “I want to come and see you because I want to come and see you. Not because I should, be obliged to or have a perceived responsibility to. Surely you would want me to be here because I want to be, not because I’ve been emotionally blackmailed into it?”
Well words to that effect anyway. You can probably see how it didn’t go down too well!
But hey! She told me worse just a couple of months ago, with no reprieve at all! The only idea of us meeting up she gave was, “Of course you’re not never going to see me again. I’d still like to have a pint and a game of pool with you now and again, and anyway, we’re still parents of the kids!” … Errr “Cheers love!” … <thunk!> as I hit the ground and tumble into the abyss!
She had expressed concern to my mum a few weeks ago: “I hope he’s kind to you.” Mum didn’t really understand and mentioned it to me. I was at that time, but I had to say what I said with my newly found clarity after the Experience.
I spoke to her later and said I though I’d sounded a bit forthright but it had to come out that way to barge through the obstruction.
Nobody really knows the pain I have felt from the confinement I’d allowed myself to endure. I don’t think I explained nearly well enough. I have written about the ‘prison’, the ‘stress’ and the ‘darkness’ of not having any windows in the last place I worked. It was in all year round Seasonally Affected Disorder mode. Those same conditions however were present for many years before that, physically and metaphorically.
I’ve no doubt that she felt similarly too but the real nub of her sadness was probably seeing me continue through mine regardless of how many times she tried to help me out of it. That must also have caused her intense pain, to watch her loved on treat himself like that. An alcoholic, drunk on guilt.
Now I’ve done it and said it. Albeit with the assistance of her dumping me but nevertheless it’s done, and yes … I thank her for it, I do: because it is giving me the release I so desperately need.
The attachment I had to my dad was very deep rooted. It had been touched upon years ago when I was first doing the isa Experience 18 years ago. It came up regularly particularly in the ‘Intensive Training’ and again with my talk to Ole in France when I went to spend time with him.
I’d told him that I regarded my dad as my teacher. We exchanged little after that and now I understand why: he saw what I didn’t … he saw what she was going to be up against.
Finding the words was never going to be easy. He was bound to wriggle and struggle just like I had kicked and screamed when she told me she wanted to leave me. My mum was also bound to be influenced by his bile.
Much of it has to do with an idealised view of a family orientated culture. One he didn’t even act out himself.
He emigrated to the UK in 1952, following his brother. He released himself of any responsibility to his own parents many years ago with the exception of a weekly phone call and an occasional visit/holiday when money afforded it. He told me he did that to make them happy. I always thought it was to go on holiday, but I was just a child then! (!!!)
Along with his brother, he’d put thousands and thousands of miles of separation between his parents and their beloved grandchildren and only now is he realising what that pain can be like.
Maybe some of his own father issues stemmed from his wartime experiences. His house was used as a German officers’ billet from when he was 6 years old for the next four years.
Whilst his own father was away ‘at war’ for those years who were his role models? Witnessing a cruel, callous and bullying regime so close to home it was actually IN his home: summary execution of totally uninvolved civilians; bullying tactics between officers and men beyond reason. All in front of a 6 year old for the following four years – the horror, the fear: where was his father to protect him?
Oh yes, he will no doubt have father issues too. Maybe I should rename this blog: “HITLER: His Part In My Downfall!”
Maybe in time we might talk together about some of this. I would like to, but I am no longer allowing myself to take on any responsibility for his well-being anymore. He never even asked for it, I just thought he expected it and as the years have gone by, he has.
The way I’d set it up was for either of two things to happen, either:
- he would retire with loads of cash rolling in
- he would die
… and THEN I would be able to concentrate all my efforts solely upon her and our children. Or of course the other alternative would be that I would die trying.
Well, no more.
Not palatable is it?
“I’m struggling with my emotional compass” I told her. “What is it really telling me?”
I read her an email exchange with one of my correspondents:
It’s a toughie is this because I am told to follow my emotional compass to guide me as to what action if any to take and then, on the other hand, I’m also told to expand my universe by going beyond my comfort zone.
So when I feel uneasy about something (uneasy is probably a under-descriptive word) how am I supposed to know whether to ‘go for it’ cos it will expand my universe or follow my emotional guidance and ‘stay clear’ of it because it’s not something I feel good about.
Essentially, my own current decision rationale boils down to a couple of things:
First, Whatever it is in life I’m looking for it’s ‘out there’ not ‘in here’ so stopping in at home isn’t much of an option so that’s a vote for GFI. There is the problem that I’m not sure what ‘it’ looks like so even when I find it I’d might just walk past without spotting it so there IS some necessary work to do inside too but that’s just a bit of time management.
Secondly, there is a massive difficulty in telling myself the absolute truth. The program/ego/IT thing is very tricky and might just tell me one thing to enhance it’s own perceived safety as opposed to treading uncharted paths to potential danger. I can only go from experience here in that whilst doing the parachute jump regardless; whilst allowing myself to get in to a relationship with a beautiful blond expecting almost immediate rejection; and the countless times I’ve dragged myself out, often uninvited – that there are engaging and rewarding experiences to be had which have brought countless benefits and, when I think about it, much happiness and excitement to what I often regard as a quite boring and unexciting person.
Each time I have ignored what I might regard as my emotional compass but when I am honest with myself, and this is very very hard at the time, the emotional say No Don’t Do It was really just a bit of fear of the unknown or more honestly maybe, fear of failure, hurt and rejection. By the way, to many ‘normal’ people they regard parachute jumping as the most reckless and courageous on the above list: I can tell you, it was the easiest, by a long way!
So on many occasions, what I would regard as my emotional compass wasn’t really telling the truth and on the surface wasn’t necessarily showing me the true heading as what I really wanted was to feel the excitement of jumping, in and out of a plane with a parachute; in and out of bed with a beautiful blond (pink haired at the time actually); in and out of a social circle that wasn’t focused around me. They all ended up being GREAT events and when, as now, I still want more, my emotional compass is still giving me a negative reading!
I have lost my trust in this emotional compass so when it says No, I’m looking for the real reason, is it fear? And when it says Yes I’m asking myself does it just want to stay safe and not risk strolling into an area of emotional discomfort where I may get rejected, again, or possibly worse in that I may wish to do some rejecting myself?
Is it telling me No to realise my desire to be gentle with myself and those around me? Is it telling me Yes because I could do with some much desired human comfort, interaction and uplifting which would be mutually welcomed but more of a need basis rather than one based upon unconditional love?
What IS it saying? Why is it saying it? Why do I over-analyse absolutely everything!!!
Looks like another vote for GFI, doesn’t it? … but then again … I don’t want to hurt or be hurt … oh I don’t know … WTF, see what happens next!
The reply to that email from my correspondent was succinct:
Perhaps, (in the words of a yogi),” There is no peace in the Himalayas and there is no noise in the city”. It is all inside ourselves, and the fear, or not, about going out, or not going out, doing stuff, or not doing stuff, is just de-fluffing the metaphorical belly button. It really is all about living in the NOW. It sounds to me as though that was what you wanted/tried to do, but your doubts and self absorption just got an upper hand. It is easier to live behind a mask of our own making and nothing makes that mask faster than fear.
You seem to have found some exhilaration and a sense of freedom or is it desperation! It doesn’t matter which, you don’t need anyone’s permission, not even yourself, oddly enough! If you focus on the fear about something, what do you bet … it will turn into some other feeling ??
Interestingly … relationships are about opportunity, not obligation.
She listened, and offered: “Maybe you have to tell whether it’s the difference between ‘ego’ struggling for survival and your real emotional compass and the excitement of growth.”
“But ‘the information’ seems to be saying that I should do whatever I feel comfortable with, so how does that expand my universe if I stay within my comfort zone?” I ask but as usual, before any reply I lob in a little nugget: “I was difficult for you to say what you did to me but you still said it. It was difficult and uncomfortable for me to say what I did to my parents and I had to do that too Both were Necessary. But was it Kind? Was it Gentle?”
She said, “The difficulty lies in that their aren’t ‘equipped’ to handle it like you are … well I suppose you weren’t when I told you but you are more so now.”
I revert to possibly a victim’s observation: “During the time you were ‘equipping’ yourself over the past few years, when things have got tricky for you, you always had me for comfort and company when you wanted it. You could always rely on me for that closeness, I was too blind to realise the mechanism and how it all came to a head only when you yourself were ready. I, on the other hand, have been rather flung into this pit.
“I gave you my power, as you have pointed out to me, I expected you to be responsible for my well being and you are no longer willing to do that. I was leaning full weight on you, so when you stepped aside, there was nowhere for me to go except down, with my arms flailing like a helicopter looking for something or someone to hold on to.
“If I had been standing on my own two feet like you were when you stepped aside, my arms might still be be doing the helicopter bit but at least I would still be standing.
“Whilst you were finding your own feet and ‘equipping’ your self over the past few years, you still kept me there there to lean on whenever. You still allowed me to take some responsibility over your own well being for comfort, cuddles and love to the degree you wanted. Now you say I make you miserable!”
It’s interesting to look at my thoughts when I said that and afterwards.
I genuinely wasn’t angry. Envious maybe and I had the sensation of being used and manipulated but it was honestly all totally observational. I don’t bear any malice at all. OK I wish circumstances were different but we work differently anyway. She was able to do it ‘her’ way, I might not have been able to do it that way.
Maybe it could only ever have been under these circumstances, with this metaphorical jackboot up the arse: all in a frenzy; with all this intensity and passion; with all this gut wrenching angst; being crushed.
Maybe I had to disappear into those depths in order to gain the momentum to rise up.
And what pops out?
Well, a ‘new me’, I suppose, looking at new life possibilities.
A new relationship? Yes, indeed, but the important bit is that it is a new relationship with my self. A great relationship! Intimate and loving.
And a great relationship with someone else? Yes, that is my desire and what I want. I know I can be a part of someone else’s happy life experience and I know someone can be part of mine too. A part which is free from responsibility. A part which is dominated by joy.
Who with? Well, I am entirely open to possibilities old and new. The more I look over the last few years as they were the more I see how that wasn’t what I wanted and neither of us were happy very often.
In the highly unlikely event it is with her it would be very different. Is it with someone I’ve met in the past? Someone I know now met with recently or a while ago? Someone I’ve yet to meet? I don’t really know. But I DO know it will happen.
Still some training to go through I suspect with new challenges daily along with blunderings and blubberings.
As I continue to put it out there and allow the synchronicities my world is all the more exciting. I get to know myself more; I get to be myself more; I get to love myself more and it all gets mirrored back.
Time to go practice…