… “Don’t forget to use your psychic protection!”

Huh?

Steady on, now, what’s all this about?

And after doing a bit of reading and asking I realised this is a technique she had been using with me frequently very recently during our chats and when she reads my blog and when she has been with in particular my dad. She mentioned it when I asked her how she managed to cope with all the stuff being thrown at her and still remain so calm outwardly, and indeed inwardly.

It was suggested to me before I joined in with a group meditation and healing session. There of course would be others, similar to me with ‘stuff’ going on, emanating in a seriously uncontrollable way. Leaking stuff, quite unwittingly and unintentionally everywhere which could be potentially picked up and taken on.

I was aware of this possibility myself during a previous healing when I apologised (I just can’t stop myself yet) and she said she had a barrier where the healing energies get through but the stuff coming out doesn’t. I looked into her eyes and face and saw that  was true. I said “No way would I wish any of this on any other, especially not you after … ” She said, “It doesn’t happen that way, don’t concern yourself with it, let it go.”

I suppose, if she knew me better she would have told me to ‘be gentle’ but she didn’t need to because I already had that whispering in my head over and over.

(Revisiting this now as I write brings the moment back again and I am being a bit restricted in what I can do right now and have stopped thinking with any focus or clarity. I’ll have to come back later to finish in order to honor the instruction to be gentle with myself. These entries to this blog are becoming less frequent but oh so more profound and visiting this ‘operating theatre’ frequently is a real struggle … got to go.) [4th May, 12:29]

to be continued…

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… also the day after my Greek grandmother’s birthday.

Significant for both of us in many ways. A time with both of us getting in touch with the past, long distant, archaic and magical.

Just after my English grandmother died, we went to a local stone circle on the moor top at Beltane Eve (April 30/May 1). She was pregnant with our eldest. A small group of us all took wood to burn, quite a long walk, uphill. We lit the fire in the circle and played music chatted and did what we did in those days. I burned the flowers from the vase I took from my recently departed grandmother and felt her presence and comfort.

We walked back in the dark, sensing lay lines, we were spooked by a group of galloping horses randomly roaming the moor in the peace we had disturbed which sparked of the greatest song the current band had. ‘This Revelation – happens to be true’.

It was a truly magical time: we were in love.

5 years or so later, we married on May 2, the closest we could get to that day which coincidentally was close to my other grandmother’s birthday, whose ring she wears. A truly magical time, and we were in love.

17 years after that, it is still a truly magical time though I can no longer celebrate the day to commemorate our marriage, but neither can I mourn it though that love for each other died. As in all death it has just reverted to a different energy and light.

Beltane announces the start of the Summer, it is a deeply sexual and fertility driven time and is fitting for our relationship for the wealth of life and energy we created together, not least in our four children.

Life and times which have brought the most profound physical and emotional joys and times, like recently for me and possibly for a long time for her, times which have brought intense emotional pain and physical discomfort.

I have no regrets at our marriage decisions. They were decisions made for love and truth and honesty for the purposes of joy, not necessity or duty.

It drizzled as she got out of the car – it turned into a beautiful sunny day later; she looked stunning; we vowed; we spent time with our friends and relatives; we danced and danced some more; we made love and made love some more.

Beltane is still of course a time of sexuality and fertility, regardless of our current situation with each other.

It is truly a magical time. A cusp has been reached in my whole framework of thinking. A love for my ‘self’ is growing and now, though I don’t really ask myself, if I did, I would even believe that love is genuine.

Fertility lies in the vibrant nature of my realisations and growth towards a move away from analysis to understanding and just ‘being’ with myself and the world around me, as it is; and loving it, as it is; and discovering joy in it, as it is.

Passion lies in starting to rediscover my sexuality and I am slowly beginning to allow my self to be open, trusting, loving and playful again. Daring and dangerous whilst allowing myself the glory of blundering.

I trust similar things are happening for her and I am truly, truly joyful in that knowledge.

Our relationship started in Autumn and we kept ourselves well warm then and through the winter.

We bonded again in Spring time and re-bonded again in Spring years again later.

We had a good Summer.

The Autumn went by unnoticed by me as all the leaves slowly fell off and it didn’t really perceive the beauty associated with most Autumns.

The Winter was long and hard and came at the end with a painful, hard and destroying deep, deep frost which killed everything, including a ‘me’ which neither of us could live with.

Now as individuals, Spring has, magically returned. Things are all renewed, look clean, joyful and the Summer is a-coming in!

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I keep getting told it’s OK to be angry …

… and as usual, I initially disagree with Them, the Universe and Everything and am carried along by those that love me kicking and screaming until I get it! Is it that I am by nature combative? Resistant? Questioning? Suspicious?

Or just a Seeker of the Truth, albeit misguided by himself and a bit lost at the moment, and in order to do that feels the need to consider multiple possibilities.

Maybe I’m just argumentative and like the mental rough and tumble of a discussion.

Them: are one of my correspondents and my counsellor. He was delighted when I walked in and displayed a bit of gumption about recent happenings. I suppose it was seen as a turning point from being totally subordinate to showing at least a little bit of resistance to being shoved around by her and showing some desire for self determination.

My correspondent, I think, was coming from the position that it was good and natural to get some of that emotion out of my system rather than continually bottling it up, suppressing it and just hoping it would fizzle out over time.

The Universe: is my recent reading as much as anything else. I have repeatedly noticed that burning issues have been created for me over the past few months since my first chat with her and I have been reading from various books that have either been given, lent, borrowed or bought.

The crazy and ‘coincidental’ thing about it all is that although it all seems overwhelming – I must have nine books one the go at the moment, yes NINE – that whichever I pick up is the one I discover another nugget to flip, switch, enlighten or completely mind-blow my little self.

Emotional Ladder (p44 Life is a Gift, Gill Edwards © 2007)

I have, as my previous post discussed, been struggling with what I have termed my emotional compass and in the book by Gill Edwards, (Life is Gift) she talks about the Emotional Ladder where various emotions are at a higher vibration or greater resistance level. As ‘anger’ appears three rungs higher than: fear, grief, depression, disempowerment and despair feeling anger at this stage is a darn sight better than that lot and a definite movement UP the ladder towards: Love, Joy, Passion, Trust, Gratitude. Enthusiasm, Clarity, Freedom, Intuitive Knowing and Empowerment. Hey, I’m up for some of that!

The discerning criteria of the assumption is that the anger is an upwards move and in truth, but again going from the ‘ladder’ illustration the emotions: overwhelm, worry, disappointment and doubt are above anger which is why I initially saw it as being a downwards step as those were the feelings predominant for much of recent weeks.

In truth, however, it’s all been a bit up and down the old ladder and I have had glimpses and experiences of the whole lot, such has been my roller coaster ride: I’ve been running up and down the bloody thing like a mad window cleaner with his bucket still on the floor.

All that said, the anger I have been feeling, again to my counsellors delight, has been about small trivial things like small amounts of money, her ability to just turn up as and when she wants and inject herself into my life in her own time and at her own convenience when I cannot do that to her or avoid it when it happens. When she does, if it’s not OK with me, I can’t express myself or function sensibly, jibber and tend to run out the back to sanctuary.

This anger stems from my inability to respond in a pleasant manner, the loss of self control and my inability to constantly be the wonderful person I know I am and help co-create our magnificent relationship despite showing early signs of doing do. It isn’t really any anger directed at her, though initially it looked that way.

So there you go I even managed to turn that one around: I’m angry with my self again, self-critical, judgemental and all the rest of it – poor me, poor me, pour me another hemlock! Nah, just kidding!

I don’t want to feel angry, it hasn’t helped me in the past and I don’t think it will help me now though I do see the merit and psychological marker of being irked by the detail and little things as opposed to dwelling on the BIG things that have consumed my thoughts recently.

The emotion feels to me like such a weakness and contrary to how I know I can be and want to be.

This weblog is however, an OPEN book, as it were, and though I might try to cover up and suppress uncomfortable or unwanted emotions in myself to myself in order to function throughout my day and get to sleep at night, (more of this in a later post) it does me no service than to be other than honest and open in this space.

My thoughts are much in the fashion of the ‘Serenity Prayer’  

Great Spirit, please help me
to access the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage and willingness to change the things I can,
and the wisdom and clarity to know the difference

Yes, I suppose feeling a bit of anger is a step forward (upward) though I still would insist calling it ‘irked’ rather than ‘angry’. Hopefully my confidants and the Universe will allow me that!

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This week has been an amazing shifting week for me with many profound realisations coming from ‘left field’ for wont of a better place to call it. This has happened as a result of me … err … taking the foot off the gas, leaning back and sort of … err … stepping into the flow! <cringe: new age jargon>

At this present moment other things encroach into my life; mundane things like keeping promises, stabilising income of much required cash and doing a couple of ‘me’ things later this afternoon like visiting a friend and cooking a curry so the blog has to wait.

Rest assured, the flux is well active and intermediate goals are being realised in a wonderfully joyful manner where I am scarily on the edge and beyond my comfort zones.

I feel so vibrant and have allowed a couple of comments to come into my life which obviously on a base level level massage my rather shattered and damaged ego and on a higher and more significant level to me show me that something genuine is happening in my life:

• a genuine thank you and a wrinkle of a nose from her when I gave her a heart felt gift when we met recently. A ruby crystal to to bring nurturing, positivity and success in her life along with requited passion and love in her private moments;
• a “ps I like you, it’s not a crime” in a text from a friend; 
• “Thanks for the chat yesterday – my friend and I are still friends.” From a customer in a work situation; and most unexpectedly
• “You really are lovely – you shine with such a brightness!” from a different friend in a work situation.

Well knock me down with a feather!

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“I want a plane ticket please”

“Sorry, you can’t have a plane ticket, this is a railway station” said the man at the counter. “And if you can’t show me the ticket for the journey that got you here you will be holding up the train for everybody else. Now go easy on yourself, go easy!”

That was my waking dream yesterday morning.

This morning’s was equally profound, more lucid and longer but, darn it, I didn’t write it down like I should have done and it has now escaped my conscious mind. It will still be in there somewhere and I trust I will follow it without even realising but I did want to share – ho hum.

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“Is it kind? Is it necessary?”…

After reviewing the isa Experience, I felt a bit … err … despondent (?), no that’s the wrong word … flattened (?) – better.

Now I come o think of it I felt the same way I did after working on my ‘Grounding’ meditations. The sensation of being grounded was so unusual to me it actually felt like sadness at first but she pointed out that it was just a bit of reality hitting home as opposed to me living in a dreamworld of Hopes and Chances.

The usual ‘popping’ from the isa Experience looks like overt joy, happiness and gladness with all and everything and people tend to come up and ask “What are you on?”

It wasn’t like that for me this time but the effect was none the less profound and became all too clear for some as I have started to come to terms with and learning about the concepts of:

• responsibility over blame
• no right or wrong
• going beyond forgiveness
• there are no accidents, not even little ones
• I create my own reality: heaven and hell and numbness
• life is a gift
• seeing goodness in all life
• getting in touch with my emotions and what they actually represent

I could go on but I may be in breach of copyright somewhere!

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It looked all rather too harsh to mum and dad when I spoke to them at first. It went something like this: “I want to come and see you because I want to come and see you. Not because I should, be obliged to or have a perceived responsibility to. Surely you would want me to be here because I want to be, not because I’ve been emotionally blackmailed into it?”

Well words to that effect anyway. You can probably see how it didn’t go down too well!

But hey! She told me worse just a couple of months ago, with no reprieve at all! The only idea of us meeting up she gave was, “Of course you’re not never going to see me again. I’d still like to have a pint and a game of pool with you now and again, and anyway, we’re still parents of the kids!” … Errr  “Cheers love!” … <thunk!> as I hit the ground and tumble into the abyss!

She had expressed concern to my mum a few weeks ago: “I hope he’s kind to you.” Mum didn’t really understand and mentioned it to me. I was at that time, but I had to say what I said with my newly found clarity after the Experience.

I spoke to her later and said I though I’d sounded a bit forthright but it had to come out that way to barge through the obstruction.

Nobody really knows the pain I have felt from the confinement I’d allowed myself to endure. I don’t think I explained nearly well enough. I have written about the ‘prison’, the ‘stress’ and the ‘darkness’ of not having any windows in the last place I worked. It was in all year round Seasonally Affected Disorder mode. Those same conditions however were present for many years before that, physically and metaphorically.

I’ve no doubt that she felt similarly too but the real nub of her sadness was probably seeing me continue through mine regardless of how many times she tried to help me out of it. That must also have caused her intense pain, to watch her loved on treat himself like that. An alcoholic, drunk on guilt.

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Now I’ve done it and said it. Albeit with the assistance of her dumping me but nevertheless it’s done, and yes … I thank her for it, I do: because it is giving me the release I so desperately need.

The attachment I had to my dad was very deep rooted. It had been touched upon years ago when I was first doing the isa Experience 18 years ago. It came up regularly particularly in the ‘Intensive Training’ and again with my talk to Ole in France when I went to spend time with him.

I’d told him that I regarded my dad as my teacher. We exchanged little after that and now I understand why: he saw what I didn’t … he saw what she was going to be up against.

Finding the words was never going to be easy. He was bound to wriggle and struggle just like I had kicked and screamed when she told me she wanted to leave me. My mum was also bound to be influenced by his bile.

Much of it has to do with an idealised view of a family orientated culture. One he didn’t even act out himself.

He emigrated to the UK in 1952, following his brother. He released himself of any responsibility to his own parents many years ago with the exception of a weekly phone call and an occasional visit/holiday when money afforded it. He told me he did that to make them happy. I always thought it was to go on holiday, but I was just a child then! (!!!)

Along with his brother, he’d put thousands and thousands of miles of separation between his parents and their beloved grandchildren and only now is he realising what that pain can be like.

Maybe some of his own father issues stemmed from his wartime experiences. His house was used as a German officers’ billet from when he was 6 years old for the next four years.

Whilst his own father was away ‘at war’ for those years who were his role models? Witnessing a cruel, callous and bullying regime so close to home it was actually IN his home: summary execution of totally uninvolved civilians; bullying tactics between officers and men beyond reason. All in front of a 6 year old for the following four years – the horror, the fear: where was his father to protect him?

Oh yes, he will no doubt have father issues too. Maybe I should rename this blog: “HITLER: His Part In My Downfall!”

Maybe in time we might talk together about some of this. I would like to, but I am no longer allowing myself to take on any responsibility for his well-being anymore. He never even asked for it, I just thought he expected it and as the years have gone by, he has.

The way I’d set it up was for either of two things to happen, either:

• he would retire with loads of cash rolling in
• he would die

… and THEN I would be able to concentrate all my efforts solely upon her and our children. Or of course the other alternative would be that I would die trying.

Well, no more.

Not palatable is it?

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“I’m struggling with my emotional compass” I told her. “What is it really telling me?”

I read her an email exchange with one of my correspondents:

It’s a toughie is this because I am told to follow my emotional compass to guide me as to what action if any to take and then, on the other hand, I’m also told to expand my universe by going beyond my comfort zone.

So when I feel uneasy about something (uneasy is probably a under-descriptive word) how am I supposed to know whether to ‘go for it’ cos it will expand my universe or follow my emotional guidance and ‘stay clear’ of it because it’s not something I feel good about.

Essentially, my own current decision rationale boils down to a couple of things:
First, Whatever it is in life I’m looking for it’s ‘out there’ not ‘in here’ so stopping in at home isn’t much of an option so that’s a vote for GFI. There is the problem that I’m not sure what ‘it’ looks like so even when I find it I’d might just walk past without spotting it so there IS some necessary work to do inside too but that’s just a bit of time management.

Secondly, there is a massive difficulty in telling myself the absolute truth. The program/ego/IT thing is very tricky and might just tell me one thing to enhance it’s own perceived safety as opposed to treading uncharted paths to potential danger. I can only go from experience here in that whilst doing the parachute jump regardless; whilst allowing myself to get in to a relationship with a beautiful blond expecting almost immediate rejection; and the countless times I’ve dragged myself out, often uninvited – that there are engaging and rewarding experiences to be had which have brought countless benefits and, when I think about it, much happiness and excitement to what I often regard as a quite boring and unexciting person.

Each time I have ignored what I might regard as my emotional compass but when I am honest with myself, and this is very very hard at the time, the emotional say No Don’t Do It was really just a bit of fear of the unknown or more honestly maybe, fear of failure, hurt and rejection. By the way, to many ‘normal’ people they regard parachute jumping as the most reckless and courageous on the above list: I can tell you, it was the easiest, by a long way!

So on many occasions, what I would regard as my emotional compass wasn’t really telling the truth and on the surface wasn’t necessarily showing me the true heading as what I really wanted was to feel the excitement of jumping, in and out of a plane with a parachute; in and out of bed with a beautiful blond (pink haired at the time actually); in and out of a social circle that wasn’t focused around me. They all ended up being GREAT events and when, as now, I still want more, my emotional compass is still giving me a negative reading!

I have lost my trust in this emotional compass so when it says No, I’m looking for the real reason, is it fear? And when it says Yes I’m asking myself does it just want to stay safe and not risk strolling into an area of emotional discomfort where I may get rejected, again, or possibly worse in that I may wish to do some rejecting myself?

Is it telling me No to realise my desire to be gentle with myself and those around me? Is it telling me Yes because I could do with some much desired human comfort, interaction and uplifting which would be mutually welcomed but more of a need basis rather than one based upon unconditional love?

What IS it saying? Why is it saying it? Why do I over-analyse absolutely everything!!!

Looks like another vote for GFI, doesn’t it? … but then again … I don’t want to hurt or be hurt … oh I don’t know … WTF, see what happens next!

The reply to that email from my correspondent was succinct:

Perhaps, (in the words of a yogi),” There is no peace in the Himalayas and there is no noise in the city”.  It is all inside ourselves, and the fear, or not, about going out, or not going out, doing stuff, or not doing stuff, is just de-fluffing the metaphorical belly button.  It really is all about living in the NOW.  It sounds to me as though that was what you wanted/tried to do, but your doubts and self absorption just got an upper hand. It is easier to live behind a mask of our own making and nothing makes that mask faster than fear. 

You seem to have found some exhilaration and a sense of freedom or is it desperation! It doesn’t matter which, you don’t need anyone’s permission, not even yourself, oddly enough!  If you focus on the fear about something, what do you bet … it will turn into some other feeling ??

Interestingly … relationships are about opportunity, not obligation.

She listened, and offered: “Maybe you have to tell whether it’s the difference between ‘ego’ struggling for survival and your real emotional compass and the excitement of growth.”

Easy!

“But ‘the information’ seems to be saying that I should do whatever I feel comfortable with, so how does that expand my universe if I stay within my comfort zone?” I ask but as usual, before any reply I lob in a little nugget: “I was difficult for you to say what you did to me but you still said it. It was difficult and uncomfortable for me to say what I did to my parents and I had to do that too Both were Necessary. But was it Kind? Was it Gentle?”

She said, “The difficulty lies in that their aren’t ‘equipped’ to handle it like you are … well I suppose you weren’t when I told you but you are more so now.”

I revert to possibly a victim’s observation: “During the time you were ‘equipping’ yourself over the past few years, when things have got tricky for you, you always had me for comfort and company when you wanted it. You could always rely on me for that closeness, I was too blind to realise the mechanism and how it all came to a head only when you yourself were ready. I, on the other hand, have been rather flung into this pit.

“I gave you my power, as you have pointed out to me, I expected you to be responsible for my well being and you are no longer willing to do that. I was leaning full weight on you, so when you stepped aside, there was nowhere for me to go except down, with my arms flailing like a helicopter looking for something or someone to hold on to.

“If I had been standing on my own two feet like you were when you stepped aside, my arms might still be be doing the helicopter bit but at least I would still be standing.

“Whilst you were finding your own feet and ‘equipping’ your self over the past few years, you still kept me there there to lean on whenever. You still allowed me to take some responsibility over your own well being for comfort, cuddles and love to the degree you wanted. Now you say I make you miserable!”

It’s interesting to look at my thoughts when I said that and afterwards.

I genuinely wasn’t angry. Envious maybe and I had the sensation of being used and manipulated but it was honestly all totally observational. I don’t bear any malice at all. OK I wish circumstances were different but we work differently anyway. She was able to do it ‘her’ way, I might not have been able to do it that way.

Maybe it could only ever have been under these circumstances, with this metaphorical jackboot up the arse: all in a frenzy; with all this intensity and passion; with all this gut wrenching angst; being crushed.

Maybe I had to disappear into those depths in order to gain the momentum to rise up.

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And what pops out?

Well, a ‘new me’, I suppose, looking at new life possibilities.

A new relationship? Yes, indeed, but the important bit is that it is a new relationship with my self. A great relationship! Intimate and loving.

And a great relationship with someone else? Yes, that is my desire and what I want. I know I can be a part of someone else’s happy life experience and I know someone can be part of mine too. A part which is free from responsibility. A part which is dominated by joy.

Who with? Well, I am entirely open to possibilities old and new. The more I look over the last few years as they were the more I see how that wasn’t what I wanted and neither of us were happy very often.

In the highly unlikely event it is with her it would be very different. Is it with someone I’ve met in the past? Someone I know now met with recently or a while ago? Someone I’ve yet to meet? I don’t really know. But I DO know it will happen.

Still some training to go through I suspect with new challenges daily along with blunderings and blubberings.

As I continue to put it out there and allow the synchronicities my world is all the more exciting. I get to know myself more; I get to be myself more; I get to love myself more and it all gets mirrored back.

Time to go practice…

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Probably not very wise but I did it anyway…

My last visit to my blog writing was about forgiveness and atonement etc.

I have not updated or written because nothing is going on for me, quite the opposite! The torrent continues to flow and every day brings new stuff.

I have been introduced, by a new friend, to a writer called Gill Edwards and her books I find to be easily readable, talking about all sorts of relevant things to me. When pick it up at a random page and see myself described and how I could actually be should I take up a revolutionary shift I am moved to elation, in shock at not being as unique as I had thought and, … well … totally bowled over.

The concept of there being no wrong/right, good/bad happenings or behaviour is an incredible release. Free from condition, expectation and demand. Brought into the concept of ‘Love’ it is my route to manifesting the unconditional love I desire and thought I had at one time but was mistaken.

Release to pursue joy as that is the purpose of life. Going BEYOND forgiveness and anything else just still creates a right and wrongness about a situation.

If only, eh?

I’ve lost count of the number of times I have found myself in the situation of saying SORRY this past few weeks. Friendships I desire are shattered quicker than they form. My intensity and overpowering demeanour are just too much for people but it is all such a clear reflection of me.

This was flagged up by my other desire to become in the flow of the law of attraction and by putting that thought out there, it all seems so obvious.

I feel incredibly OVERWHELMED and so I am overwhelming.

I feel so desperately UNSUPPORTED and am exactly that

I feel LONELY and I can’t seem to shift and see the people around me.

I try to force it pretend otherwise but there is no kidding the Universe, I just can’t seem to find a way of BELIEVING I have the power to create my own happiness thought I so obviously manifest my own unhappiness so easily.

Despite being surrounded by potentially ‘Good Stuff’ I have reverted all of a sudden into despair again.

My gentleness towards my self has mutated into lack of discipline and I have let myself go rather than let go of the things I wanted to let go of and move on from.

They stayed with me.

Someone said recently to me, “When you up and move camp, you take the fire with you and leave the ashes behind. You don’t want to be taking the ashes with you as well.” Well, sack cloth and ashes seems to be the order of the day at the moment!

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What I give is what I get…

That’s the nub of it: I give myself a hard time and that’s what I get but then again I give myself an ‘easy’ time and it doesn’t come easy though that is really more to do with the interpretation of the word ‘easy’. Really what that meant in that context was letting my self and standards slip through non-action, which in turn creates those things in my life.

I make it ‘easy’ by meditating, doing my reading, doing my household chores like cleaning and tidying up, working diligently etc. and I haven’t been doing any of that at all these past couple of weeks particularly the first three – I have in fact used the need to work and create some cash flow as a bit of an excuse for not doing the others.

The isa experience brought up exactly what I set myself up for and in typical ‘isa’ fashion I didn’t like it.

When I said I hadn’t been truly climbing my walls, Luis said,

“It’s very difficult without support. When we leave it to ourselves we allow ourselves to slip regardless of our own best intentions. People continue to not get the results they want because as soon as they get a good result they immediately celebrate and let go, give themselves a treat and do it in exactly the opposite way they managed to create the results they wanted in the first place. Before they know it they are back in the same situation but worse.

Take losing weight as an example: You lose a stone, celebrate and put the stone back on with a few added pebbles!

This is not new or original, it happens all the time – without support.

Another realisation came in the most uncomfortable way in the knowledge of what I am getting now is how I set it up. Everything worked exactly how I set it up, from the way I get up in the morning to my emotional roller coater to the break up of my marriage.

I was talking with someone last week and said there is a Cuban song on the lines of ‘Always marry a woman uglier than you!’ They answered lots of people do that and I always regarded my wife as more ‘attractive’ and beautiful than me and always questions what I had done to deserve such a person in my life, not just in a physical sense of beauty but also her inner beauty and kindness – it has always surprised me.

If I were to really put ‘my money’ on how long our relationship would last: a short time, medium time or forever time though it was truly what I desired, to grow old and live forever with her as husband and wife because of possibly my own low opinion of myself I couldn’t believe the relationship continued for so long anyway especially when I behaved like a complete bastard to her. My money would have been on an eventual break-up and as the person I was talking to at the time said: “Yup, and that’s what you got!”

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The theme continued to become apparent with regards to my relationship with my father and how I allowed myself to run with his suggestions and what I thought he wanted to happen.

It’s alright me going on about how much pressure and stress i was under from him to ‘do the business’ whilst not allowing me any freedom to ‘do the business’ or how much pressure she put upon me to provide money, the derision she threw at me when things went a bit awry and it’s consequences for her and our children, it was me that picked up those balls and ran with them.

I fell for them hook, line and sinker – whilst mixing my metaphors I willingly sold my soul to my own martyrdom because I thought I was doing it for the best.

I always knew I wouldn’t be able to make that business model work and when she started sending her own conflicting signals of dedication and willingness combined with their opposites last year I didn’t do anything to resolve the incongruency of either of our actions and I precipitated the collapse of the business within two weeks of our first chat. The only surprise was the speed of doing it and my willingness to do so when I realised I was doing what nobody actually wanted me to do.

I was a dog running around in the garden in the rain, barking at a tree with everybody inside looking on saying “What’s he doing that for? Silly dog!” Blaming them for letting me do it that way is absurd.

So I stopped.

I looked around.

I looked at my bedraggled coat, my tangled and matted hair, my droopy and unwagging tail all sodden in the rain of frustration and desperate tears. I cut a pitiful character looking for a pat of encouragement, a ruffle of the hair a quick cuddle from anybody that will feel sorry for me for a moment and give me a lap to rest my head on and slippers to fetch.

And that’s all I’m getting.

Nobody wants to hang around a mut like that and even if I found somebody I wouldn’t like it anyway as that’s truly not the type of support I desire.

The results I desire are magnificent yet I feel so totally overwhelmed by the amount of work ahead. The total shift. Is it truly what I want? Oh yes! Truly yet it’s all so confused and my intensity creates inertia. I scare people – I scare myself! Nobody is really sure if the dog is rabid or just manic but the excitement as a potential new owner comes to the cage door of the kennel translates into, ‘Is it safe to bring him home and leave him with the kids? I don’t want all the furniture to be ripped to shreds  when I come home on an evening, I think we’ll go for a more placid one. This one’s too unpredictable – he seems a bit too damaged, too much hard work, I want my life easier’ and they move on.

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Another close friend who I’ve upset recently told me about his mother’s love for him and how he didn’t truly realise it until she died last year.

I told her that I had spoken to my mum about how she did it with me and how I had felt oppressed by it, I rather cruelly pointed out that there is only one letter different between smothering and mothering. That wasn’t gently or kind, was it? No, but I thought we had an understanding and I did follow it up with lots of I love you’s regardless, I was just saying how it felt sometimes for me and my branch of the family i.e. wife and kids, sometimes and that she cannot FORCE it’s reciprocation.

He was a bit shocked at my attitude, but nevertheless we continued … I said, “I chose my wife’s way of loving me, not my mother’s but now she has left me and doesn’t love me anymore.”

He said, “Precisely! Which has been the more enduring? Which was the truest? Which was the unconditional love you say you desire?”

I have since spoken to her and have realised that part of the pressure I had felt was a result of her too picking up my father’s perceptions of what should happen. I always regarded them together whereas in truth they are separate. Emotional vampire? Well yes she still is, but it is her stuff not mine and I don’t need to run with it.

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My abilities to respond …

And others to me.

Said late last week in answer to my question, “What am I like?”

“A petulant child. You don’t like it when you don’t get your own way, you sulk!”

Sometimes, you know, I just don’t know why I set myself up for this stuff 🙂 Good though isn’t it!

That is truly what I want: an honest answer from an honest person who thinks enough of me to care to be truthful. Pity I upset her too later. Another on falls by the wayside and moves on to another cage.

Yes, it’s my creation still: I feel so overwhelmed and I continue to be overwhelming (she said that too). I feel so overpowered and continue to be overpowering. When people get into my sphere they run like a shot and not surprising.

This is going to take practice this gently stuff. My struggle against my own despondency is part of my not accepting. It is as I have learned as a consequence of my own creation myth in that life that has to be endured with lessons to be learned, believing there is something ‘wrong’ with me or everything is a random accident ‘with no inherent meaning or purpose’ with threats of consequences as opposed to Life is a Gift based upon unconditional love: no right or wrong, true freedom without conditions, where growth is inevitable and the purpose is joy.

I like the sound of that! I’m off to go do some … see you later 🙂

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Extract from recent textin:

>> Good to keep busy
>> I think today has been
>> the hardest for me this
>> week – loads of potential
>> triggers queuing up. Still
>> fun though
> What do you mean by triggers?
> R we talking guns or House @
> Pooh Corner? Seriously thou
> explain please.

Response…

Triggers are events or things, usually external that spark off (trigger could be another word) an emotion, usually but not always, negative.

I get what I set up and if I set up negative, negative is what I get and, boy, am I getting negative!

At the moment I’ve sort of gone over the tipping point of any semblance of self control, I have spent the last hour or so shaking along fits and starts of uncontrollable tears. My thoughts are just running wild and even when I try to centre myself calmness only last a few seconds and then it comes back worse. This is possibly the opposite of the manic you referred to the other day.

Noticing the triggers is important because nipping an unwanted emotional response before it has time to come into existence is the best method rather than trying to ignore it, fight against it or cover it up once it has happened because, you see, once I have created it it exists regardless of what I do or my attitude.

Another problem is the fact that these triggers are unavoidable and uncontrollable, the only thing that is controllable is my response. Since almost everything I do, see, say, place I go, friend I see (apart from some very very recent ones) are co-linked with her, I can’t get away from the triggers.

Yesterday’s potential triggers I referred to were:

• – getting booted and suited in my tux, bow tie and cufflinks, all things she has always prepared for me in the past and inspected me before I went through the door.I ended up with shaving spots of blood all over, and had to do my tie and struggle one handed with cufflinks whilst in the taxi. I even forgot to take my contact business cards to what was essentially a networking event. All was chaos without her help. I felt desperately lonely, abandoned and unsupported.
• – whilst I was out, she called round and took our youngest dow to the pub for a game of pool. She rang me to ask if it was OK but not so much to ask permission but to let be know in case I got back with him not being there and thinking he may have been abducted by an alien. Oh the irony, she certainly is being alien to me.
• – just the act of going to do the ‘big shop’ at ASDA. She is/was always a better and more thrifty shopper than me and every turn and pick of an item was referenced and plugged me further in.

There were more but those seemed most significant.

• Today, I had waking up lucid dreaming moments about how to break her wedding ring so she can get it off (it is well stuck). I imagined pre-arranging it with a jeweller so we could just quickly go in and out, I saw us walking out into the sunshine; I felt myself holding her hand, gently prising my grandmother’s ring off and putting it in my pocket. I even saw myself giving her my own hand so she could take my own off (my grandfathers, they’d been married to each other for over 50 years). No words were said but I did have the thought, again in my waking dream, to say “With this I thee unwed” but thought it would be too melodramatic (!)
• – I busied myself in the bathroom clearing up some clothes to wash and noticed there were a lot fewer of hers there. She must have been and taken them away somewhere else. I always find this really hard, especially when it comes to touching her underwear or ‘nice’ going out clothes – there was a pair of briefs with the words ‘May all your wishes come true’ on the hem, I put them neatly on top. I folded things up for her and placed them to one side, pre-washed with tears.
• – I’d just finished washing up and one of the boys came into the kitchen with a shattered glass he had broken and said he thought he has a shard so small he couldn’t see but could feel in a finger. I didn’t know what to do, I felt useless and helpless. We decided to soak his hand in warm water to hopefully soften and expand his skin to loosen the offending piece when she came through the door to pick up our youngest to take him to football. I looked at her for a moment, even with remnants of last night’s make-up she looked so calm and beautiful. I walked away and shut the door to my office/playroom and sat in an uncontrollable state. She came to the door a bit later and asked if she could come in. I couldn’t physically speak or say a word. Of course I wanted her to come in; of course I didn’t want her to come in. Of course I didn’t want to feel the way I did but I was doing, and I had created it.

I really thought I’d got over this bit, I really did. It’s just not right to feel like this on such a beautiful day. I’ve been up since 7:30 and it’s only 10:30 and I feel terrible.

I’m going to do some writing now, on my blog. I’ve got out of the habit of doing it daily. My thoughts are all jumbled up and it will help sort out the spaghetti. One of my main emotional triggers is my loneliness about not being able to share my life and daytime experiences and silly happenings with anyone significant. Hence all these pent up ramblings and texts etc I think. You don’t even have to be there to receive them but it’s good to know that you might be.

At One Ness

Reparation for a wrong or injury, expiation: paying the penalty and making amends for a wrongdoing.

I went to see her Mum today.

“Sorry” I said.

“You don’t have to say that to me” She replied.

“I promised you I would look after her; I promised her I would look after her and I promised myself I would look after her; and I didn’t look after her at all. Sorry.”

She was forgiving (for giving) “We have all made mistakes.”

With tears in both our eyes, we hugged … long and close.

____________________________

Saying SORRY to someone gives them the opportunity for FORGIVENESS.

I’ve said it countless times to her and I do genuinely feel forgiven in spirit though at the same time not so because she is taking herself away from me depriving me of a chance to heal and make amends.

I cannot believe my sorrow and suffering is making amends but then again this is probably the expiation I must endure with everything taken out of my own decision making, choice and power.

I probably deserve it “You don’t always get what you WANT, but you do get what you NEED” she has said many times in the haunting past.

Now, if I say sorry to myself, maybe it will give ME the opportunity and power to FORGIVE MYSELF and just get on with it. And ‘Now’ would probably be a good time!

Whilst I BREATHE, there is LIFE and I’m going to LIVE it.

Mmm … yeah … it does have a ring to it: Ενώ αναπνέω, υπάρχει ζωή και πρόκειται να ζήσω! Oh I don’t know, sometimes the Romans had a more snappy way of describing things!

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Today I have felt very alone (all one?)

Or is that another way of saying independent?

I don’t feel strong enough to be by myself at this moment. Is it fear? Or a wish to be more gentle on myself? Or maybe it’s just part of my atonement: my being AT ONE with myself, my past, my present and my future.

Hold on, that’s not ‘one’ thing, that’s four. ONE THING  would just be BEING! Oh this is so hard …

A strange combination of nausea and desolation, lethargy and sorrow is creeping up on me.

Ho hum.

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“I lost faith in you. I don’t buy into it any more: the what ifs, when thises and thats and what can bes, and all that shit…”

Dum Spiro Spero, “Whilst I breathe, I hope”, that’s what my father has always told me, and that is EXACTLY how I’ve done it.

The loyal blinkered dog went ALL the way, every time, without fail, time after time, business after business, what if and when after what if and when: still breathing – still hoping.

Though kicking and screaming, I have gone through in and out of the bankruptcy courts, through sickness and health … richer or poorer … till death… well not that yet, the only things that’ve died are my marriage and the loyal dog with it.

I have woken up to the misdirection that Latin phrase attributed to Cicero has led me to, Dum Spiro Spero. Interesting how it starts off with the word ‘Dum’!

This post has taken weeks to write because the idea of HOPE has underpinned so much of my life and the way I’v done it. It has caused much of my mental block and is .. well … we’ll see where it takes us as I write shall we?

_________________________

HOPE – THE GREAT DECEIVER

“It was in Pandora’s Box!” She said.

I didn’t believe her. How could Hope be an evil? I Googled it and behold there it was, the last of the great evils to befall man, HOPE.

As Wiki says:

Hope is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life. Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. ^[1] To hope is to wish for something with the expectation of the wish being fulfilled, a key condition in unrequited love. ^[2] Hopefulness is somewhat different from optimism in that hope is an emotional state, whereas optimism is a conclusion reached through a deliberate thought pattern that leads to a positive attitude.

Sorts of puts it, and me, in a nutshell really!

HOPE to me became like a flywheel, always running along side me, building up momentum and potential energy so it can be brought into gear to keep things moving onwards when things got tricky and often desperate.

I now have also come to realise that I regarded her as my flywheel, keeping the momentum and potential in reserve for when I needed her to kick into gear and help me out, offer support, move things along, make that important call I didn’t want to make, speak to the people I was trying to avoid. A flywheel for when I run out of energy and am in despair, she was my back-up and rescue remedy, she was all that kept me going. I could rely on her always being there, she had said she would be, I took it for granted, I didn’t look after her, I didn’t attend to even the basics of maintenance of that relationship, it was all there to help me stay sane and keep me earning the money we needed. It was mutual … until … 

Well, I haven’t had much problem disengaging myself from that Great Deceiver, Hope once I realised how reliance on it has ruined my life through blinkering me to reality.

Disengaging myself from her is equally as necessary but so much harder because I have no hope to rely on any more. Like I said in my previous post there is no life left in it and going by the motto Dum Spiro Spero, No breath – No Hope.

This is so hard to take, my loss is immense, I am torn. How could I have lost so much in such a short time after such a long time of devotion to this evil concept?

The Great Deceiver – Hope.

She also – a great deceiver: she kept me going, thinking it could be OK until … she said she didn’t ‘buy’ into it any more. I WASN’T TRYING TO SELL ANYTHING! I was only trying to LIVE, with YOU … US … ALL OF US … all the family … TOGETHER … I was trying to fix everything.

Why couldn’t you take me with you on your journey? I always wanted to be with you even when, and especially when, I wasn’t with you.

Some people can do this stuff by themselves, well lucky for them.

HOPE! The Great Deceiver. Dum Spiro Spero: get thee gone! You don’t serve me any more and you never really did.

How about this one:

Whilst I BREATHE, there is LIFE, so I’m going to LIVE IT.

Somebody pass me a Latin lexicon quick – maybe I’ll become as famous as our old friend Cicero.

Maybe I’ll just live my life for a change and stop driving all the things around me to destruction; or is that just another faint hope?

“I’m not the one who’s beating you up.” She said.

“No, but it’s you who’s punishing me with no route for redemption for the way I’ve treated you for all these years.”

___________________________

Wednesday 11th

I had to make sure…

It wasn’t easy, in fact it was downright painful. A pain which wrenched into my very soul. I put everything into a nutshell and let forth with a desperate plea.

I got  what I expected and though in some way it gave me release it hasn’t felt that way and I have been very unfocussed since having only brief moments of positivity which winds her up though such negative thoughts from me should really only be expected of me at this time, surely. They don’t really happen that often and the fewer times we see each other it can only be expected that some time is spent talking about ‘things’.

My ‘progress’ with working on myself over such a short period of time is phenomenal and astounding but it’s not bloody perfect! What does she expect? Obviously she seems to have even greater expectations than I do of myself! Now that’s a surprise!

My honesty and openness is, I admit, blunt and is hard work for myself and those who get to hear it but being a ‘private’ person eats away at me and I have spent so much time being physically alone at work, for years now, that when I get into company, especially with who I have for so long regarded as my lover and confidant, it just comes out, even when I try to hold back.

Moments of solitude are getting unbearable unless I displace and fill in my time.

This is probably why I’m so haphazard with my writing and reading at the moment: I’m busying myself to get away from the thoughts which are tearing me apart.

___________________________

She told me her father was with me also … late at night when I stay up.

“Eh?” I ask.

Later on in the day, I was walking, doing a strength/breathing meditation she suggested and called his name out loud twice: I almost immediately felt my emotions well up and start to feel tears welling up strongly. I tried to ask why … no discernible answer … I said I didn’t do it like you, I know you always had an illusive way of showing your love but you weren’t faithful, I have always been faithful, always in mind and in body and the harm I obviously caused was unintentional and unknowingly done though in some ways none the less damaging I have found out.

On reflection though I think he is being with me for her and not for me, he helped motivate me clear the ground and space for me during that rather blunt and pointed conversation on Wednesday, to feel clean about anything that may precipitate from my clamouring to fill my emotional gaps.

___________________________

My boys have now been put into the picture of her decision and though we didn’t get to tell them together which was the plan it has probably turned out better as each encounter was easier to manage rather than having a big ‘family announcement’ as it were. I told them in my way, talking about paths and that we’ve decided that we are no longer on the same one; she said she didn’t want to spend the rest of her life with me anymore.

In fact she has told me very bluntly that I make her miserable and at the moment I can see why, I’m making myself miserable and she is making me miserable. She does seem however to reach moments of happiness where as I seem very stuck again.

___________________________

• Not creating enough meditation opportunities and getting stuck in the ‘process’.
• Not taking the time out to regularly write this blog.
• Not doing my reading.

These all seem to be contributing and I just can’t seem to fit everything in! For goodness sake I’ve been averaging less than 3 hours sleep!

I’ve got to create some money to pay impending bills, I’m doing chores left right and centre and trying to give my self some singular time to meet with friends and do stuff that is solely for me, my enjoyment and well-being, even if it’s going to buy some after shave which was a major expedition!

Wednesday was probably the first time we have sort of ‘argued’ for years – we’ve never really done that. Maybe we should have, and we might have gained a better understanding of each other.

___________________________

Thursday 12th

I was anxious about going out in the evening with a friend for no real reason except that I wanted to have a genuinely good time with someone I don’t normally spend time with.

However, the whole day was preoccupied with concerns about ‘telling the boys’ and by the time me going out came round I had told two of them.

Everything seemed rushed during the afternoon and evening, and though I had a bizarre synchronicity in the evening by being led totally unplanned to somewhere called the Angel Inn which made me feel at least protected and not isolated.

There were even a couple of moments when I forgot!

But essentially I didn’t really enjoy myself, I was too distracted and self immersed and not very good company to me or my friend and neither was impressed in a good way.

I surprised myself. I thought I’d be OK; a good listener; humorous and jolly, make some interesting and insightful conversation and maybe even create a spark. Buto, no! I even out weirded myself!!

Later I had a bizarre encounter with another lonely character, probably trying to earn some money out of me by doing some sort of ‘favour’! We ended up having a really good conversation and she ended up feeling more sorry for me, sending me on my way with the best of wishes, the spirit of renewed confidence from her encouraging words, a handshake and we excahnged genuine well meaning smiles for each other’s welfare in the future. “You’ll be fine,” she said, “I know you will!”

___________________________

Friday 13th

“This is ‘normal’!” A correspondent kept telling me. “It just takes time. A certain time. It’s different for everyone and everyone copes differently though everyone goes through more or less the same processes – it is a well trodden path.

“Whatever the type of loss, the feelings of grief, anger, despair and loneliness are all very similar and have moments of deep intensity.

“You have suffered two losses both at the same time: your business and your marriage. It’s hard enough to cope with just one at a time.

“You are trying to ‘microwave’ it. You cannot speed it up – this is an ‘oven’ cooked meal, and will take it’s time. You cannot and shouldn’t under do it and rush into things because it will only leave things left undone. 

“No-one will tell you when, no-one will know when – and from my experience it is not a great revelation it is just that one day I woke up and didn’t feel so bad about stuff.  All the big problems I had  seemed to  have answers and for me it was just- ‘oh is that it?’.  But I was out of the fog and had focus.”

I was also being warned about my health. The lack of sleep and the intense pressure I kept heaping upon myself.

“If you don’t think I can shorten it, do you think I can prolong it?” I asked.

“No. It takes whatever time it takes but there is the possibility that you can ’emulate’ it for a different reason maybe. It doesn’t prolong the time ‘IT’ takes but only the feeling surrounding it.”

“I don’t feel as if I have much time at all – I just want to get on with it and move on with my life, this pain is insufferable.”

“Making yourself poorly won’t help.”

“I don’t care if I make myself poorly – it would give me something else to think about.” … and I seemed to lose my will again.

“You are doing so well, you really are, but you need to look after yourself. You’ll be fine – I know you will!“

___________________________

Our ‘chats’ have now all but stopped and she even tries to find out where I am to probably avoid any clash – who can blame her?

Cutting the cords is a systematic process and she seems to be managing to do it fine even at the expense of common courtesies – me less so. But, hey, what do I expect after being like I’ve been with her for years and despite after great strides recently I am still in this abyss of despair and grief.

___________________________

Friday night was spent with friends, collecting the smell of wood smoke.

More disasters ensued: someone fell on to the fire during some wild dancing. I can’t say I rescued them but I did pull them out.

Someone fell on to a computer and broke the screen, again, nothing I could prevent or make better but I did make comforting cups of tea for everybody – I seemed to be the only one around not totally out of face!

Breakages and near disasters continued on Sunday: a camera broke, someone let go before I had hold and I did manage to stop the house computer from falling over, that didn’t break but my composure did and I shouted and ranted a bit uncontrollable until one of my boys broke down in tears (not the one who nearly broke the computer) and tried to run out saying what was the fuss about, nothing got broken, we should be celebrating!

I immediately got it back together again. The fear of losing him and his brothers from my proximity at this time is so strong that it cut through even my red mist.

We settled and my youngest drew and gave me a little birthday card with cheerful balloons on it. Three months early but what a gift … what a gift … such kindness and what a beautiful smile. I was lifted.

She came home that evening and I told her what happened. She said I didn’t drop the camera; I stopped the computer from getting broken; and I probably reduced the extent of someone’s burns injury.

Spose it’s perception then isn’t it, I keep feeling disaster is following me around but others see sheer accident or intuitive calls for well timed and calm pro-action.

___________________________

Saturday was a shopping day. We did a big shop for the household and bought a table for the front room so we could eat whilst sitting on the floor, together.

We took it for a test drive with a take away and it works fine!

The evening was a bit flat and we all came home early (12:30) from the pub.

I really enjoyed being with the family as I also did on the Sunday.

Instead of doing what I’d intended, cleaning windows to let more light into the house, I went out for a long-ish walk with two of the boys by the canal to a nearby ruined abbey.

Lots of ‘good stuff’ and the occasional photo taken to prove if nothing else than that I exist.

It is telling that there are not many photos around with me and my children at all, they are all of her. My parents house is totally decorated with them to remind me of my absenteeism from family life.

The nigh ended strangely.

The twins wanted to stay out late and I didn’t. I also didn’t want to make things any worse and make a ‘father doing the telling’ sort of scene so I backed off, took my foot off the gas, was gentle with them and myself and came home without them.

I did mull over the thoughts that I had been put into this situation by my lack of spousal support with this issue, she recently and I suppose I in the past are hardly fine examples of coming home at a reasonable time (at least I actually came home though). I didn’t want to be the demon or the policeman but had to  counter this with being a responsible parent.

They did, eventually, drag themselves home at about 4am.

The next morning was predictably tricky and after a lot of encouragement to get up I settled on the lecture: “Now look, you have the choice totally with you. By getting up and going to school you make everybody right. You make yourself right by saying you could cope and you make me right for listening to you and changing my decision and my point of view by trusting you. If you don’t get yourself up and off to school you make everybody wrong: me and most importantly you!”

15 minutes later we were pulling up outside the school gates.

___________________________

Earlier that evening, I canvassed some opinion from another male friend. A hidden man this one with wonderful insights I have been tapping into for a while and he brought a very masculine point of view about everything.

About expectations, about parental and family demands clouding the obvious. All the same as I have been discovering over these last few weeks.

“It takes time. It’s different for everybody but you can’t do the square peg in a round hole. You can’t reclaim what never was or could not have been. It is as it is and what you are going through is only to be expected. Be strong. You’ll be fine, I know you will!”

Strong? I don’t feel like it.

Fine? Doesn’t seem possible.

Willing to put some graft in? Yup

Willing to be gentle with myself? More so every day: more sleep is being forced and my meditations are going better.

You will be fine, pethia .. you will be fine, I know you will … be gentle, very gentle … and allow your strength to come and be with you … notice the fear but give it no attention it will only put you off your path … open yourself to your self and your desires … they are not needs, only what is necessary for you to be the you that you can love … and you CAN love … love with a genuine heart … love with a magnificent soul … be gentle … gentle … go and practise … ‘please give me strength’ … you have to allow it … you are not alone … be gentle … go and practice.

___________________________

It is Tuesday morning now, and the sun has suddenly broken through some rather intimidating looking clouds for the first time today.

Well wha’ do ya know!

___________________________

… so I can see above the clouds …

Is it a question? Direction? Desire? Hope?

Now there is a word … HOPE!

______________________________

It’s been a busy few days, socialising and not sleeping, doin’ stuff differently. I even dived in to cook something I’d never even attempted before and in a way I’d never approached something like that too:

I’d set a task

Asked for help

Asked for help again

Didn’t insist I did everything my self

Got the kids to help

It seemed to taste how I’d wanted it to and the salad came out more or less at the same time as everything else for a change but just the experience of doing it together and eating together was fantastic. She wasn’t there at the time but had some later on and I noticed what it felt like to experience the ‘opposite’ of food rejection!

I was reminded last night of how much time I spent away, doing ‘Me’ things. At the time I didn’t see it that way and felt that I was always encouraged even when I resisted she seemed to still encourage me. All the more surprising when she mentioned how much I was spending on myself rather than sharing within our family budget.

It showed me how unaware I was and how much I ignored the obvious which was so easily visible to her and our acquaintances – I can assure you I wasn’t blissful about any of it. The times away were when I felt my most lonely, being away without my loving partner was the worst and we never really ever went away as a family without my disappearing off to work for a couple of days in between – I had made myself so indispensable at work, or so I thought.

Can’t get thos opportunities back now.

Did she feel as lonely when she was away too, with the kids? Possibly, and last year was the first time she didn’t go away with them and it was also the first time I had absolutely resolved to take time off work and go with them when they did!

How cruel is that?

I’d put it out there earlier in the year that I wanted us all to go on a family holiday but obviously, as usual, I allowed other things to get in the way and didn’t make it important enough.

Is this why I feel such urgency?

______________________________

We have to talk to our children soon about our situation which is still, on a practical where does everybody live level, unsure.

I passed on a suggestion that someone made to me that she should go away for a while, say three months. Long enough away from us and her other influences in the area to review by herself how she felt and get clear.

She has asked for space and time and to be allowed to be free, and that does seem to fit the bill.

Am I suggesting it to delay the inevitable?

She asked me how do I benefit and I thought I wouldn’t at the time but afterwards I realised it would allow me to be with the children (including the one that’s left home) for a while to get to know each other better in time for when we would be probably be spending much less time with each other in close proximity – a sort of bonding time.

Is that selfish? No not really, she’s had them to herself for years and will probably still do so, in fact I think it’s very ‘giving’ actually.

Is the suggestion unfair by delaying anything? Well, after 24 years, adding 3 months for solitary consideration to see how in fact anything may have changed for us as a result of my shifting my arse and getting it into gear I don’t think is too much to ask.

Am I expecting a sudden change of mind? No, not really it’s not just for her, it’s for me also. I am only doing this for me, that’s what she told me to do and she’s right, it can ONLY be for me but not the selfish ignorant and unconscious ‘me’ but the real one I have been putting down and ignoring for so many years. The ‘Me’ that I actually like and can actually, dare I say ‘love’!

Would I want her to change her mind? Well I don’t really know. At the moment ‘Yes’ but after that time I’m not sure. The time would give us both space to experiment and play with all sorts of things, to sorting out gainful employment, seeking new friends and synchronicities, and even sex and frolicking without recrimination, why not? Now do I feel uncomfortable about that, or what? You bet! But I am coming from a place of ‘Understanding’ and it was she who mentioned mid life crisis, not me; and this life and marriage is too important to spoil over essentially superficial things in the long term if it can only be de-fibrillated from it’s present coronary state.

I know, that by her making her wishes known, I have received such a shock similar to de-fibrillating a failed heart and the analogy is outrageously accurate – both of us had lost our hearts and I am only just beginning to re-discover where mine is. I wrote earlier :”I feel SO ALIVE!” And it has given me a feeling of new life, new beginnings and great opportunities. I have also rediscovered my wish and capability to share it’s abundance.

Over the past few weeks, I have begun to uncover the ‘Me’ I only daydreamed about, the ‘me’ that I never even thought possible, one who is determined unconditionally loving and fun but who also has a desire for its ‘self’ and its own well-being which I never thought was the proper thing to desire.

I will not take any old shit from her or anybody else just to keep a relationship or situation together. OK life and relationships is about compromise but I am living my own, not hers or any body else’s and it must all be done with agreement and mutual willingness.

What say after three months, we compare notes and desires and decide then, I’m pretty sure that whatever, it will be pretty mutual and by consent as opposed to either feeling forced or obliged into a situation which it feels like now for me and she also admits that she is feeling pressured into a way of thinking. This idea may be an answer.

I don’t know, but it may be worth considering.

______________________________

I sang last night again down at t’ pub.

It was great.

My voice has changed, there is a new intonation, and new connection and feeling behind every word.

My favourite of the moment I have now started to sing unaccompanied, unshielded by guitar or drums, just me, myself and I.

It’s about have one point of view at one time then flipping and changing to another totally opposite. It was written when a friend was deeply in love one moment with his partner and then got up out of bed one morning and realised he had changed his mind:

AIN’T IT FUNNY HOW
by Rab Thompson

I’ve been around ever since I got out
And I ain’t found nothing I can shout about
I spend my money like I spend my time
Just looking for someone not smarter than I am.

Ain’t it funny how you hold my hand
Well, life’s so heavy I can hardly stand.
You lift me up so I can see above the clouds
Now ain’t it funny how, now ain’t it funny how.

Lying next to you one morning in bed
There were vagrant thoughts a-running through my head
Wel I once loved my music now I love you instead 
Now ain’t it funny how, on now well ain’t it funny how. 

Ain’t it funny how you hold my hand
Well, life’s so heavy I can hardly stand.
You lift me up so I can see above the clouds
Now ain’t it funny how, now ain’t it funny how.

Life’s a card game when the Joker’s been played
The dealer’s in and there’s a lot to be made.
Well, I don’t play for winning I just play for the game,
Now ain’t it funny how, on now well ain’t that funny how. Ain’t it funny how you hold my hand
Well, life’s so heavy I can hardly stand.
You lift me up so I can see above the clouds
Now ain’t it funny how, now ain’t it funny how. 

I said, now aint’t it funny how oh now well ain’t that funny how.

Thanks Rab. I’ll always remember you, the gifts you gave me, the shelter you shared and that song that has helped keep me alive.

Thank you.