Posted by: funkydeez | March 11, 2009; 7:10 am

Missing in action …

Inaction? …

It has been nearly a week since I’ve written but that is no indication of inactivity … not at all. If anything it has got more so I just can’t seem to allocate the time.

My sleep level has shrunk even further and whenever I try and get grounded or centered I slip into unconsciousness – she suggested this might be the case and she is probably, as usual, correct.

I’m not doing it to be unconscious, I’m doing it to become conscious! Why does it all have to be so flippin’ Zen?

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There have been times of super elation and times of super despair and I really am having difficulty coping with both really.

I have an aversion to mediocrity at the best of times so the up-down nature of my emotions sort of suit me in an odd way and I have actually harboured thoughts of feeling what I understand to be ‘HAPPY’ – how paradoxical is that? I’m going through a most tumultuous time in my life with:

  1. the breaking down of my marriage to someone I am even now still convinced is my soul-mate;
  2. I have long been spending more money than I have earned and the crows and vultures are coming home to roost;
  3. my self-esteem has for as long as I can remember been non existent
  4. the business I was running with her has failed to meet it’s goals and is now in liquidation
  5. I feel as if I’m trudging through life as if I am trying to swim in marshmallow

… and then the next moment:…

  1. I feel more ALIVE than I have ever felt
  2. I have connected with things in me which I actually feel LOVE for
  3. I am excited about the next day … no the next MINUTE!
  4. my RELATIONSHIP with my close family has skyrocketted, even with her in many ways
  5. my relationship, in a positive way, to myself (my SELF?) has done also
  6. I have started to treat my mind and body with a positive RESPECT
  7. I am taking active steps to address my mental attitude to life and my well-being
  8. I feel LESS INSECURE
  9. I feel MORE in CONTROL
  10. I have found an element of PEACE with myself and am experience GENTLENESS

All because my wife told me she wants to leave me.

FUCK!

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See how it is?

Don’t suppose that’s very ‘gentle’ is it? No.

The sleep deprivation has the useful effect of allowing the emotions to surface and I have the feeling that time is so short.

I’m clamouring for time with my children as if these are our last moments and I’m trying to regain lost time and opprtunities to bee with them.

Why haven’t I been with them in the past?

Have I been in prison?

Have I had to work away from home to earn loads of money for their upkeep and to keep our so called ‘standard of living’?

Oh yes … it HAS been a prison, and yes I have buckled under the weight of expectation to be THE PROVIDER though I realise now that these were things I mistakenly put upon myself with the ideas of over riding duty to my parents and family trying to satisfy all needs.

For all those years, I rejected the very things I loved and wanted to care for most deeply and in doing so gave the no real love and little care. This includes my ‘self’.

How did I benefit from this exile from my family? I didn’t.

How did they benefit? They didn’t.

Is it all for a reason and can we attain benefit now? I hope so, and if I can actually stop crying then maybe I will think of how …

oh yes … lessons … that’s what they were.

Just noticing them is one thing, learning from them and taking appropriate action is another thing.

The magnitude of the consequences of my actions from my mistaken and wrongly understood beliefs has shattered my very soul into existence as I try to regain and rediscover purpose in continuing with my life.

I have found it is all around me … at my very fingertips … in this house which I have let fall into total disrepair along with all the people in it.

I am fighting so hard … fighting SO hard to mend it all and realise as the poem by Mary Oliver, The Journey, says there is only one life I can save and that is my own.

I have to stop thinking of myself as someone else, because I cannot mend his life or save him. I have to think of myself as being ‘Me’, but when I do the overpowering sense of failure and guilt is … well ‘overpowering’ for goodness sake … and this is what it looks like!

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Gentle now my child … gentle … please be gentle … you haven’t been listening … listen to the people you have talked to …  they love you and you just don’t see it … you don’t see or recognise your own love in you self … why else would you feel this way if you didn’t love yourself .. see that and then you will see it in others … they keep telling you to sleep … you are so impatient and you are not being gentle … this is why you struggle so and feel so much despair … listen to what your people say … you have asked, so listen … and be gentle … stop tearing at everything … you have more time than you think … you are making the people around you hurt just like you are making your self hurt … be gentle … go and practise.

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Posted by: funkydeez | March 4, 2009; 9:16 pm

Playing the Game …

… if I pretend hard enough …

I may just believe it’s true for myself.

There is merit in keeping busy and walking everywhere: there’s not much time for anything else.

I’ve been reflecting on the last couple of hectic days what with all the realisations and coming-to-terms’s and particularly upon her comment: “What would it look like if you DID understand and WASN’T confused!”

I wrote: I’ll give it a go, and I suppose today was the first of those goes. Though my counselling session this morning did mention it we did not dwell too much except to mention how dire our financial situation had become over the past few months. I found out yesterday that we owed MIL and daughter some 2500+ which I didn’t know about which she used to either support the business or pay general bills.

Financially, she has been looking after things for the past couple of years and I had proved to be a bit profligate. I was content to do this and just concentrate on generating it over our costs. This became difficult (impossible) and thereby her job was also so.

However, I didn’t take too much of a close look and didn’t do much adding up of my own which I accept I should have done. I had a feeling were getting into a worse position but thought that this was at the expense of company creditors and not from borrowings from close family, every time we used a card for business I thought whoever it belonged to was paid off when the cash came in some 48 hours later – obviously not.

This money issue is possibly no more than a catalyst of her decision to leave but it must have a significant contribution to her “Loss of faith in me,” she mentioned and her saying  “I just don’t buy into it any more: the ‘it’ll be OK when we do such and such or something else might happen.'”

I must say that I was often just trying to convince myself as much as anyone else that we could turn things round if only we started to work effectively together but as time went on, either one of us, or both of us were feeling a bit down about the business  situation and very infrequently were we both up about it at the same time that the whole situation at work became untenable. Consequently, when she said she wanted us to separate it wasn’t that much of a hard decision to let the business go and break that particular dream bubble.

In doing so, I recognised that it should have been shifted that way a long time ago and her warnings went unheeded by me and undiscussed at any length and in fairness I’ve been reviewing recent ‘goal sheets’ and there is little evidence of such an attitude from either of us.

Both of us were kidding our selves and each other. She ‘bought’ into what I was ‘selling’ and I ‘bought’ into what she was ‘selling’.

A tough lesson to spot and a tough one to learn if ever there was one.

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The day for me started at 6am with a grounding meditation and an exploration of my chakras whatever and wherever they may be. Grounding med was pretty good and the chakra search was interesting if for nothing else than for their illusiveness! It wouldn’t have been so bad if I hadn’t perceived anything at all but I obviously did feel something and the book says practise gets better results, so practise I will.

I’ve got to admit to feeling a bit weird doing this, all by my lonesome but it is really useful to bounce my experiences off her when I get the chance though I perceive that she may be getting increasingly uncomfortable and impatient about it because I am so much a novice and sometime ask brainless questions.

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The day featured a lot of walking but not much working, or so I thought, but when I look back at it I probably did as much of that as I would have done if I still had the ‘Unit’ with all those overheads to pay. A handful of business calls, a couple of quotes and about 400 in orders and got a promise of some more which kept the day well profitable. Considering I spent much of it drinking coffee, reading poetry, talking about myself to various medical practitioners, meditating, cleaning, shopping and washing up, it can’t be bad.

Whilst at the doctors discovering that I am at my lowest weight for … err, well donkey’s years having lost 14Kg in 2.5 months – still look like a pudding though! Blood pressure was a bit high and he talked to me about ‘stress’ even though I went for something completed different. He didn’t realise that I have reduced my stress level from a few gazillions to quite a bit under a zillion over the past month and relatively speaking it ain’t that bad.

Got to admit also that the “What would it look like if…” process seems to be having a calming effect and helping me with ego stuff etc. Just you watch … what with saying that I’m bound to go off the rails any moment!!!

Nah! Just kidding 😉

Going to finish off the day with a few more chores, a short visit to the pub and a bit more work after: I’ve got to write to my customers to tell them how wonderful I am and what a fantastic service they’ll be getting from me.

We worked on the letter together and it’s probably the most productive and mutually contributory thing we’ve done in years. Was it because I was genuinely listening and she was genuinely thinking I was listening? Anyway, we mulled a few ideas around and came up with consensus remarkably quickly with both of our independent ideas being incorporated in some way and acknowledged by each other.

Erm? Why the surprise? Isn’t it supposed to be like that?

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The Divine universe is a crazy place: there I was talking about me struggling with the concept of ‘light’ during my meditations, yesterday. I said, “I just can’t see it!” Huh??? “… So I’ve started to look at all meanings of the word from the obvious photon bits to ‘Not being so heavy about everything’ and walking lightly about the place.” My friend looked very blank and unfortunately my shoes squeak which just adds to the general hilarity of my plight.

So what does the universe deliver? Today, ALL the kitchen lights fail, I have to go out and get some more lamps as the fittings are all shot, I went a-conquering with my youngest son and bought two. Consequently, it is now ten times brighter in there and so much more welcoming (though it does also show up the horrible bits more) AND I discover at the doctor’s that I am actually half a stone lighter than I thought I was!

There’s light for you boy! Look, even the people reading this are laughing with you and feeling lighter. Mmm … maybe you were even doing it gently too without realising it!

Posted by: funkydeez | March 3, 2009; 12:40 pm

In the Mind…

Delayed submission from Monday early morning, kept till Tuesday and heavily edited as what happened later that day was a bit weird.

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Continual analysis is really tiresome …

Err … now we’re not exactly breaking new ground here are we! This is something I keep getting told and reminded of: “You think too much!”

I have been getting a bit immersed in the thoughts of my current situation. I am very content to have shifted my work home and even though I’m not sure my heart is in the actual type of work the means to an end is attractive as long as it is in sync with what I want to achieve personally and just doing it for about four hours a day with the occasional check on email or telephone call later in the day is absolutely perfect and is/will allow me space to discover ‘new synchronisities’ !

Yes, I can see why that space can be useful now.

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During one of our chats, I picked up of the phrase ‘doing something regardless’ and asked about the use of the word regardless which I took to mean ‘without looking’.

She said she took it to mean ‘despite considerations’ and how something can be worth doing because of it’s fantastic benefits even though it annoys you that the people involved may be raking it in as in isa for instance, I still have that consideration and I still want to go and do that.

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I’m struggling with ‘gentle’! Not surprisingly.

I feel I am having to restrict what I say so it doesn’t provoke. This does have the advantage that what I do say is better thought out, or at least that was the intention but in practise the reality is less so, for example:

She said: “I’ve made a Veg Chilli.”

I said, “I’m not hungry.”

Why on earth did I say that? I was really pleased she had cooked … it really helped the family thing … it showed she still felt involved … she specifically told me because she was showing that she accepted I was involved too … and so I show how raw I was feeling by snapping “I’m not hungry.”: What a sad and self suffering man, look at me, I’m so unhappy I don’t have an appetite, not even food will make me feel better.

Now all this is true but ‘I’m not hungry’ is hardly using any creative energy to set an example except of how ‘not’ to do it.

I wanted to log this just to show the unconscious cynical mind that I have been living with and dragging her along with. Does it show any change? Well not going from that demonstration, no; but then again my own internal reaction to saying it was interesting.

The background is relevant: I was outside clearing rubbish and leaves from outside the house and she had come out to say “Found yourself a Forth Road Bridge job to keep you out of mischief?”

“I’m just doing what I think needs doing.” And I thought that was a bit of a trite response and noted that I should maybe should have just smiled. The thought in my head was sort of “Yes” actually and I said, “Doing this was supposed to stop me from thinking …” The unsaid finish to the sentence obviously meant it wasn’t working! 

About half an hour previously someone else also said something similar: “Doing a thankless job there!” they said.

I don’t have a problem with not being thanked though I do like it when it happens it’s equally if not more useful if it doesn’t happen because it gets me to question my motivation: am I doing it to be

  • appreciated,
  • recognised,
  • thanked,
  • wanted,
  • feel important

Just because the leaves will blow back doesn’t mean they don’t need clearing still otherwise why would anybody get washed? You’re only going to get dirty again! Absolute nonsense.
Anyway, you can see the potential for a slow crash occurring in our initial words.

I stopped my unconscious sweeping and followed her inside.

“Sorry. The correct response to ‘I’ve made a Veg Chilli’ is ‘Ooh great, I’ll have some later. Thank you!'”

I did have some later, it tasted great and I texted her to say so.

Another interesting thing about the exchange was my attitude to myself for putting my foot in it a bit.

I, eventually, noticed and instead of thrashing about in self criticism, I just said what needed to be said to try and make amends. I was glad I came out with ‘I’m not hungry’ because it’s bluntness helped to show me a direction of where I can work. It showed me what ‘not gentle’ was and it allowed me to discover what ‘gentle’ would look like.

OK, I wish I’d said the 2nd thing instead of the 1st, but that trick might show itself in Lesson 2!

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I forget so easily.

I have let my meditation practise slip and have noticed how much better I feel about our situation (not just about her wanting to leave me but the house, work, myself etc) after doing some grounding meditation and just sitting.

Blogging alone doesn’t do it. Yes it externalises, is cathartic and really helps me fix and discover my realisations but sitting changes my whole being.

Do I accept what is happening and her decision? Well, yes in a way. I accept that as I was and as she was our relationship should not continue and I would concede that if nothing changed then the decision and conclusion would remain the same but it just plainly hasn’t and what was valid before isn’t necessarily valid now.

Work situation has changed; money situation ha changed and this man has recognised so much over the past month because the whole process has mad him click and shift in a totally different direction with a new focus and purpose.

These aren’t just old considerations surfacing. I’m not trying to prove anybody right or wrong, wise or ignorant, good or bad. I am not trying to trick anybody, not her, myself or any others. It is just as it is: different, and as such MAY lead to different conclusions.

It of course may not – I don’t know. We are still not telling each other everything: our goals and our desires. We haven’t checked the alignment. She is only going off what she ‘thinks’ I want and suspects that I’d just say ‘yes’ to everything that she wants to keep the status quo. This is not true and it assumes I am just a sheep and I’m being kept in the daaaaark.

This is obviously a training ground and would we have gone through so much just  to pack it in or could it be that we are giving ourselves the opportunity to make it how it can be, how it should be?

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‘Letting go’ is one thing but if something is of magnificent value and potential I think it is worth reviewing under a new light to see if we are both willing to realise that potential together or if these recent moments are just a swan song glimmer of despair.

We didn’t find each other just to give ourselves a hard time. Was the relationship always destined to be doomed? I know we did it how we did it – I now want to do it how we could have done it. Much of our time together has been very one sided, towards me unfortunately, and it is very much time that that balance is redressed towards her. It will continue to be out of kilter as we over compensate and then it will find a point of equilibrium. I have a feeling that it would be all so incomplete without the redress but maybe that is just me again wanting to be in control of the situation, or maybe not I don’t know. I am confused,

It seems to me that we have a glaring opportunity to take advantage of her creative action and leap onwards and upwards. That action created a further creative action and deserved a further creative response. That response may be the same as before, or it may be different. Neither takes away from the other in validity.

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“I don’t understand. I’m confused.” I keep saying.

“You don’t have to be able to understand. You don’t need to know how a telly works in order to use it or enjoy it. There’s too much information and I have an eternity,” she said. “What would it look like if you DID understand? What would it look like if you WEREN’T confused?”

Interesting. I could just pretend for a while. Then I may see the benefits it brings and then end up believing it and it will then become TRUE for me.

Is such an approach being honest and true to myself? Well maybe not, but it IS BEING CREATIVE and I’m willing to give it a shot.

Meanwhile, what would it look like if we accepted that the Universe wasn’t mistaken by putting us together in the first place?

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Posted by: funkydeez | March 2, 2009; 11:58 am

Bringing it down to the ground…

Simple really if I just take out a little time to myself…

She has been helping me with my desire to re-connect with the things that I’ve put down for so many years. I know that a lot of my actions over the years have not been ‘Me’. I accept that it was ‘Me’ that did everything, thought everything and reacted in that way causing an unacceptable amount of damage.

I have over the years told myself I was not worthy of anything, including her company, any good luck seemed to come by accident and I was always so entrapped with my own lack of belief in myself that I ignored any opportunity to pick anything up and grow.

I see this as a result of a misconceived idea of what I was doing it for and why.

The work side of my life had taken over – the stress the fear of impending doom coupled with moments of delightful optimism and reasoning just kept breathing life into it and was the only thing I thought that was keeping me going.

In truth it was her continuing support and my clinging on to unrealistic grains of hope – the downturn has helped bring a bit of reality home and her telling me she wanted to end our relationship finally helped me kill it off, and good riddance!

She said she’d bought into it, my idea that it could succeed and she says she had faith that it would be able to be turned round. So did I, but ‘buying in’ to something presumes someone was trying to ‘sell’ something. I suppose I was – I had to have a reason to turn up and in doing so totally lost the bigger picture and totally lost my opportunity to grow with her in a way I see could have been had I listened and taken a leap or two.

Basically, if I’d listened, not just to her, but to me … my self … the self within me.

I never thought it was appropriate to think of my self or what it really wanted.

There was a time when I just ‘WAS’ but that wasn’t too clever either because it was so directionless.

What is left is a need, a desire to find further purpose and uncovering my inner self (soul or whatever) is part of that most necessary journey.

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There have been glimpses but I find it very difficult just to sit quietly.

She has introduced me to Grounding of my Physical Body. It is a short meditation technique which I have since done a couple of times.

It’s great how I am noticing how I think whether I am doing well or not,; am I doing this right?; how should I be feeling.

All this self feedback analytical point scoring underpins how I always seem to do things. I’m always asking “How am I doing?”

My blog title refers to it!

After one session, I told her I was feeling a bit down, sort of sad but not in a way I have felt before. Not depressed just … “More present?” she said, That’s what being grounded feels like. You are not sticking yourself in your worries of the future, sadness of the past or other stuff like that. You just are … being!”

Mmm. It does feel strange … and a rare feeling.

I said,”I always thought that my not over-reacting to events and situations was me being grounded. People do remark that they think I am even though they also say I’m a bit of an ‘air head’ in that some of my ideas, thoughts and sayings come from odd directions.”

She said, “That’s just your emotions. Suppressing them takes away your own guidance mechanism: your compass. If you don’t know how you are feeling and how strongly what chance is there of knowing which direction to take?”

“Err … I don’t! I just thought I was doing whatever I was doing because I thought it was the right thing to do because it was being expected of me.”

Ultimately in any discussion with her or my parents over the past years has always come down to needing money to pay for things not what I wanted to do or how I was feeling about doing it and certainly also not about what SHE wanted to do and how SHE was feeling about what she was doing at the time.

Seems like a missed opportunity there if only we’d noticed. If only I’D NOTICED and listened and didn’t unerringly keep on with the relentless “It’ll be OK if ‘this‘ happens” mantra.

If only I’d reconnected with my inner self again.

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What is it like?

Well, I still don’t know. I’m working on it as well as all the other things like trying to be financially productive; trying to come to terms with what seems to be my inevitable marriage breakdown; coming to terms with knowledge of how I have deteriorated over the years and brought my family into my own lack of self belief, lack of self-esteem and lack of love.

Is my inner self taking last place again?

Not if I can help it matey. I’m not letting go of that – it’s worth fighting for. ‘Me’ is worth fighting for.

OK OK OK don’t forget the ‘Gentle’ now will you!

Alright.

`What is that ‘me’? That inner self?

He’s quite playful really. Loving and affectionate, kind and thoughtful.

Also it is gentle which has allowed it to be so easily suppressed by a brash egotistical vein which has in itself been allowed to be manipulated by those around me (unconsciously I would imagine) which has left me totally lost.

With each meditation session I feel stronger and more in tune but I do keep forgetting to engage in this process which is bringing immediate benefits to how I view my situation and handle my thoughts and emotions.

Ho hum. More work required mister.

I’m going to seize the moment and have another go now! Sod work!!

[hour out listening to music and being with my son]

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The key component?

Well, I still don’t know what in truth I do want. If I did know, I have forgotten. I never wanted anything for myself I don’t think, not ‘things’ anyway but one of the biggest aspects missing is any clear goals

Simple.

How can I get anywhere if I’m just aimlessly wandering about.

I suppose I’m happiest not having to decide which direction to go in, I’m quite happy to follow – is there anything wrong in that? Well yes, if I haven’t got the presence of mind to know when what I am following is wrong like I have been doing for the last goodness knows how many years and even when the signs were really bad and the love of my life almost pleaded with me I STILL DIDN’T FUCKING SEE.

Oh, sorry for the swearing. There are still some thought patterns I get into in which I have not obviously come to terms with my sadness.

I need to get down to who I am, what my self is asking to be and use my skills to deliver. I know I can and the more I distract myself away by doing work the more elusive it gets but I need to live and feed my family.

Get grounded, pethia (child in greek) … be gentle … take your time … . let it flow through you … give it grace … be who you are and not what you think other people want you to be and love who you are … be gentle Demetri, be gentle .. ask for strength … ask for help … you are not as alone as you think you are, your never were and you never will be … your sadness is just your thoughts hurting … be gentle … be gentle … what you think you want is not what you want … you are so generous you think you have given everything and you don’t know what else there is to give … you have an abundance .. you have … but you have to be gentle … ‘how do i ask?’ … just ask pethia, I will always be here … you have to listen and be gentle … you expect too much too soon … you have to realise that people love you for who you are and not for who your are not and you have to love yourself for who you are … other people will follow with you … you do not have to be afraid … you are not alone, and never will be, honestly … how did she say it? ‘Trust the process, trust the process’ … but most of all be gentle … ‘I feel I have a debt to pay back’ … be gentle … you cannot live your life through another you have to live your own life, child and you cannot live somebody else’s life through you … you cannot give anybody else your life, you can help them yes, be of devotional service but you cannot live their life for them … ‘what about love?’ … love yourself first child … you concentrate too much on the physical, it is important but not that important and comes later … be gentle pethia … you are wonderful, well done … keep it up … ‘ I feel cold’ … you need to feel that light you find so hard to imagine, breathe it in, fill your heart … ‘I don’t know where my heart is!’ … it is there child, be gentle be gentle sigha sigha slowly slowly … keep working … keep listening … keep being alive with passion but most of all, be gentle … ‘I still feel cold’ … be gentle … ‘I still feel lonely’ … why … ‘because she isn’t with me’ … what makes you say that? … ‘she wants to leave me’ … she will always be with you, she said so, trust her … ‘I trusted her before and she lied’ … trust her, you created the lie not her … listen … be gentle … go now and practise.

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by Joan Armatrading

Willow

I may not be your best
You know good ones
Don’t come by the score
If you’ve got something missing
I’ll help you look
You can be sure
And if you want to be alone
Or someone to share a laugh
Whatever you want me to
All you got to do is ask

Thunder
Don’t go under the sheets
Lightening
Under a tree
In the rain and snow
I’ll be your fire inside
Come running to me
When things get out of hand
Running to me
When it’s more than you can stand
I said I’m strong
Straight
Willing
To be a
Shelter
In a storm
Your willow oh willow
When the sun is out

A fight with your best girl
Prettiest thing you ever saw
You know I’ll listen
Try to get a message to her
And if it’s money you want
Or trouble halved
What ever you want me to
All you got to do is ask
I said I’m strong
Straight
Willing
To be a 
Shelter in a storm
Your willow oh willow
When the sun is out

Posted by: funkydeez | February 28, 2009; 9:58 pm

Breaking: the Tradition…

So much for being a gentle man …

I’m just reminded of my father’s father: he was a gentle man – with a glorious lightness of touch, very kind eyes, which often as mine are doing at the moment, welled up with tears at the sight and thought of his loved ones. He spent much of his time separated from his own family because of the WWII when his family were still living near Athens, Greece and he was over here n mine sweepers. An active war experience: he was never responsible for anybody’s death, only for improving their survivability by helping to clear mines. A man with silent charisma, he was treated by his comrades during his long engineering career on ships with more than the greatest of respect. A pillar of the crew, never gave up on his duties, was always kind and loving to his fellow man going out of his way to help in extraordinary circumstances and never forgetting his family going through their struggle back home.

A tough act to follow as far as my dad is concerned and even more so for me.

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I have this notion of not quitting, not giving up and never leaving anyone behind, however hopeless the situation.

This means that much of what I do or touch eventually breaks. I do things to destruction:

  • the brush that broke when I was clearing ice at my MIL’s house
  • the snow rake, doing the same at my mother’s house
  • a wooden spoon I was using to clear a pan of some stuck on rice
  • various screwdrivers (one of them my grandfather’s) that I still keep and use
  • loads of bits of machinery that became worn out but still keeps going in a fashion
  • err … my relationship with my wife…
  • with myself…
  • with my dreams and my life

Everything, basically.

I don’t know when to give up on something, I do it to destruction in the name of loyalty and service, tenacity, stubbornness or whatever.

She said she sees it differently: “It’s like raising the altitude of the plane before hitting the mountain.”

Now, essentially I don’t disagree: that is a different and much better way of looking at it, it is great to take control of the plane and raise the altitude to avoid hitting the mountain but for me jumping out of the plane at this time is not an option.

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I have an immense passion. Once I get hold of a subject or idea Ii just don’t let go. I work it to destruction and then go beyond. It happens in the small things in my life and it has happend in the big things in my life. Over and over and over and over again – and again some more!

Now they say that if you don’t get the lesson the first time, you get the same lesson presented over and over again until you do, and each time it gets more pointed. A recent Teacher I had, asked: “Did you ever notice that the tap on the shoulder gets harder and harder until you actually turn round and take notice?”

Err … with my repeated doing things to destruction? No I didn’t notice until just last week and so far I haven’t broken anything this week (but there’s still time!)

So how long is that then: 46 years and 8 months. Breaking has become the norm, it is now ‘the tradition and it is time now to Break with the Tradition and stop breaking things! (Isn’t our language great!)

____________________________

What is the mechanism then?

Basically it’s the combination of my passion, lack of awareness or taking due regard for other things or people and their true nature.

If I’m not careful, I will take the intensity of my recent discussions with her to destruction and she’ll get really pissed off.

The answer?

Well, OK I’m working on that one as I type … err … I suppose it to start being GENTLE:

  • Gentle in the way I speak, my intonation, the words I use
  • Gentle in the way I behave
  • Gentle when giving out my love
  • Gentle when giving out my support
  • Gentle when giving out my happiness and joy
  • Gentle when giving out my sadness
  • Gentle with her
  • Gentle with myself.

If I am gentle, I will not break things.

I have for many years learned how to walk lightly but I now see that that is not enough in itself an indication of being gentle, it is only a slight manifestation. I have to learn this, there is no option. It is the only way I will be able to be the real me and when I get it

  • I will see how things really are.
  • I will allow my passion to be heard, appreciated, loved, welcomed and wanted.
  • I will be the man I know I am and want to be.
  • I will be able to fulfil my purpose, and use my creative energies and conscious behaviour to make my life work setting an example so others can follow and in turn set themselves free.

In response to someone who had complained about my behaviour during lunch at an isa Experience many years ago, my Teacher at that time said: “Oh yes, him. He has passion … sometimes a bit too much passion!”

So simple; so clear and yet though I never forgot his words I never understood their meaning until last week.

Not just him though, lots and lots of people have been telling me, particularly recently, to be gentle on myself especially.

I wish I was more passionate about actually listening to and taking notice of what people are saying, especially her!

There you go! That’s not being gentle or honest, is it!

Over this past month, I HAVE been passionate about actually listening to and taking notice of what people are saying, especially her!

____________________________

I have taken that step. It is a rocky road and I will have to tread carefully, indeed gently. I will need to practise relentlessly and allow myself to listen for feedback whilst at the same time doing the whole process gently with myself.

I’m currently averaging over a few days about 3-4 hours sleep, last night I didn’t get any sleep at all but did doze for about an hour this morning.

This is not good; it is not being gentle with myself and, although the sleep depravation may be having the desired effect of me being able to get close to my emotions, it is getting a bit in the way of me functioning and getting dangerously close to breaking the process, our regular chats and my ability to continue to work on myself.

I have to be wary of taking too much on at the same time, though this has been very much forced by her uncompromising current point of view and intention and I have no option but to take on all these life changes at the same time, trust me, it is not my choice: I’m quite happy to drop and shift the working pattern and I’m quite happy to be finished with the ‘old’ relationship if truth be told but I would rather it be with the genesis of our ‘new’ relationship of how it can be and should be, allowing the balance of focus to be where it should always have been.

I accept that at this moment, she may actually still be in love with me in a fashion but doesn’t actually ‘fancy’ or like me at all in order for her to want to be with me. This is not unusual and I had hoped that the bond of marriage would carry us both through this time but I also accept that it has been a particularly harrowing time for her (as it has been for me too) and she has given herself a inner resolve which she is using as a mark of her own integrity and so cannot be flexible or maintain an ability to respond to changed circumstances.

I understand.

I have to be really gentle now and allow for time in this new phase for things to happen and take shape in my life and for those around me. When words become actions and we look at ourselves in a warm spring and summer light rather than in the cold depths of winter darkness which our relationship has been stagnating in, maybe we will realise the potential we have always had but not used … and then again, maybe not, maybe the grass is greener or maybe she doesn’t care how green it is as long as it’s different!

____________________________

The Tradition has continued for far too long and this is another thing I have broken.

Along with our marriage, I have broken my own spirit long ago and finally broken hers too. She has mended hers over the last couple of years, I missed the opportunity then and have climbed onboard too late.

We can say, however, that both our spirits are now being mended and now growing being listened to like never before. My challenge at this moment in time is to be gentle with my own spirit despite that damage I have done to it, I cannot force anything to mend or work, I have to nurture it; to allow it to grow; to learn; to listen to it; and to practise, practise, practise

Well, I’m on my way.

Posted by: funkydeez | February 28, 2009; 5:49 pm

So Don’t Play with Fire…

… and Putting Out the Fire With Gasoline

I really don’t know where to start with this one cos it’s a bit of a toughie … so I might as well start at the beginning.

When I first met her she had a boyfriend on the verge if not already splitting up. They’d recently been on holiday but during that time she’d decided that it wasn’t for her anymore and had decided to end it even though it was pretty clear he didn’t want to.

After our first night or two together, she said it was only proper to come clean with him and finish with him properly, face to face but thought it might also be a good idea to spend another night with him, I suppose that date might have been pre-arranged though I didn’t ask.

At the time I remember saying that she should do what she felt was for the best but I also started to muse the David Bowie track which featured the line “Putting out the fire with gasoline…” and explained that if he was hurting, sleeping with him once more and then dumping him would possibly hurt more.

Moving on in time, we find ourselves in a similar position, don’t we!

She has taken to selectively not answering my calls or responding to my texts and has explained that she’s decided to do it differently.

It is clear that she is actively discouraging our further contacts which is really tough on me but cruel to be kind springs to mind because she is, again, probably right. I/we must get used to the emotional detachment, probably sooner rather than later and keeping me hanging on with the niceties of a loving relationship is possibly just putting out the fire with gasoline! We will of course have to communicate regularly, we still have financial commitments, share a house and are both active parents but these contacts I appreciate will start to be on a more ‘professional’ basis.

This is, I feel, possibly my greatest most noticeable loss: the loss of my friend who I just called and texted to say “I Love You” or “Good Morning” or just a plain “Hi!” or even give a running commentary on what was happening. We didn’t really spend much time together but we did chat alot and I will so very much miss it, and am doing already.

The sense of loss and loneliness is really so strong. My best ever friend; my trusted confident; my link to the real world outside my tormented mind.

What am I going to do?

She is strong, and it’s one of the things I so admire her for. I am actively trying to create some of that strength in me and indeed she is helping me with my meditation and re-discovering my inner spirit, and it IS working!

But … there are still many moments, when … well … you know it’s beyond feeling sorry for myself. It’s like a bereavement, only worse. When someone dies, you can communicate with them in many different ways, but this is like call barring! The rejection … the silence … the waiting to be heard … the hanging on till the message service kicks in … and then the monotonic response if there ever is one.

More pain being endured here folks. I’ll come back round soon … I know I will. But to lose such a friend … …

everest … quick … EVEREST!

________________________

Posted by: funkydeez | February 27, 2009; 11:39 am

A Fly in the Abyss…

An imagined conversation with an old Teacher on the way down to the pub the other night…

“Hey! It’s _______. How ya doin’?”

“Oh, I’ve been wallowing in the abyss and thought it was time to knock on the door.”

“Great! What was it like?”

“Oh, you know … shit: warm, comforting but sort of smelly. Good for the complexion though!”

“Who told you that?”

“A fly – 600 billion of them can’t all be wrong!”

“Do flies have a good complexion?”

“They have big eyes.”

“Maybe so, but they don’t see too well. Tell me, how long do flies live?”

“Oh I don’t know, maybe a few days.”

“… and how long do you live?”

“Oh, I don’t know but it’s longer than I’d sometimes expected.”

“Yeah, right. So they only stay in the shit for a short time, and you… you been in it for years and years and years. Have you thought that ‘Now’ might be a good time to get out of the shit?”

“Indeed … that’s why I knocked on the door.”

“Come in, and … err … make sure you wipe those feet … don’t want no shit being brought into this house!”

________________________

I am going to the ISA Experience again for the first time in 16 years which was the last time I was even remotely ‘awake’.

It starts on Thursday 26th March at 7pm. It continues Friday evening, all day Saturday and all day Sunday in Harrogate, North Yorkshire.

It’s going to be great.

The information I had learned, but seldom used, has helped me choose how I will continue to be now I have seen so many thing during this last month. It will help me create my life how it should always have been. It will assist me in creating the relationships with myself and others I know that we all deserve. It has shown me that I am not as alone as I’d thought, I have great potential and have the creative energy to move on and fulfil my purpose should I choose to do the necessary work to use it. I have learned that don’t have to rely on anyone else for my well-being – I sure as hell didn’t need anybody else to help me feel bad about myself, did I! I did that ALL on my own – in spades!

Wow! All that for £345 – what a bargain!

I invite anybody to come and join in – you’re worth it … and now, I know I am too!

Posted by: funkydeez | February 27, 2009; 11:13 am

Absent without leave…

Not being able to find the words …

Here by way of demonstration is an extract from one of my blog correspondents:

– How are you doing matey. All very quiet this week?? 

____
– Struggling a bit.

Thinking too much

Wishing too much

Living in a flippin fantasy land

I could go on

I’ve got my creditors meeting tomororw, I feel like I’m going round the bend and my wife wants to leave me because I’m no further use to her and a hinderance to her well being.

I know how she feels

____

– Why have you perfected the art of making me laugh when you are feeling so low ?? That is along the same lines as you wanting to leave yourself !!!!

Keep the positive thoughts going mate (or at least get them going again !!) and good luck with your creditors tomorrow …

 

Not showing much sign of progress or change there, are we?

I want to be open and honest in this journal and this last week I have struggled to find the words and set aside time to express the colossal realisations I still keep having minute by minute. So varied and far reaching.

I said, “I keep getting echoes.”

She said, “Notice that they are getting less frequent and less intese.”

“They are getting MORE intense, it’s the cornered, wounded animal theory as they lash out in ever more unpredictable directions with such ferocity.”

Many of our, now less frequent, ‘chats’ still have an portion when I show how I have gained a further understanding of how she must have been feeling during much of our relationship previous to a month ago. These moment are usually very intensely emotional for me and I still continue to let that emotion show at the real risk of taking away energy, but it just seems REAL to do so, HONEST to do so and if nothing else does show her and myself of the depth of understanding I have been coming too.

I have also come to realise that however she was feeling about me, I WAS ALSO FEELING THE SAME WAY ABOUT ME TOO, and often worse because that’s how I continued to do it.

As I have written before, the treatment I dished out to others was amplified when it came to dishing it out to myself. But also as said before THAT DOESN’T LESSEN THE IMPACT – on either of us.

She has over the recent past come to terms with it and has come to a conclusion as to how she wants to do the rest of her life (without me).

I, on the other hand, have only just been enlightened to the way I was doing it and during that time the feelings I got manifested themselves in both physical and mental ill-health with no sense of purpose or anything.

I must have been hell to be near me whilst this was going on, and it was hell for me too, though I didn’t know why – I do now and have this immense feeling of regret and guilt that I could have treated the people I cared for most in my life in that way: to see me slowly deteriorate in a mass of self loathing. I also have that same sense of regret and guilt to myself too.

I have resolved to make it up and shift. She isn’t prepared to wait for that eventuality but in a way, I am lucky: I have to stick with myself and I will continue to grow and become the sort of person I have always wanted to be but not allowed to be by both myself and the people I cared for around me, including her. I refuse to give up on myself, thought I do have my ‘dark’ moments when I consider otherwise.

Yes. I too want to leave that person, but I have realised that the real lesson and my real purpose, for me at least, is not to leave but to stick with it … stick with me … the real me … the me that I know I am: use the experience, use the learning, LIVE the experience and LIVE the learning, and apply my creative energies to make that shift and that way I won’t have to come back and have to go through it all again – my spirit and soul will move on to further lessons.

Boy, does this feel good! I’d so quickly forgotten the benefit of this blog.

_______________________

I have had so much ‘stuff’ going on this last week.

Over the next few entries, I will be writing shorter pieces so that I can review them for subject matter easier. They might even be easier to read too.

Posted by: funkydeez | February 20, 2009; 7:50 am

Healing the Damaged Goods …

If anything I am more damaged than her over these years, she seems to be well on her way to recovery.

She has a route out.

What route do I have?

____________________________

“I have died!” I said, “And you were the executioner – I gave you the ammunition and the armoury to do it and I went willingly.

“I’ve died, and now I am reborn and you as much as anybody else knows how painful birth can be.”

This is my route out.

The reading.

The listening.

The sitting and being in connection with my spirit, my true self. Not hanging on to the belief that my possessions, skills, successes and failures are me but merely ‘trappings’ and boy do they trap!

The waterfall isn’t the river, it’s part of the river. The shore isn’t the land, it’s just part of it and the waves that come crashing onto it isn’t the beach it’s just part of it that happens.

I am not what I regarded as my possessions, like my family, my friends or my wife. I don’t need any of them to be whole, they are just things that are around at a particular moment of my life which if I have the wisdom and vision, I will happily, YES HAPPILY, watch unfurl.

She talks about cutting the chord of my attachment to her and the negative thoughts around our separation. She says it’s like an umbilical chord. I said I didn’t want to do that.

She said, “Of course not – because you’re feeding off it.”

I’m still so raw but when I get in touch with my higher self, true self, divine spirit (I’m not sure what to call ‘It’) I feel as the healing process is well on it’s way.

I have enough information at hand, intellectually now.

One of the important ones for me is ‘that what I wish on someone else, IMMEDIATELY becomes so for me.’

Do I wish her a happy contented life, meeting the challenges it brings head on with cheerfulness, excitement, vivacious laughter, generosity of spirit, in abundance of joy, gentleness and lightness, acceptance, using her creative power to set an example for others to follow and allow them to set themselves free too?

Yes.

Do I wish her an intimate, intense and happy relationship with a significant someone she is comfortable with, can give the love she has in abundance to, receive it back in the way she is content with, give that physical experience to someone who she can lift up to see above the clouds and have someone lift her up to do the same like she did to me for so many years?

Yes!

Do I wish her fulfilment on her journey for her own spiritual destiny, a journey into the infinite wonder of knowing, of giving, of loving, of trusting, of just being?

Oh Yes!

Do I still wish I was there with her all the way?

Yes, I will be there with her all the way, but mainly in spirit because that is where our destiny appears to lie.

Physically we will always have a relationship as the parents of our children and having been lovers and companions for many years of shared experience: not all good but by no means not all bad either. We have shared more than half our lives together and we will continue to be together, just differently and in a more congruent and mutually supportive way.

She will be magnificent – I will be magnificent – we will be magnificent: using our creative power to shift out of unconsciousness.

_______________________

Are we there yet?

Nah! But we’re getting there.

That old pokey ego thing will no doubt show it’s face again, probably sooner rather than later but it will have to stop wasting it’s energy flogging the dead horse and get on with something a bit more interesting, less predictable and supportive of my creative sprit where it will probably come in very handy instead of getting in the way and causing such inertia.

Hey! We can still have fun with this, there’s no reason not to.

_____________________

Lots of work to be done.

Lots of ‘good stuff’ to pass about.

I’m really excited, energised and rearing to go though I could probably done with a couple of hours in bed.

_____________________

Posted by: funkydeez | February 20, 2009; 7:07 am

Hard Days Night…

This is not getting any easier…

It has now been as many days since our initial chat as it has been years from our initial chat.

It’s getting close now, the acceptance is slowly coming, the tiredness taking over. I don’t like it, it’s not my choice but it is happening, so tough.

Again, I’m having another sleepless night, mostly filled up with trying to scavenge some work from my failed business but in truth just avoiding coming to do some more writing.

____________________________

It has been so tough this week: the realisations and revelations have been cascading from a torrent to a waterfall and now it is just deafening.

I’m being tested from all sides.

The caged and wounded animal (my ego no doubt) is lashing around in it’s final throws just clambering for a sense of self preservation.

The lower self keeps resurging and I hate myself for it.

My higher self comes through and I love myself for it.

Holding that second one is … is … aaaaarrrrrggggghhh it’s gone again.

____________________________

This over analysis is doing my head in but I need it to move on, the realisations of my the way I have done my conscious life so far has allowed me to look inside to take a glimpse of the real ‘Me’.

The Me that doesn’t always keep a look out for what’s happenong and what people are thinking about what I’m doing.

I have had such an elevated attitude of self importance without the feeling of self worth.

My mind and life is full of contradictions and paradoxes. it is all INCONGRUENT no wonder I’m in such a state most of the time.

____________________________

I keep crying uncontrollably and then feeling elated and worthy during our conversations, it really is very strange but maybe to be expected. My part of this process of our breaking up has happened over such a short time whereas she has pondered it for years.

I am full of shame and regret that I just took her for granted that she wouldn’t break our solemn vow that we took together.

This week has been one of extremes where at one moment I feel great, and accepting about what is happening to thoughts that one way to keep our vow whole the till death do us part thoughts kick in. Lucid thoughts of how, justifications of why and visions of the aftermath made me take out the samaritans number, but I didn’t call – I just sat for a while, not meditating, just feeling so very numb, helpless, desperate, worthless and so, so lonely.

Every scene just sets me off, looking at one of the kids, thinking about my love and how it is all over. I’m not tender – I’m raw.

The inner, and sometimes outer, screaming is getting more and more intense as ‘IT’ realises it is all a losing battle and can’t cope with the consequences. A cornered enemy fights it’s hardest just before the end, and boy is it putting up a battle.

____________________________

Conversely, my learnings are phenomenal. Working on my inner spirit IS getting somewhere, even my meditation hasn’t been so chaotic.

I’m keeping my agreements and pushing harder to challenge my pre-ordered way of thinking. A recent chat highlighted a very uncomfortable area which has since created a greater understanding of my self.

I said, “I was always there if you wanted to come for comfort or a shoulder, I wanted to be the one you could use.”

“Why would anybody go towards someone that kept telling the that they’re STUPID? Why would they?” was her tearful answer.

Now just think about that for a moment … … …

… … …

The nastiness.

That hate.

That disrespect.

That insecurity

The Jealousy

The fear.

NONE OF IT WAS HERS

It was all me … directed at me … through her.

Just like my intense feelings of love towards her attempting to have it returned because I couldn’t find anything about myself worthy of loving.

It was all my own opinion of myself. I didn’t mean it to be directed at her at all … it was just a symptom of my illness which is only recently being attended to and a symptom of my blinkered sense of duty to all things outside my own control – I was trying to MEND everything at the expense of trying to save the only thing I could (ref: The Journey poem)

Whilst things were relatively comfortable or manageable she maintained at least some sense of faith and optimism about my capabilities but as that side started to flounder into chaos, the debts became uncontrollable it contributed a sense of urgency to move on,get out and take control of her own destiny because I was basically a bad job and there’s no point investing time, money or love in a dead donkey.

Low self opinion? No, just stating a fact. Man the lifeboat time, I didn’t understand it at the time but she once looked into my spirit and said “You die”, I looked into hers and said “You live”. I thought it was a game at the time and didn’t give it much thought – well it’s no fucking game anymore and I should have thought more about it instead of just allowing my ego to run wild. What a fool.

CONVINCED YET?

Indeed.

She kept the faith for years and eventually, the constant self battery I gave myself both directly and through her eventually convinced her and she has given up, and I don’t blame her.

I was relentless.

Unending in my self depracation.

Tenacious, if you will.

I gave it to myself FAR WORSE THAN I GAVE IT TO HER.

“I don’t think you’re stupid, and never did. People have different skills and you didn’t have some of the ones that I found easy. I didn’t think you were stupid but the frustration came out so easily because on the stress I have been under all my conscious life. I didn’t mean it. IT WASN’T ME BEING THE TRUE ME, IT WAS A SYMPTOM, of conditioning, of stress, of my illness.”

“You’re probably right,” she said, “But it didn’t lessen the impact.”

So true., it didn’t lessen the impact.

I didn’t really mean to hurt myself so much, there has always been reasons and excuses but none of it has lessened the impact of it’s effects on ME either. The impact has been relentless and catastrophic.

Such damaged GOODS –  there is nothing left in that body but damaged BADS.

______________________________

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