… and as usual, I initially disagree with Them, the Universe and Everything and am carried along by those that love me kicking and screaming until I get it! Is it that I am by nature combative? Resistant? Questioning? Suspicious?
Or just a Seeker of the Truth, albeit misguided by himself and a bit lost at the moment, and in order to do that feels the need to consider multiple possibilities.
Maybe I’m just argumentative and like the mental rough and tumble of a discussion.
Them: are one of my correspondents and my counsellor. He was delighted when I walked in and displayed a bit of gumption about recent happenings. I suppose it was seen as a turning point from being totally subordinate to showing at least a little bit of resistance to being shoved around by her and showing some desire for self determination.
My correspondent, I think, was coming from the position that it was good and natural to get some of that emotion out of my system rather than continually bottling it up, suppressing it and just hoping it would fizzle out over time.
The Universe: is my recent reading as much as anything else. I have repeatedly noticed that burning issues have been created for me over the past few months since my first chat with her and I have been reading from various books that have either been given, lent, borrowed or bought.
The crazy and ‘coincidental’ thing about it all is that although it all seems overwhelming – I must have nine books one the go at the moment, yes NINE – that whichever I pick up is the one I discover another nugget to flip, switch, enlighten or completely mind-blow my little self.
I have, as my previous post discussed, been struggling with what I have termed my emotional compass and in the book by Gill Edwards, (Life is Gift) she talks about the Emotional Ladder where various emotions are at a higher vibration or greater resistance level. As ‘anger’ appears three rungs higher than: fear, grief, depression, disempowerment and despair feeling anger at this stage is a darn sight better than that lot and a definite movement UP the ladder towards: Love, Joy, Passion, Trust, Gratitude. Enthusiasm, Clarity, Freedom, Intuitive Knowing and Empowerment. Hey, I’m up for some of that!
The discerning criteria of the assumption is that the anger is an upwards move and in truth, but again going from the ‘ladder’ illustration the emotions: overwhelm, worry, disappointment and doubt are above anger which is why I initially saw it as being a downwards step as those were the feelings predominant for much of recent weeks.
In truth, however, it’s all been a bit up and down the old ladder and I have had glimpses and experiences of the whole lot, such has been my roller coaster ride: I’ve been running up and down the bloody thing like a mad window cleaner with his bucket still on the floor.
All that said, the anger I have been feeling, again to my counsellors delight, has been about small trivial things like small amounts of money, her ability to just turn up as and when she wants and inject herself into my life in her own time and at her own convenience when I cannot do that to her or avoid it when it happens. When she does, if it’s not OK with me, I can’t express myself or function sensibly, jibber and tend to run out the back to sanctuary.
This anger stems from my inability to respond in a pleasant manner, the loss of self control and my inability to constantly be the wonderful person I know I am and help co-create our magnificent relationship despite showing early signs of doing do. It isn’t really any anger directed at her, though initially it looked that way.
So there you go I even managed to turn that one around: I’m angry with my self again, self-critical, judgemental and all the rest of it – poor me, poor me, pour me another hemlock! Nah, just kidding!
I don’t want to feel angry, it hasn’t helped me in the past and I don’t think it will help me now though I do see the merit and psychological marker of being irked by the detail and little things as opposed to dwelling on the BIG things that have consumed my thoughts recently.
The emotion feels to me like such a weakness and contrary to how I know I can be and want to be.
This weblog is however, an OPEN book, as it were, and though I might try to cover up and suppress uncomfortable or unwanted emotions in myself to myself in order to function throughout my day and get to sleep at night, (more of this in a later post) it does me no service than to be other than honest and open in this space.
My thoughts are much in the fashion of the ‘Serenity Prayer’
Great Spirit, please help me
to access the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage and willingness to change the things I can,
and the wisdom and clarity to know the difference
Yes, I suppose feeling a bit of anger is a step forward (upward) though I still would insist calling it ‘irked’ rather than ‘angry’. Hopefully my confidants and the Universe will allow me that!
This week has been an amazing shifting week for me with many profound realisations coming from ‘left field’ for wont of a better place to call it. This has happened as a result of me … err … taking the foot off the gas, leaning back and sort of … err … stepping into the flow! <cringe: new age jargon>
At this present moment other things encroach into my life; mundane things like keeping promises, stabilising income of much required cash and doing a couple of ‘me’ things later this afternoon like visiting a friend and cooking a curry so the blog has to wait.
Rest assured, the flux is well active and intermediate goals are being realised in a wonderfully joyful manner where I am scarily on the edge and beyond my comfort zones.
I feel so vibrant and have allowed a couple of comments to come into my life which obviously on a base level level massage my rather shattered and damaged ego and on a higher and more significant level to me show me that something genuine is happening in my life:
- a genuine thank you and a wrinkle of a nose from her when I gave her a heart felt gift when we met recently. A ruby crystal to to bring nurturing, positivity and success in her life along with requited passion and love in her private moments;
- a “ps I like you, it’s not a crime” in a text from a friend;
- “Thanks for the chat yesterday – my friend and I are still friends.” From a customer in a work situation; and most unexpectedly
- “You really are lovely – you shine with such a brightness!” from a different friend in a work situation.
Well knock me down with a feather!
“I want a plane ticket please”
“Sorry, you can’t have a plane ticket, this is a railway station” said the man at the counter. “And if you can’t show me the ticket for the journey that got you here you will be holding up the train for everybody else. Now go easy on yourself, go easy!”
That was my waking dream yesterday morning.
This morning’s was equally profound, more lucid and longer but, darn it, I didn’t write it down like I should have done and it has now escaped my conscious mind. It will still be in there somewhere and I trust I will follow it without even realising but I did want to share – ho hum.