It has been nearly a week since I’ve written but that is no indication of inactivity … not at all. If anything it has got more so I just can’t seem to allocate the time.
My sleep level has shrunk even further and whenever I try and get grounded or centered I slip into unconsciousness – she suggested this might be the case and she is probably, as usual, correct.
I’m not doing it to be unconscious, I’m doing it to become conscious! Why does it all have to be so flippin’ Zen?
There have been times of super elation and times of super despair and I really am having difficulty coping with both really.
I have an aversion to mediocrity at the best of times so the up-down nature of my emotions sort of suit me in an odd way and I have actually harboured thoughts of feeling what I understand to be ‘HAPPY’ – how paradoxical is that? I’m going through a most tumultuous time in my life with:
- the breaking down of my marriage to someone I am even now still convinced is my soul-mate;
- I have long been spending more money than I have earned and the crows and vultures are coming home to roost;
- my self-esteem has for as long as I can remember been non existent
- the business I was running with her has failed to meet it’s goals and is now in liquidation
- I feel as if I’m trudging through life as if I am trying to swim in marshmallow
… and then the next moment:…
- I feel more ALIVE than I have ever felt
- I have connected with things in me which I actually feel LOVE for
- I am excited about the next day … no the next MINUTE!
- my RELATIONSHIP with my close family has skyrocketted, even with her in many ways
- my relationship, in a positive way, to myself (my SELF?) has done also
- I have started to treat my mind and body with a positive RESPECT
- I am taking active steps to address my mental attitude to life and my well-being
- I feel LESS INSECURE
- I feel MORE in CONTROL
- I have found an element of PEACE with myself and am experience GENTLENESS
All because my wife told me she wants to leave me.
See how it is?
Don’t suppose that’s very ‘gentle’ is it? No.
The sleep deprivation has the useful effect of allowing the emotions to surface and I have the feeling that time is so short.
I’m clamouring for time with my children as if these are our last moments and I’m trying to regain lost time and opprtunities to bee with them.
Why haven’t I been with them in the past?
Have I been in prison?
Have I had to work away from home to earn loads of money for their upkeep and to keep our so called ‘standard of living’?
Oh yes … it HAS been a prison, and yes I have buckled under the weight of expectation to be THE PROVIDER though I realise now that these were things I mistakenly put upon myself with the ideas of over riding duty to my parents and family trying to satisfy all needs.
For all those years, I rejected the very things I loved and wanted to care for most deeply and in doing so gave the no real love and little care. This includes my ‘self’.
How did I benefit from this exile from my family? I didn’t.
How did they benefit? They didn’t.
Is it all for a reason and can we attain benefit now? I hope so, and if I can actually stop crying then maybe I will think of how …
oh yes … lessons … that’s what they were.
Just noticing them is one thing, learning from them and taking appropriate action is another thing.
The magnitude of the consequences of my actions from my mistaken and wrongly understood beliefs has shattered my very soul into existence as I try to regain and rediscover purpose in continuing with my life.
I have found it is all around me … at my very fingertips … in this house which I have let fall into total disrepair along with all the people in it.
I am fighting so hard … fighting SO hard to mend it all and realise as the poem by Mary Oliver, The Journey, says there is only one life I can save and that is my own.
I have to stop thinking of myself as someone else, because I cannot mend his life or save him. I have to think of myself as being ‘Me’, but when I do the overpowering sense of failure and guilt is … well ‘overpowering’ for goodness sake … and this is what it looks like!
Gentle now my child … gentle … please be gentle … you haven’t been listening … listen to the people you have talked to … they love you and you just don’t see it … you don’t see or recognise your own love in you self … why else would you feel this way if you didn’t love yourself .. see that and then you will see it in others … they keep telling you to sleep … you are so impatient and you are not being gentle … this is why you struggle so and feel so much despair … listen to what your people say … you have asked, so listen … and be gentle … stop tearing at everything … you have more time than you think … you are making the people around you hurt just like you are making your self hurt … be gentle … go and practise.